His New Life
by TGray
Summary: One year after season 6 Spike searches for a way to fit in and a way to make it back to Buffy. I know, another post 'grave' fic. COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Spike/ Buffy romance eventually but with a few other people thrown into the mix to stir things up a bit... Set after season 6. Spike does a little 'soul searching' and ends up in the last place you would imagine. ATS crossover at first.  
  
Spoilers: Everything up to season 6 and a touch of season 7.  
  
My first fic! Feedback needed please! I'll take the good with the bad. Ideas accepted too!  
  
Disclaimers: Joss owns them all. I am just borrowing for now!  
  
His New Life  
  
  
  
Spike looked up from a book he'd been intently studying with a raised eyebrow. Upon hearing his name, he turned a curious eye toward the sofa sitting in the middle of the Hyperion lobby. Cordelia and Kitara were sitting together giggling like teenagers at a joke obviously made at his expense. Catching Kit's eye, he wiggled his brows flirtatiously.  
  
"I can hear you. Vampire, remember? 's not polite to talk about a bloke when he's sitting in the same room you know."  
  
Kit rolled her eyes and smiled widely. "We weren't talking about you, Spike. We were talking about someone else. I'm sure you wouldn't know him."  
  
"Uh huh. Spike is such a common name of course," he answered in a low tease.  
  
"Anyway, this guy is totally hot! Not like you at all," she added, teasing back.  
  
He stood up, laying his book on the table beside the chair he'd been sitting in. He dropped his hidden smile and turned around to face them. "Well ladies, sun's up. I'm gonna crash."  
  
As he turned and began walking up the stairs, Kitara called up to him. "Night, Spike!"  
  
"Night, pet."  
  
A quiet giggle emerged from the girls downstairs. With a shake of his head, he entered his room. Quickly undressing, he climbed in underneath the sheet. Lying on his back, hands tucked behind his head he contemplated how his life had changed after receiving his soul almost a year ago.  
  
Lying battered and bruised after receiving his 'reward', Spike cried a bucket of tears for the victims and their families who were unfortunate enough to have crossed his path. In an instant the guilt and remorse of a century of pain and death struck him. It remained a mystery how long he had been in that cave, or how he'd finally managed to crawl out of it. Thinking he would be able to handle it when he'd asked for his soul, the realization hit him that nothing could have prepared him for what he was feeling. The emotional pain he was forced to bare was much worse than he had anticipated. He'd remained in Africa for a couple of months feeling sorry for himself, trying to come to terms with the terrible things he had done. Another couple of months on a barge back to the States, mostly left alone with his own thoughts for company, helped to enhance his depression. By the time he reached L.A. his emotional state had turned to anger. Anger at his self and the existence he'd lived for over a century.  
  
The next few months were spent hitting the city's lowest spots where he'd goad demons and humans alike into drunken fights. He was praying someone would get the best of him and finally end his torment. Even carrying a death wish, he was still the Big Bad and refused to go down without a fight. His skills were better than any opponent he'd faced and he hadn't even come close to the end he was seeking. The one revelation he received happened the first night he picked a brawl with a human. Spike had managed two good punches before realizing his brain wasn't frying him alive. Obviously, the African demon had had a sense of humor and removed the chip in Spike's head while restoring his soul. He'd gotten the one thing he had wanted for three years but now had a conscience to negate the prize. 'Irony at it's bloody best' he'd thought at the time.  
  
Night after night he'd wake up in a dark alley or an abandoned building hung over and bruised. Finally bored with that, he made what he thought would be his final decision. He'd go to the one person he knew could and would end his miserable existence.  
  
As he stood at the door of the Hyperion hotel he let his mind wander to Sunnydale. It wasn't often he'd let himself think of 'her'. The pain and guilt of the last time he'd seen Buffy was too much to bare. He'd felt disgusted with himself at the time and now with his brand new soul it felt a hundred times worse. He really felt for the first time that he was the monster she always accused him of being. But he missed her. And he dreamt about her. The dreams would always start the way he envisioned things could have been between them, but then always ended with Buffy having the same disgusted look on her face. He always woke with the feeling that he would never be deserving enough to face her again. His intention from the beginning was to return and beg for her forgiveness, and to let her know what he had done for her. Once he came to the conclusion that he could never be good enough for her, he knew he would never go back.  
  
He was still thinking of her when the door opened to reveal Angel standing stunned in the lobby. Expecting to be staked on the spot, Spike gave his usual cocky attitude and swagger until the other vampire stepped aside to let him enter. The last time they'd met, Spike had paid to have Angel tortured. Figuring payback would definitely be in order, he was surprised when Angel had not only let him in, but also offered him blood and a bed to sleep in.  
  
With little argument Spike accepted his offer. He was confused and more than a little curious as to why he was not dust. This reason alone was enough to stick around. The next morning, after his first somewhat relaxing night's sleep in ages, he found his way to Angel waiting patiently downstairs. After coming to a truce of sorts, Angel revealed that Buffy had made him aware of Spikes chipped status. She had also explained how he'd stood beside her and the scoobies, fighting the good fight against Glory. Knowing Buffy would never have told him about their 'relationship' he figured Angel had assumed he was helping out of nothing short of boredom. Once Spike was aware that his life still wasn't going to end, he began to accept the fact that he would have to learn to deal with his past. Here in the company of a familiar face, even if it was Angel's, he would have to find his place again.  
  
So that's how he came to be in L.A., living in the hotel owned by his former rival turned almost constant companion. Angel worked with Spike continuously, helping him deal with his newly acquired conscience, while making him a full- fledged part of the Angel Investigations team. He'd known Spike would need to have a reason to keep going. Something to take his mind off the thoughts he knew were always plaguing him. The one stipulation Spike had was that Buffy would not find out that he was there. Sunnydale was his past and the past was something he hoped to be able to forget in time.  
  
TBC 


	2. Kitara

Chapter Two  
  
Kitara  
  
A smile curled on the lips of the sleeping vampire. The dream was always the same. Lying in bed with Buffy, holding each other after a night of passion and love. In the dream he turned to her to see the look of turmoil on her face as she realized what she had allowed yet again. Then he heard the words..."You're nothing but a thing. I could never love you."  
  
Spike sat up with a start and looked around the empty room. The sun was already setting so he made his way to the bathroom to shower. It was almost time for his weekly 'appointment' with Kitara and he felt a little giddy at the prospect of alone time with her. Stepping under the hot stream of water, he resolved to push his thoughts of Buffy out of his mind. Instead, he chose to focus them on the girl he had just recently met.  
  
Angel first introduced Spike to Kitara two months ago. She showed up at the hotel one night looking dazzling with her long brunette hair and seductive eyes. She reminded Spike of what Dawn might look like in another ten years or so. Realizing he was thinking of Sunnydale again, he shook his head and turned his attention to her.  
  
"I want you to meet Kitara," Angel said, as she entered and walked toward the two vampires.  
  
"Hello, Spike. It's nice to finally meet you." She held out a hand to him. "Angel has told me a lot about you."  
  
"Well now, isn't that interesting," Spike answered, reaching in his pocket to grab his smokes and lighter. He lit one and took a drag. "Seems I'm at a loss considering I've never heard mention of you before." He looked toward Angel awaiting a reply.  
  
"I'm sorry, Spike," Angel answered quickly. "Kitara has helped me out with a couple of cases, and I thought you might wanna talk to her."  
  
Head tilted to the side, Spike raised an eyebrow in question.  
  
Kitara stepped in to explain. "I'm what you might call a psychic counselor. I can take all those feelings and memories you have and help you sort through them. Help you get rid of the ones you don't want."  
  
"You a witch? I don't trust anyone using that mojo stuff on me. Never ends well." He thought of both times, where under the influence of someone else, he and Buffy had kissed. He couldn't help but smile. "Well, almost never," he added.  
  
"No.I'm not a witch," she answered with a giggle. "I'm a trecloff demon. Well, part demon anyway. Human mostly. To shorten the story, I have a gift and I'd like to help if I can. Angel tells me you have a soul. I can imagine that can be a little troublesome for you considering your....background."  
  
"And you can make me good as new then?" He flicked his cigarette down on the linoleum floor and ground it under his boot, receiving a scowl from the other vampire.  
  
"I'd like to try if you'll let me."  
  
He smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "Might as well. Got nothin' better to do."  
  
They'd met once a week since then and he really came to appreciate her kindness and eagerness to help him. She had explained her fascination with him. He was the only vampire to have ever asked for his soul, and that intrigued her. She became an added fixture around the hotel after Angel offered for her to stay.  
  
Her powers or 'gifts' as she referred to them were confusing to him at first and then comforting. She could open his mind with only a touch of her hand and then somehow managed to slowly start washing away the hurt and guilt he had carried for months. She could only see what he would allow, so he had a comfort zone of feeling in control. He'd shared bits and pieces of his life, mostly the days he'd spent with Drusilla, and some with Angelus and Darla. Those were the days that haunted him the most and the ones he was anxious to forget. He found himself opening up to her and sharing feelings he'd never thought he'd share with anyone. Well, except Buffy of course, but sharing and feelings were two words that had not been in her vocabulary when it came to him.  
  
He finished his shower and dressed in his usual black jeans and tee-shirt (some things just weren't meant to change) and headed downstairs for a pint of 0-Pos before meeting up with Kitara. He smiled to himself realizing he was really looking forward to it.  
  
TBC 


	3. Revelations

Chapter 3  
Revelations  
  
Kit (as Spike had grown accustomed to calling her) came down the stairs shortly after he had finished his mug, and found him standing outside the door, leaning against the wall. Cigarette in one hand, flask in the other he was gazing at the dark sky almost dazed. She cleared her throat to warrant his attention and his eyes traveled toward her.  
  
"Sorry, pet. Didn't hear you come out," he spoke as he tossed the butt away. Taking a drink, he looked back toward the stars.  
  
She took a place beside him against the wall and started to speak. "You know you're not supposed to drink during our meetings. It fogs your head. Harder to read you that way."  
  
He scoffed and took another swig. "Sorry. Guess the temptation's too hard to resist." He couldn't help but laugh out loud. That had been the story of his life for the past couple of years. Buffy was his temptation and he was powerless to do anything about it. She was fire and he couldn't resist the flame that scorched him over and over again.  
  
He shrugged it off. "So, what'll it be tonight then? The girls I raped and killed... or maybe the slayers I bagged. Surprised you haven't asked about them yet. Plenty to go 'round. Take your pick, luv. 's more where that came from."  
  
She was used to his self-loathing and didn't hesitate to answer. "I want to know why you fought for your soul."  
  
The statement caught him off guard. No one knew his reason for getting his soul back. He'd managed to keep it to himself for almost a year. Not sure if he was ready to talk about what had lead him to do the unthinkable, he took another smoke from the pack and took a deep unneeded breath. That's when it hit him. Telling her would free him. She could erase the pain and make his feelings for Buffy go away. Maybe he could move on.  
  
Two simple words spoken were all it took, and he knew there was no going back. "A girl," he whispered.  
  
He slid down the wall to a sitting position and she slowly joined him.  
  
"Tell me about her," she said in a soft tone he'd grown to adore. Kitara had a way of drawing everything out of him. She could pull out memory after painful memory with such an ease he couldn't explain.  
  
"What's to tell? Love of my life. Or unlife I guess you'd say. Except the feeling was never quite mutual." His tone changed to one of regret and emptiness.  
  
"She didn't love you?"  
  
"There was a time I thought she did. Deep down you know, maybe where she just couldn't find it. There were times when it was just me 'n her and I could see it. I could see something in her eyes, maybe just a glimpse. But I was wrong. She'd never allow herself to love me. Even if she did feel it."  
  
Kit looked down, not hiding the look of sympathy on her face. "So what happened? Where is she now?"  
  
" Long story. Or I guess I could give you the short version."  
  
"Whatever you want, Spike. I'm here to listen."  
  
"It's funny. Hated her from the start. She was the enemy chosen to fight the good fight and all that. Wanted to add her to the trophy pile 's all. Never did though. The fight with her became too enticing. Couldn't kill her. I'd miss the dance too much. Least that's what I thought." He looked at her to gage her reaction and she nodded for him to continue. "The chip's what finally did it. Buggering government demon hunters. Made me weak. Dependent.....on her. And on her band of bloody do-gooders. Couldn't hunt or feed, couldn't do what was in my nature. I tried. Believe me. Tried to bollocks things up real good for 'em. That never seemed to work out real well either."  
  
He stopped to finish off his drink and gave a short snarl when he realized he'd already smoked his last cigarette. Balling up the empty pack, he threw it on the ground. "You'd think I'd leave, right? Wrong. Had to be a stupid git. Started helpin' em, even if it was for free blood and smokes. Job paid well too. Til they cut me off." 'Wankers,' he added under his breath before starting again. She smiled slightly at his exclamatory remark but sat silently waiting for the story to continue.  
  
"So that's when it happened. I began to worry about what 'she' thought of me. Started tryin' to impress her. Found myself looking forward to the next time they needed me. That's not to say I wouldn't have tried to kill her if I could've gotten that piece of plastic out of my brain." He looked over at her. "Was still the Big Bad in these parts after all."  
  
"Of course," she added with a snicker.  
  
"So anyway, I started tryin' to do good by her. Make her think I was really one of the good guys. She never bought it, of course. She never believed a monster like me could change. Hell, I couldn't convince myself of it, how was I supposed to convince her?"  
  
"Do you think you did? Change?"  
  
"I don't know. Was probably just the chip. That's what she thought anyway. Compared me to a serial killer in prison once. Got right offended at the time, but now I realize she was probably right."  
  
Spike stood up feeling the need to stretch his legs and began to pace. "So then she kissed me. Out of pity, but still it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Had to get tortured by a Hell god to finally get her attention, but after the robot, what could I expect? Right?"  
  
"You lost me, Spike. Hell god? Robot?"  
  
"Not important," he answered, quickly trying to jump over the part about the bot. He knew 'that' bit of information would be too much for her to handle. His mind gave a visual of the cheerful Buffy look-alike. If only the real Buffy had treated him half as good as that piece of plastic did.  
  
"Anyway, we had to fight this Hell god. Glory. Right nasty bint. But we did it. Took her out and saved the world." He began fidgeting with his hands, desperately wishing he had another cigarette to occupy his fingers. "But not before we lost 'her' though."  
  
"Wait a minute. I know about this. Angel told me about the slayer fighting this Hell god." She looked up in amazement as realization finally dawned on her. "You mean you fell in love with Buffy? The slayer?"  
  
Spike was suddenly interested and sat down in front of Kit. "Angel told you about her?"  
  
"I did a little soul work on Angel awhile back. Helped him the same way I'm trying to help you. The slayer came up quite a bit. He'd been burying a lot more guilt than he lead on."  
  
"Not surprising. Angelus was a right nasty bastard in his day. Made me look like a saint compared to the things he did." He began playing with a couple of rocks on the pavement in front of him. He'd do anything to keep himself from having to look at her.  
  
"You say that almost as if you're jealous," she teased.  
  
"I was," he answered honestly. "Always have been. Guess I always will be, to an extent."  
  
"Well, I wasn't expecting that. Why would you be jealous of Angel?"  
  
Finally gaining the nerve to look up at her he answered. "He always had everything. Took whatever he wanted. Took Dru whenever he felt like it. Not because he really wanted her or anything, just because he could. Always had to share with 'im. Walked in his shadow until the poofter went and fed on the wrong girl and got himself cursed. Happiest day of my bloody life it was. Didn't know it was gonna come back to haunt me."  
  
"Meaning?" she asked not knowing where he was going with this.  
  
"The soul. The bloody soul was always the difference to her between Angel and me. Buffy thought of me as a monster and treated me as such, even though I would have gone to hell and back for her. He turns all evil and 'I'm gonna destroy the world' but everything's forgiven because he comes back all soul having again."  
  
"According to him she loved him. They shared something."  
  
"You mean they shagged once and brought Angelus back to the forefront? And this is the love of her life?! I shagged her from here to Sunday and it got me bloody nowhere!" he ranted, eyes flashing yellow for a second before turning back to their normal blue.  
  
She took his hand to try to calm him. "You mean you and Buffy.....?"  
  
"Sorry, pet. Skipped ahead a bit." He took his hand back and ran it through his curly locks. "Yeah, she came back from the grave feeling bad and needin' a bit of attention. Came to me for it. Didn't feel like she had anyone else I guess. I was just so happy to have her back I would have taken anything she had to give. Pretty much did. Came to me whenever she had an itch needed scratchin' only to tell me afterward that I was an evil soulless creature who didn't deserve her. Got used to it after awhile. Took it in stride. There were still those moments, every once in awhile where she'd let her guard down and let me in."  
  
"Sounds like a healthy relationship," she said sarcastically, trying to hide the hint of jealousy in her voice. "What is it with this girl? You and Angel both loved her. She seems like a bitch to me."  
  
He smiled. "Wasn't all her fault really. I stayed. She knew I'd never leave her. It became a cycle neither of us could end. I just wanted to hold onto a piece of her even if it was killing both of us in the process. She used me to feel like one of the living. Finally, bad things came to a head and I did something that shattered my illusion. Made me realize how easy it was for the real demon in me to slip out no matter how much I tried to hide it."  
  
After a brief silence between them, she could tell he wasn't going to go any further. She put her hand on his knee and rubbed it lightly in small circles. After enough time in his company, she'd learned the small things she could do to get him to relax when things got too intense for him. "It's alright, Spike. You can tell me what happened. It'll make you feel better."  
  
"Sorry, Kit. This one stays with me. Let's just say I had an epiphany of sorts. She couldn't love me because I had no soul. I decided to get one. Couldn't be too hard, right?" He sat in silence for another moment reflecting on what had happened between them in the bathroom. "Never thought I could hurt her. Thought my love was stronger than the demon. Guess I was wrong ." His lip quivered as he tried with all his strength not to let the tears spill. He'd cried in front of her before, but that had been over death and destruction. This was love and heartbreak. He felt like a poof showing this kind of emotion to her.  
  
She reached out and stroked his cheek, then smoothed out a lock of hair that curled around his ear. "You know what happens now. I can make it all go away. I can make you forget her and the pain will end. Is that what you want Spike? Do you want to forget about Buffy?"  
  
He lost the fight and the tears slowly flowed down his cheeks. "I know I have to. Eventually I will. But I'm not ready to forget. Not just yet."  
  
She raised his chin to make his eyes meet hers. "I can help you, Spike. Without the magic. I can help you forget her." With that she closed her eyes and leaned into him brushing her lips against his.  
  
He too closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of another person for the first time in months. A picture of Buffy came to mind and it made him kiss her that much harder.  
TBC 


	4. Forgetting

Chapter 4  
  
Forgetting  
  
She let the kiss linger for a moment and then pulled away. "I'm sorry, Spike. I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"It's okay. Not exactly complainin' here," he answered, trying to reach out for her again.  
  
"No. I mean I can't let what I want get in the way of why I'm here."  
  
Head cocked to the side, he looked at her with curiosity. "What is it that you want, pet?"  
  
She gave him an exasperated look. "You, Spike. Can't you tell? I've wanted you almost from the time I met you."  
  
If vampires could blush he would have been red when she continued. "I've even had fantasies about you. About us." Her seductive tone made his jeans tight as vivid pictures entered his mind. "You have a way of drawing me in."  
  
"That's just a vampire thing. You'll get over it," he snorted, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
She stood up, turning away from him and took a position leaning against the wall. "I'm not joking, Spike. I feel something with you. I thought I could ignore it but obviously, I'm not doing such a good job."  
  
"It's not that I haven't noticed you too, pet." Standing up, he made his way over to where she was. He positioned himself directly in front of her. "It's just been a long time since I've let myself think of anything that would make me feel good. Feel pleasure. Been mostly about the pain and guilt these days."  
  
"I know that. I've felt your pain and guilt. But it doesn't have to be that way. The demon isn't the only thing inside you, Spike. You can't change the things you've done. But I've met the man inside too. And he's just as much a part of you. Probably more."  
  
He smiled and looked at her in awe. She'd said the one thing he'd wanted to hear from Buffy but never had. That his demon didn't define who he was. Maybe it had a long time ago. All those years he'd spent living the way a respected vampire should. Killing and mayhem were just a part of the way things were supposed to be for him. But that had changed. He couldn't determine why, whether it was the chip that had done it, reconditioned him, or his love for Buffy. The latter alternative shouldn't have been possible. A demon shouldn't be able to feel love. But he had. He'd loved Drusilla for a hundred years. Still did in a way. But his love for Buffy had overshadowed those feelings. She was strong and independent. He didn't have to take care of her. Her strength was what he loved most about her. But she wouldn't see him. She refused to see beyond the vampire. She wouldn't acknowledge the man he'd tried to become for her.  
  
"That's why I got the soul," he whispered. "To convince her I could be man enough for her. It was good enough for Angel. Hoped it would be good enough for me too."  
  
"Then why didn't you go to her? Why didn't you let her know?"  
  
"Because having a soul made me realize she was right. It made me see things through her eyes for a change. I may have felt bad about some of the things I had done before, but I never actually felt like any of those things were wrong. Bloody conscience is all a soul is. Not emotions as some would believe. "  
  
She reached out, grabbing his hands and gazed into his eyes. The crystal blue orbs staring back at her could express everything he felt. "She doesn't deserve you. You need someone who can see past the demon. Someone who can accept you for what you are."  
  
"Are you saying you could?"  
  
"Accept you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I already have."  
  
That's all it took for him to slide his hands around her waste and capture her mouth with his. He kissed her with a desperation and passion he'd forgotten he could feel.  
  
She stopped long enough to gaze into his eyes once more. "You don't need her, Spike. I can give you everything. Forget about her."  
  
"I want to, luv. I really do. Let's just get it over with then."  
  
"Are you sure? Do you really want it? Just say the word and I'll make it happen. Like all the others you've shared with me, the memory will be a haze. You won't remember any of the pain she caused you or the feelings you felt about her. You'll just remember her as the slayer. Not the woman you loved."  
  
"I've loved her for so long now. And all it's caused me is pain. I need to move on." His lips found hers again and he felt a weight lift as he made the decision.  
  
She ran her hands up the small of his back and pulled him closer, tightening her grip into a hug. His eyes closed and he took in the feel of her body against his. He smelled the perfume that was now embedded in his brain as her scent, taking no notice to the evil grin on her lips when she finally pulled away saying, "It's time then." She reached up placing her hands on either side of his face just as she had done countless times before. She almost said the words when another presence was felt beside them.  
  
Angel appeared looking anxious and worried. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I wouldn't have but there's trouble. We have to go!"  
  
"Where mate? " Spike asked pulling away from Kitara.  
  
"Sunnydale."  
  
Spike threw his head back and closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "Oh, bloody hell."  
  
"I know you have your reasons for not wanting to go back. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure they're valid to you. But Buffy called. She wouldn't call me unless she was really in trouble."  
  
Every muscle in his body tensed at the mentioned her name. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have reacted that way. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have remembered 'how' to react in regards to her. She would have just been the slayer. Another person he had encountered but long forgotten. He looked at Kitara and then to Angel.  
  
"Any guess what it was about?" he asked, his voice a little shaken.  
  
"No. Just asked for help. She sounded bad. Scared."  
  
Instinct told him to run away. Every bone in his body told him to take Kitara and leave California for good. They could finish what they had started and could make a new life. He thought in time he might actually be able to love her. Two months with her and she had conjured feelings inside him he only thought were possible with Buffy. What could she do to him in six months? A year? One last look at Angel and he realized he'd never know. He looked over at Kit and saw the emotion in her eyes. She was looking at him with hope. Hope that he would say no and stay there with her. He scowled and looked down.  
  
"When do we leave?" His battle was lost. He would return to face the girl he had just moments ago been ready to forget about.  
  
"Now. Doesn't sound like there's much time," the other vampire answered quickly.  
  
Kitara stepped in and looked at Angel. "Spike and I have to finish what we were doing first."  
  
"I'm sorry. This is more important. We have to go."  
  
Spike gave her a knowing look. He knew she wanted to help him. He knew she could feel the inner turmoil crawling around inside his whole body.  
  
"It's okay, pet. I'm sure there'll be time when we get there."  
  
"Sorry, Spike. Everyone else stays here. I don't know what we're facing and I'm not gonna risk anyone else until we check it out. I know you can handle yourself, that's the only reason I asked you to come. I told the others to wait here until we call them." Angel turned to leave. "I'm gonna go in and grab some things we'll be needing." Spike nodded and watched as he retreated into the hotel.  
  
After he left Spike looked at the girl in front of him. "'s okay. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I need it to let go." He leaned in and kissed her softly, stroking her hair with his hand.  
  
She pushed him away and her eyes burned into him with a fury he'd never seen from her. "Goodbye, Spike!" She stormed off inside leaving him alone and confused. Maybe it was because she was hurt but he'd felt the anger coming off of her in waves. He shook it off and went inside to grab his things. No time to think about it right now. After a few short minutes they were in the car and on their way to Sunnydale. They drove in silence both lost in thought. The only time they spoke was when they stopped for smokes, much to Angel's dismay. Spike knew Angel still had feelings for Buffy and wondered if the other man was as nervous about seeing her as he was. He kept it to himself and sunk into the seat practicing scenarios in his mind of what he would say when he was standing in front of her.  
  
Meanwhile back at the Hyperion, Kitara stood in her room talking to an angry demon.  
  
"You messed up, Kitara."  
  
"I know," she answered with fear in her voice.  
  
The other creature looked down at her and spoke with a threatening tone. "You were supposed to keep him away. There are ways to deal with Angelus but the other one will prove to be a problem."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said bowing her head.  
  
"I'm sure you will be. He will not be pleased."  
  
The demon disappeared as quickly as he had arrived and left her sobbing in a heap on the floor. 


	5. Homecoming

Chapter 5  
  
Homecoming  
  
It was midnight by the time they passed the sign welcoming them to Sunnydale. Spike lit up a cigarette and took a puff trying to calm the churning in his stomach. It was hard to believe it had been a year since he'd been here. His thoughts focused on Buffy and their last encounter before he left. That pivotal moment had changed everything for him. He remembered the look of horror on her face as he pushed on top of her. He had lost himself that night. All he wanted was for her to say those three words he'd longed to hear. For her to say she loved him. The trembling in her voice as she begged for him to stop had only made him want her more. Her fear was intoxicating and served as an aphrodisiac to the demon, but the other part, the man, just wanted to be lost in her again. He wanted to make her feel the heat that had been so good between them. The heat that made them both feel alive. He'd never meant to hurt her. If that had been his intension she never would have been able to kick him away. If he had unleashed the full power of his demon he would have taken her and she could have done nothing to stop him. He shuddered at the thought of what he had almost allowed to happen.  
  
He came back to his present surroundings and realized they were almost there. He began to panic. After a year how would she react to him? Would she yell? Scream? Tell him to get out? He would understand if she did. Then again with Angel there, her knight in shining armor, would she even notice that he was around? What if he had been wrong? What if it had been just sex for her and now she regarded him as if nothing had happened between them? That would almost be worse than her insults and anger. At least when she was yelling and fighting it meant she did feel 'something'. He knew it would be hard to hide his emotions from her. All he wanted to do was wrap himself up in her and beg for forgiveness. Beg for another chance. He knew she didn't belong in the darkness with him like he'd always claimed. Maybe he should have tried harder to walk in the light with her instead. He frowned at the absurdity of that thought. He was a vampire. Darkness was what he was. He found himself wishing Kit had been able to finish. Anything to take him out of the situation he was about to face. When they turned into the driveway of Buffy's house he took a deep breath and got ready to put on the 'Big Bad' façade he'd long since shed. He wasn't about to let her see how vulnerable he really felt. He flicked his butt over the door of the convertible and turned toward Angel.  
  
"Guess we're here then," he said, the first words spoken in over an hour. Angel nodded and jumped out of the car. Spike made no effort to move.  
  
"Are you coming?" Angel asked, grabbing a travel bag in the seat behind him.  
  
"Give us a minute, mate. I'll be right behind you," he answered holding up his pack of menthols as if that was the reason he was staying. Angel again nodded in reply and headed toward the front door. Spike finally found the nerve to exit the car and leaned up against it, lighting another smoke. He watched intently when the door opened and he saw her standing there. Buffy was less than a hundred feet in front of him and he could swear he felt his dead heart beat. He watched as they exchanged words and then as Angel walked inside. He had obviously not let on that Spike was there because the door was closed behind him.  
  
He discarded his cigarette on the ground beside the other one and made his way to the porch. It was now or never. Shoulders back, head up. 'Just knock you wanker,' he urged himself silently. When he finally mustered up the courage to put his hand to the door it opened and she was in front of him, her eyes wide with surprise.  
  
"Spike," she said almost in question.  
  
"Hello, Buffy," he answered, unable to meet her eyes.  
  
"You're back.... And with Angel?" Her eyes stared with a puzzled expression.  
  
"Yeah. I guess I am." He tried to keep his words short and simple as to not reveal the true anxiousness he was feeling.  
  
After a moment where neither of them seemed to know what to do, she stepped back to let him in. His heart sank when he felt the invisible barrier holding him at bay. His eyes finally found hers and showed a glimpse of the hurt and despair he was trying to hide.  
  
"Uninvited I see," he mumbled softly, not hiding the disappointment in his voice.  
  
She realized and quickly spoke up. "Oh! No Spike, it's not like..... I mean, it's not....." She sighed and began again. "It's a protection spell on the house. No one can come in without being invited."  
  
He felt the relief flood through him. "Oh." And why was she so anxious to explain? She couldn't have been trying to save his feelings.  
  
"I never uninvited you," she said almost in a whisper he would not have caught had it not been for his vamp hearing. "Come on in, Spike."  
  
After an awkward moment he passed the threshold and entered the room with the others. All eyes were focused intently on him. Glancing around he saw Giles sitting on the sofa, eyeglasses and handkerchief in hand. Spike almost chuckled at the familiar sight. His eyes then traveled to Willow sitting at the table in front of her laptop with an unfamiliar girl close beside her. No one else was there and he casually wondered where the rest of the scoobies were. He then took a second glance around and looked at Buffy.  
  
"Where's the bit then?" he asked with concern.  
  
"Dawn? Oh, Xander and Anya took her to my dad's. I thought it would be safer if she were there.... with him. They should be back tomorrow."  
  
He nodded and felt a sigh of relief that the younger Summers girl was all right. He then looked pointedly at Willow with confusion. Where was Red's girlfriend? "And the witch?" He felt the tension in the room increase and instantly wished he'd not asked.  
  
Buffy jumped in and cut Willow off just as she was about to speak. "A lot has happened since you... left. Someone'll fill you in I'm sure but right now we have other things to worry about."  
  
She stepped around him to join Giles on the couch and he took notice of her obvious attempt not to flinch when her arm accidentally brushed against his. He leaned against the wall not wanting to invade her space, hands in his pockets, wishing for the times when this discomfort was not between them.  
  
Angel finally broke the mood. "I came as soon as I could." His eyes darted to the other vampire leaning against the wall. "Figured you could use all the manpower you could get," he added trying to explain Spike's presence.  
  
"Thank you. And we can," Buffy answered, staring at the floor to avoid having to look at the blonde vampire. "This thing we're fighting, it's bad. I called you, Angel, because you've dealt with it before."  
  
He stayed silent waiting for her to finish.  
  
"The First. The First Evil. The thing that almost convinced you to kill yourself? Well it's here and it's pissed. I think it wants revenge or something. Problem is, we don't have a clue about how to fight it. It's strong, and getting stronger."  
  
Angel stood quiet trying to soak in the information. He thought back to the memories of The First and the power it had over him. "What are we dealing with?"  
  
"Well for starters.vampires. Sort of. But these things can't be staked. Sunlight and decapitation are about the only ways to kill 'em as far as we can tell. And they're strong. Stronger than anything we've had to fight. Hell god included," she said looking Spike's way. "Besides that, the hell mouth is throwing out just about everything it can conjure up."  
  
Spike listened intently and lingered on her every word. Her worry and fear were pouring out and he resisted the urge to run to her, protect her and tell her everything would be okay.  
  
"Research?" Angel asked. "What do you know?"  
  
"Not much. Well, the vampires are easy enough. Giles found them. They are called Turok-Han vampires. Some primeval sort of line. I guess they're like minions. Not too smart but I'm not saying I want to meet up with one again any time soon."  
  
Everyone seemed surprised when Spike spoke. "What do you know about The Big Bad?"  
  
Buffy hesitated still seemingly shocked by his presence. She gained her composure and looked around to see if anyone else noticed the effect he was having on her. "Seems to control everything. All the bad guys. Demons.vamps.you name it. At first it was only the basic messing with your mind kinda stuff. It could play with you. Try to control you, like it did with Angel," she said glancing his way. "But it's gotten worse. Somehow it's found a way to take solid form. Can only appear as someone whose passed away though. But it seems to show up as someone you usually want to see."  
  
Spike felt a shiver when Buffy's eyes fell directly on him. "It's hard to tell what's real and what's not. Most of us here have encountered it like this." She continued to speak almost as if she were speaking to no one but him. "It lies. It says things you want to hear. It's like it can reach inside and access everything you feel. It's so believable you'd really think you were talking to that person. But that's its way in. To control you."  
  
The air in the room was thick with tension. The tone was grim and it was obvious everyone was exhausted. Giles stood up placing his glasses back in place and stretched. "Buffy, there's nothing more we can do tonight. Why don't we make suitable arrangements for everyone and pick this up in the morning."  
  
" I guess you're right." She looked back toward Angel and Spike to explain. "We've been up for hours. Actually days trying to figure this thing out." She stood up and followed suit with Giles in a deep stretch. "Well, Giles is in Dawn's room while she's gone." She looked around contemplating sleeping arrangements. "That leaves the couch and I think there's still an old mattress down in the basement. I guess you two can fight it out."  
  
"'s okay," Spike spoke up. "Peaches here can have the couch. Don't fancy waking up to the bright mornin' sun." He felt a little cockiness come back and gave a small smirk. "I'd Much prefer the basement anyway."  
  
"Fine. Angel you have the couch," she stated, walking to the windows, to close the blinds and curtains.  
  
Everyone began to mottle around and disappear into his or her designated rooms. Spike made his way through the house out to the back porch, nicking a bottle of Jack from the cabinet on his way. Stepping outside, he lit up, taking a drag as he sat down on the step and opened the bottle. Memories flooded him. Times on this very step where they'd sat in silence and sometimes even conversation. He hadn't been there but a few minutes when he felt an all too familiar feeling in his gut. He knew she was there, standing in the doorway behind him.  
  
"Thought I'd find you out here," she said joining him on the steps.  
  
He glanced upward and found something interesting in the sky to occupy his attention. "Just needed a breath of fresh air."  
  
"Spike, you don't breathe."  
  
"Yeah. Guess that excuse doesn't work for vamps, huh?" He took a swig from the bottle and made a gesture to offer it to her. Instead, she grimaced and sat down beside him. He shrugged his shoulders and took another gulp. At least she hadn't staked him yet.  
  
They sat in silence, both contemplating what to say. He'd finished one cigarette, started another and was making good leeway on the bottle before she spoke again. "So where were you?"  
  
"Time for twenty questions is it, slayer?" he asked sarcastically.  
  
"It's been a year, Spike. I think I have a right to know why you left."  
  
"You know why," he answered as dry as he could make it sound. Deep inside it was killing him to be this cold and insensitive to her, but his senses told him to be on the defensive. He was waiting for one of her many tongue- lashings, only to be surprised at her response.  
  
She fell silent once again and he knew she was reliving the same scenes he'd held onto for the past year. She nervously fidgeted with a loose string on her blouse. "I know you didn't mean it."  
  
He was stunned. Wasn't exactly what he was expecting to hear. "Well now. That's a surprise." Another swig from the bottle. " I was half expecting a pointy new stake with my name on it."  
  
"I had one of those.....for a while," she answered, only half joking he decided. It was enough to allow some of the tension to dissipate. She slowly turned her body to face his, still far enough away to keep her own space. "Things were just too intense. Too much anger between us. I should've just made you leave when you got there. Then maybe you wouldn't of...." She stopped short. "Well, you know."  
  
"Don't be so timid about it, Slayer. I tried to rape you," he announced harshly.  
  
"Yes, you did." She paused. "But you didn't. And I knew you were sorry. I knew it even before you left."  
  
He looked dumbfounded at her. All of a sudden he was angry. How dare she tell him it was okay. This life changing thing and she had swept it under the carpet like it was nothing. He'd wanted her forgiveness but now her willingness to give it made him want to jump up and slap her. He wasn't ready to be forgiven. "I wasn't sorry. I was just mad I didn't finish the job. Evil, remember? Or did you forget?"  
  
"Spike, what are you doing? I know you don't mean that."  
  
"Don't be too sure, luv. Wouldn't put your guard down if I were you. You know what they say...once a monster...."  
  
"Spike! Stop it!" She hopped up raising her hands to her hips as she stood facing him.  
  
"What, are you defending me now? My how the tables turn, slayer."  
  
"I'm not defending you! I was just trying to say I understood!"  
  
Throwing the half finished bottle crashing to the ground beside him, he jumped up off of the stoop with lightning speed. He was standing inches from her, fists clenching. "You don't understand anything! It's still all black and white to you, isn't it?"  
  
"What are you talking about, Spike?!" she yelled, frustrated at how this was turning out.  
  
"You just don't get it! You can forgive me for doing what I did. You can forgive me for trying to....." He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw, and then looked back at her. "If you can forgive me for something as horrible as that, why couldn't you just forgive me for what I am!?"  
  
"Again, Spike.....what are you talking about!!?"  
  
He shifted into full vamp mode grabbing her arms at the elbow. He let out a low growl just to say he meant business. "I. Am. A.Vampire! Accept it! Yeah, dead inside....evil......all those things you flung at me over and over again! They're all a part of who I am!" He slipped back into his human guise and calmed his tone. "But only a part. I am a man, Buffy! And you couldn't forgive me for loving you! That's what it was all about. That's all I wanted from you." He slid his hands down her arms taking them away.  
  
"This is getting us nowhere!" She began to step around him.  
  
He knew she was about to run. He caught her arm and held it. "You came out here looking for me, Buffy. Not the other way around! We're gonna have this out! You and me, right here, right now!" When she looked as if she would stay, he let her go.  
  
"We're back to the same old circle, Spike! Demons! Cannot! Love!!!" she screamed, stressing each word. "'That' was my problem with you! That's the part 'you' don't understand! You ask me why I couldn't forgive you for what you are? Well that's it!" She took a deep breath trying to calm herself and then let everything go. " I wanted to love you so much that it was killing me inside! You made it so easy to love you! But I couldn't let myself because one day you were gonna wake up and realize this 'thing' you thought you felt wasn't real!" The tears erupted and she looked away from him. "And where would that have left me?" she asked sobbing softly.  
  
He couldn't speak. Everything around him seemed to disappear in a haze. How could she have kept this from him all that time? She wanted to love him. She was just afraid of being hurt again.  
  
"Angel is a demon. You never denied 'his' love for you," he accused.  
  
"Angel has a soul."  
  
The feeling he had just experienced started to melt away. He'd wanted to sweep her up and kiss her and thank her for finally revealing some part of her feelings to him. It all ended with that simple phrase. Angel has a soul. He played it over again. The distaste got worse. Angel has a soul. It echoed in his head, his temper rising each time. Finally he blew up.  
  
"Bloody Angel and his bloody soul!!!! Someone needs to teach you a little something about souls and lack of, pet! Having a soul doesn't make you feel love! It doesn't make you feel anything that wasn't already there to begin with! And 'I' sure as hell didn't need this bloody soul to convince me that what I felt for you was real!!!!"  
  
It was out before he could stop it. He hadn't meant for her to find out that way. He wasn't even sure if he had planned on telling her at all.  
  
Her eyes burned into him as she realized what he had said. "How?"  
  
"How's not the important question, luv. 'Why' is what you should ask."  
  
"Then why, Spike?"  
  
He sat back down and took out his cigarettes. Lighting one he took a drag and exhaled watching the smoke wither away. "To take away your excuse."  
  
TBC 


	6. Angel

Chapter 6  
Angel  
Buffy was stunned. She couldn't find the words for what she was feeling. Sitting down beside him on the step, she remained silent. Only one thought in her head. Spike had a soul.  
  
He was the one to finally break the silence. "Look, Buffy.... I don't expect you to say anything. I didn't come back here to try to get back...well, whatever it was we had. It wasn't good for either of us. I know that now. I just came to help with whatever this thing is and then I'm gone. Back to L.A. and out of your life. just like you always wanted."  
  
Her body tensed at the thought of Spike leaving again. "You don't have to go."  
  
"Yes... I do, slayer. Best for both of us." He stood up and turned to her. "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna go. I'll do a quick patrol, maybe check out a few old haunts. I'll see if I can find out anything about our big nasty."  
  
"We aren't done talking," she said softly.  
  
"I am, Buffy. Nothing left to say." He turned again and started making his way to the street when she called out to him.  
  
"Spike! Hold on!" She wanted to run to him, grab him, and beg him to never leave her again. Instead, she turned away.  
  
He stopped with a sigh. He needed to get away from her. Her comment about Angel was heavily weighing on him. He realized they needed to talk but right now would not be that time. He knew he would say things he'd regret later. He was a little confused when she walked up the steps and into the house. After a minute, she came back holding something under her arm. Walking over to him, she handed him his duster.  
  
"You kept it?" he asked rubbing the worn leather coat between his hands.  
  
"Just in case," she answered. "If you're gonna go out and act like the Big Bad, you might as well look the part."  
  
She smiled when he slid it on. There was nothing sexier she thought, than Spike clad in the long leather duster.  
  
"I shouldn't wear it. Doesn't hold very good memories, luv" He sought out the memory of the night he'd acquired the jacket from his second slayer.  
  
He began pulling it off when she stopped him. "It's just a coat, Spike. Doesn't matter how you got it."  
  
He nodded. She wouldn't understand that it wasn't just a coat. It was a trophy. But he wasn't in the mood to argue anymore, so he turned on his heel and walked away. Buffy watched him leave and then retreated back into the house.  
  
Looking around for Angel, she found the living room empty. She made her way to the couch and sat, trying to regain her composure. Being around Spike had brought out feelings she'd buried since he'd left town. Over the past year her life had gotten better. She had a better job with more money, her relationship with Dawn had flowered, and she actually enjoyed being around her friends again. Unfortunately, the only other thing she wanted she didn't have. She wanted Spike. She missed him. Every now and then she would find herself pulling his leather duster out of the closet. Wearing it on patrol, she could feel the leather against her skin and smell the scent that was uniquely his. On those nights she could almost pretend he was still there. That he'd never left her.  
  
Trying to convince herself she didn't care that he was gone, she had also tried on more than one occasion to date, only to find herself bored and uninterested in any man she met. None of them made her feel the fire inside like he had. She began to regret the way she treated him and vowed to make it up to him if he ever returned to her. More than anything she wanted to apologize for not trusting in him. He'd shown his loyalty time and time again only to have her shoot him down. Why couldn't she have just accepted that he loved her and let herself be happy for once?  
  
She sighed and wiped the falling tears off her cheeks. Feeling a presence she looked up to see Angel standing in the doorway to the kitchen.  
  
"How ya holdin' up?" he asked, walking across the room toward her.  
  
She leaned back and grabbed a pillow to wrap her arms around. "I'm really not... but I'm glad you're here."  
  
"I wish you would have called me sooner," he stated.  
  
Joining her on the couch, he moved closer and slipped his arm around her back, letting her relax into him.  
  
"I wasn't sure. I know you have your own problems keeping you busy in L.A."  
  
"Buffy....." He took her hand in his and gave a comforting squeeze. "You know I'll always be here when you need me."  
  
"I know." She paused briefly. "It's just, things are different. I mean, I haven't seen you in almost two years."  
  
"Things have been different for a long time. We both know that. It doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I can't visit because it's just so hard being around you.knowing what I can't have."  
  
"Angel...," she interrupted.  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I know we can't be together, but that doesn't change the fact that I still want you. I'll always love you."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. Why were things so difficult? Three years ago, she would have wanted this. All she wanted at the time was for Angel to be there to love and protect her. But that was a long time ago. She had changed so much since then. And now all she wanted was Spike. She allowed herself to imagine it was 'him' sitting here with her telling her he wanted her. She wanted to hear those words she'd only screamed at him for saying. The words she would not allow from him no matter how many times he'd tried. That he loved her.  
  
Still lost in her fantasy, she felt him push toward her and felt cool lips pressing into hers. She wimpered and opened her mouth to allow him access. A hand found it's way to her hair and stroked it gently. Their tongues intertwined in a battle and she felt herself wanting so much more. Opening her eyes expecting to see Crystal blue, she saw dark brown staring back at her. She pulled away suddenly.  
  
"Angel! I'm sorry! That shouldn't of.I mean, we can't." she stuttered putting her hand to her lips. She couldn't imagine what he would say if he knew she had been thinking about Spike.  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to... It's just....."  
  
"Angel, we both know it's wrong. On so many levels...."  
  
"I know, I know. I'd loose my soul, evil again, yada yada yada...."  
  
She smiled at the faint amount of humor in his voice. "Well yeah, there's that. And that's a big negative factor! But there's something else. I'm sort of, I think I'm in love with someone. I just don't know how he feels." She stopped deep in thought. "Actually, I don't know exactly what we're doing."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. I'm dealing. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression because I'm feeling all clingy."  
  
"I get it. Business from now on, okay?"  
  
"Deal. You and me...kissing...not a good idea." She felt relieved. She didn't have to spill the beans about Spike, but she managed to get out of it without hurting Angel's feelings.  
  
"So, this guy...." he said. "Can I do anything? Could use a midnight snack! Solve all your problems..."  
  
She broke into a laugh and hugged him softly. "Thank you, Angel. But I think I can handle it."  
  
"You're sure?" he asked with a smile.  
  
"Yeah. In fact, I think I'm gonna go try to clear my head a little. Spike went to patrol. Maybe I'll catch up and see if he needs help." She really wanted to see him. She had to find out where they stood. She had to know if he still loved her.  
  
"It looked like you were having a pretty intense conversation out there earlier."  
  
She glanced at him wondering if he'd overheard any of it.  
  
As if he could read her mind, he answered. "I wasn't eavesdropping. I was just..... I didn't hear anything."  
  
"It's okay. And yeah, a little intense. Then again we're talking about Spike," she said with a chuckle.  
  
"Is that why he didn't want to come back here?" he asked curiously.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't know. First, he didn't want me to tell you he was in L.A. Then when I mentioned Sunnydale, he wasn't too thrilled."  
  
"How long has he been in L.A.?" she asked avoiding his question.  
  
"A few months, I guess. I don't know how long he was there before, but he showed up on my doorstep about three months ago."  
  
She tried not to let him see how much this bothered her. Spike really hadn't wanted to see her.  
  
"I wouldn't think he'd go to you. And why's he still alive?" She could only imagine Angel wanting to kill him as soon as he saw him.  
  
"Because of you. If you hadn't kept me up to date, I think I would have dusted him on the spot. Can't say he didn't have it coming to him."  
  
For once Buffy was glad to have confided in Angel. She'd always felt a little strange talking about him, knowing how much he really didn't like Spike. She didn't know much of their history together, but could feel the animosity every time she mentioned his name.  
  
"So, how's he been?"  
  
"Okay, I think. But I should really let him tell you himself."  
  
"He told me about getting his soul back," she spoke, knowing it's what he was avoiding.  
  
"Oh. I wasn't sure he would."  
  
"Don't think he meant to. I think it kinda slipped out."  
  
"Well, he's dealing okay. And I think he's finally moving on. It's about time he stopped pining over the same woman."  
  
"Huh?" Buffy's heart sped and she felt all the blood leave her face. Did he know? He couldn't possibly know and not have said anything!  
  
"Yeah. He met someone. And they seem sort of cozy. I guess he's finally over Drusilla."  
  
"That's good." Heart beating, hands shaking, dizziness threatening to overcome her, Buffy quickly stood. Spike met someone? She felt the jealousy boiling up inside her. Spike wasn't supposed to find anyone else. He was supposed to always be there, pining over her!  
  
"I'm gonna go. I'll be back before dawn. Just watch everyone here. Protect them."  
  
He'd barely gotten a chance to agree before she was out the door. She had to find Spike. She was finally ready to admit it. She loved him. She just hoped it wasn't too late.  
  
TBC 


	7. Truth

Chapter 7  
  
Truth  
  
Spike made it halfway down Revello Drive. "Bugger it!" He stopped and stood in the middle of the street. Taking his cigarette pack out of his pocket, he slid one between his lips and put the rest back into his duster. He turned around, contemplating the house he'd just left. Maybe he should go back and talk to her. He lit up and smoked, still standing in the same spot. After rolling it over in his head, he began to walk back. He casually made his way around to the front porch. He was just about to grab the knob when he caught a glimpse through the front window. His eyes flashed yellow and a growl emerged from deep in his throat. There she was. Locked in a deep kiss with Angel. He felt sick to his stomach. It took every ounce of control not to let the demon surface. He wanted to barge in and rip Angel's head from his shoulders. Instead, he turned and ran. He continued to run until he reached the nearest graveyard. He felt an overwhelming need to kill something. He vamped and grabbed the first headstone he saw. It went crashing to the ground with a thud.  
  
"That bitch!" he screamed looking around for more things to damage. "Always Angel! Well she can have that bloody poof!" He kicked another stone over and turned when he heard a rustling behind him.  
  
A newly born vampire picked that precise moment to rise from his safe resting place. He never saw what hit him as Spike yanked him out by his head and twisted. "Sorry, mate. I'm the only Big Bad out here tonight," he said to the pile of dust before him. Brushing off his duster, he grabbed another cigarette and decided to see what his good friend Willy was up to. He planned on being mind-numbing drunk by the time he had to return to his designated place in the basement.  
  
Buffy walked through several graveyards not seeing any sign of Spike. She was a little unnerved about being out alone. She'd never minded patrolling by herself before, at least not until the 'Super Vamps' started showing up. They had hoped there was only one, but soon realized after she'd killed him, that there were more. Cautiously, she moved through another empty graveyard and finally gave up. Two hours and still no luck. She tried to decide where the most likely place would be and settled on Willy's. She made her way through town to the bar at the end of the familiar dark alley. She pushed herself through the door and stomped up toward the owner.  
  
"Slayer!" Willey called loudly, looking around at the patrons in his bar. "What brings you here?" His voice was nervous and shaky. He really hated her visits and it was really, really bad for business.  
  
"Not a social visit. Just looking for...." she stopped when she saw Spike in a corner booth, bottle in hand. "Never mind."  
  
She headed toward the back of the bar but not before Willey caught her arm. "Watch it, Slayer. He's in a really bad mood." She nodded. She approached Spike and sat down across from him.  
  
"What do you want?" he grunted, taking another swig from the bottle.  
  
"I was looking for you," she answered counting the several empty bottles sitting in front of him.  
  
"Well, good for you, slayer. Now sod off."  
  
The sound of his voice was threatening and she found herself tensing up. "Spike... what's wrong with you?"  
  
"I said leave!" he stated with a growl, his face shifting to his vampiric features.  
  
It caught her off guard and she flinched back in he seat. "Stop it, Spike! Talk to me!"  
  
"Buffy..... I'm warning you. Go!"  
  
She didn't budge. She crossed her arms stubbornly in front of her. He shook off his demon, realizing she wasn't being affected by it. "Fine then. I'll go!" He stood, grabbing his smokes and his half finished bottle. He stormed out, duster flapping behind him.  
  
She shook her head. "Pain in the ass vampire," she mumbled to herself before getting up to follow him. She caught up before he reached the end of the alley. Grabbing his shoulder, she roughly pulled him around to face her. On instinct, he let go of his bottle of jack and swung his arm, connecting with her jaw. She reeled back and punched him in the nose. He wiped the blood with his fingers and smirked.  
  
"Is that what you want, slayer? A fight?" he asked backing her up against the wall. She threw another punch only to have him grab her arm in mid air. Reaching for the other one, he had both arms held over her head and pushed his whole body against hers. His head dipped and his lips found the side of her neck causing a slight moan to escape her.  
  
Working his way up to her ear with soft kisses, he whispered seductively. "Or maybe you had something else in mind."  
  
His hands slid down her arms and around the back of her neck as his lips grabbed onto hers. He held her in an angry embrace matched only by the force of her arms trying to pull him closer. The smell of her arousal was intoxicating and he knew he was loosing control. Feeling a sense of loss when her hands dropped from his back, he regained it when he felt her working the buckle on his jeans. Seconds passed, and with the pull of a zipper, she was inside. Her hands felt like heaven as she fondled and caressed him.  
  
"Oh God, Buffy," he moaned, pushing his hands underneath her blouse to find her breasts. It had been so long, he felt like he was gonna explode just from her touch.  
  
"I want you, Spike," she whispered, her voice dripping with need.  
  
Hearing her voice was enough to shake him. With a suddenness that startled her, he pulled away as if he'd been burned. He reached to his pants refastening and buckling, then ran his hands nervously through his hair. Pulling out a cigarette, he glanced at her confused state.  
  
"We're not doing this," he said as calmly as he could muster.  
  
"Spike..... I...."  
  
He cut her off. "No! Now go home."  
  
"But we need to...."  
  
Again, he interrupted. "'We' don't need to do anything, slayer. Go home! ..... to him," he mumbled under his breath.  
  
"What was that?" she asked, catching what he'd said. "What are you talking about?"  
  
He grit his teeth and shook his head in anger. "Bollocks!" he screamed. "I won't be your bloody consolation prize, slayer. Not anymore."  
  
"Spike.... I don't understand. I thought you wanted...."  
  
" To shag you up against the wall of this hellhole, slayer? Did enough of that last go around, don't you think? Or maybe that's the way you like it. Fitting place for a demon, right? Can pretend it doesn't mean anything if it's just a good screw in a dark alley."  
  
"That's not fair, Spike."  
  
"Fair? What would you know about fair? All those times you let me touch you, hold you, and make love to you.... pouring everything I had into you until there was nothing left of me... And regardless of what you say, I 'was' making love to you. Every time. No matter how hard or rough you wanted it. Each time hoping that maybe, just maybe you'd feel it too."  
  
"I couldn't...."  
  
"I know. And I won't go back to that. And I won't play second fiddle just because your precious Angel can't finish the job."  
  
"That's what this is about! Angel?"  
  
"Just icing on top of the cake, luv. Just one more reason you could never really love me," he answered. "Got your motor revving and came looking for me, huh pet? Not this time. I'm done being your lapdog."  
  
"You have no idea what you're talking about, Spike. There's nothing between Angel and me. Not anymore."  
  
"Yeah. Right. Would sound convincing if your lips hadn't been glued to his not more than a couple of hours ago!"  
  
Her eyes widened and she finally understood what this entire scene had been about. "Spike, it was just a kiss and it was a mistake."  
  
"No. The only mistake was my coming to this godforsaken town thinking things could be different for us. I tried to convince myself I was over you. I could lie to myself when you weren't around, but god help me as soon as I saw you, Buffy..." He felt the tears but managed to hold them back. "But I can't handle it. Not this time. I'm dealing with too much to have to take what you dish out."  
  
"Spike, it doesn't have to be that way...things 'can' be different," she pleaded, fighting back her own tears.  
  
"It's too late, slayer." He turned and walked away before she could say another word. Once he was out of view, she let go and let the tears flow free. 


	8. Dreams

Chapter 8  
  
Dreams  
  
Angel was finally tired enough after Buffy left to stretch out on the sofa. Flipping on the television, it wasn't long before his eyes shut and he was asleep. Asleep and dreaming the same dream he'd experienced over and over for years. Different situations, different places, but always Buffy. Always making love to Buffy. This time she came to him, here on the couch, while everyone else was fast asleep upstairs. She put a finger over his lips when he tried to speak, trying to warn her that someone might wake up.  
  
"Shhh," she whispered, replacing her finger with her mouth. She kissed him gently. Her lips were soft, just like they'd been earlier that night. She laid her body beside him, pushing one leg between his, allowing just enough pressure to arouse him.  
  
"I was wrong, Angel. I do want you," she said while steadily undoing the buttons down the front of his shirt. "I was stupid to think anyone else could ever love me as good as you can."  
  
Once she'd finished with the buttons, she lowered her head, kissing and sucking his chest. He knew no other woman would ever drive him as wild as she did. He moaned as she probed lower with her tongue and slid toward the end of the couch sitting back on her knees.  
  
"I know what you want, Angel." Her hands gripped him through the material of his pants. He ached to be released and begged her to do so. Without hesitation, she pulled him free from the confines of his black dockers and began to stroke him.  
  
"I want you, Buffy. I love you so much." Everything around him seemed to fade to black when he felt her mouth engulf him in one quick motion. His head fell back and he tried hard not to thrust into her. He was in ecstasy. Her warm mouth was taking his entire length in and out while her tongue furiously dipped at his head. He knew deep down he was dreaming, but this seemed so real. He never wanted it to end.  
  
As she worked him faster, he reached for her hair and caressed it softly through his fingers. She was bringing him to the edge and he knew he couldn't hold on much longer. Without warning, she stopped and pushed herself back up his body, catching his lips again.  
  
"Sorry, lover. Not yet."  
  
He watched as she stood beside the couch, disposing of the clothes that were now acting as a barrier between them. When they were off, she took her position again stretched out on top of him. She rubbed her body against his, letting him feel ready she was for him.  
  
"Can I give you what you want, Angel?" she asked breathlessly in his ear.  
  
His mind raced. This dream was better than any of the countless others he'd had. He could smell her. He could taste the saltiness of her lips as she kissed him. And oh god, he could feel the heat as she sat up and slid down, impaling herself on him. She began to move , muscles tightening around him, squeezing and pulling at his skin. Hot. Hotter than he ever remembered her being. Their one forgotten day was embedded in his memory as perfect, but even that could not compare to the total ecstasy he was feeling right now. She continued to ride him hard and fast. Not the gentle love filled way his dreams usually acted out for him. He caught her eyes and saw a coldness that never would have been associated with Buffy.  
  
Something about this scenario startled him and he urged himself to wake up. Nothing. He was stuck in this dream. Lost in the passion consuming him. He was afraid. It was too real. He grabbed her by the arms and held her on top of him, not allowing her to move. Then he realized. It wasn't a dream.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked, displaying the most beautiful puppy dog eyes he'd ever seen.  
  
"What are you doing, Buffy?"  
  
"Giving us what we both want. What we both need." she answered grabbing his hands in hers.  
  
"But we can't. The curse..." he reminded her, thinking she'd completely gone insane.  
  
A simple answer was spoken. "Willow found a cure...to anchor your soul. Now we can be together."  
  
He was silent. All thoughts of passion gone as he tried to process what she'd said. "No. It's not possible. You're lying."  
  
She began laughing a ferocious laugh. A chill crept up his spine.  
  
"Maybe you'd prefer something a little wilder. Something a little more evil. like you," she stated, morphing into another form. He blinked his eyes in amazement when it was now Darla sitting on top of him. He used his strength to push her off. He jumped up and fastened his pants, while backing away from the couch.  
  
"Or maybe you'd prefer something a little more familiar," she said, morphing again and reappearing in the form of Jenny Calender. "After all, this is how we first met. You do remember, don't you, Angel?"  
  
"What do you want!" he yelled, now furious that he'd been controlled a second time by the First Evil.  
  
"Well, I wanted you... but you didn't want to play. Almost had you, too." Jenny looked him up and down seductively. "Almost had that one moment, didn't you, Angelus?"  
  
His anger boiled over and he let his demon loose. He growled a warning.  
  
"I can feel it. The evil is still inside you, begging to get out. Believe me when I say I'm far from being done with you. And when the time comes, she won't help you. She's too busy screwing her 'other' vampire to care about what happens to you." She laughed again, a little more wicked and disappeared as if she were never there.  
  
Once she was gone, everyone from upstairs came running down.  
  
Giles stared at Angel, fully vamped in front of him. "What happened?"  
  
Angel growled again. "It's war, and I just got recruited to the front line. We're gonna find a way to stop this thing. There's only one thing I have to do first."  
  
"What's that?" Giles asked, feeling the anger pouring off the vampire.  
  
"I'm gonna find Spike and kill him."  
  
TBC 


	9. Jealousy

Chapter 9  
  
Jealousy  
  
"Angel, what's going on?" Giles asked, grabbing the vampire's arm when he attempted to move past him. "Tell us what happened!"  
  
"Not now!" he growled, still in vamp mode.  
  
Feeling a little unnerved, Giles let go and stepped back. Willow and Kennedy kept their distance, watching from the safety of the stairs. An angry vampire was not one to be dealt with easily.  
  
Angel headed to the door tearing it open to reveal Spike, standing oblivious in front of him. Without warning, the larger vamp was on him. Grabbing him by the throat, he pulled him inside and in a flash had him pinned against the wall. A growl echoed as Spike brought out his demon and tried to lunge, with no luck. Trying to speak, his voice cut off by the hand around his neck, the blonde vampire struggled to break free from Angel's grasp. Feeling the grip weaken a little, he managed to sound out a word.  
  
"Angelus?" he asked, still fighting the hand that held him.  
  
"No, Spike. If that were the case you would have been dead already. I'm gonna do something Angelus would never have done." After slipping back into his human visage, he reluctantly let go and stepped back, allowing the other vampire some space.  
  
Spike instinctively let out a breath, pulling at his neck. "What's that, mate?"  
  
"I'm gonna give you a chance to explain 'before' I kill you."  
  
"Thanks for the news flash," Spike stated with a hint of sarcasm, smoothing out his rumpled coat and running a shaky hand through his hair. "So what's gotten your knickers in such a bunch, peaches?" He, too, shed his demon and went straight for a much needed marlboro.  
  
Angel grabbed the cigarette from his hand and threw it down, showing he was still in charge. "Don't push me, boy."  
  
An eyebrow arched. He knew these words well enough after spending countless years at Angel's mercy to know it wasn't a bluff. Deep down, he was aware that Angel would always have power over him. Glancing around to realize they weren't alone in the room, he gestured toward the others who were staring in shock.  
  
"Giles, take the girls and go upstairs. This is between me and Spike," Angel demanded, his eyes never leaving the blonde in front of him.  
  
Giles removed his eyeglasses and stumbled a little as he turned. "Yes, well... if you need....."  
  
"Go!" he repeated, with an underlying warning.  
  
The three figures retreated upstairs, not willing to see if the hidden threat would actually be carried out.  
  
Upon hearing the slamming of doors above them, Angel sauntered over to Spike who hadn't moved from his place against the wall. He lingered close, showing his dominance over the younger vampire.  
  
"Was there a little something you happened to not mention that I should know about?" he asked, reaching up to play with the collar on Spike's coat.  
  
Feeling like a child about to receive a lecture, Spike angrily pushed Angel away and stomped past him into the front room. "What are you playing at, mate?"  
  
"Buffy." He paused. "Need I say more?" A stake appeared from inside his pocket and he casually began twirling it through his fingers.  
  
"Buffy? What are you..."  
  
"Try to deny it, Spike. Please." He glanced at the piece of wood he held, silently challenging the other man.  
  
"Are you off your bird?! What are you yammering about?" Spike attempted to act shocked by the accusation. He needed to feel Angel out to see if he really knew anything, or if he was just fishing for information.  
  
Again, the older vampire eased his way closer to him. When he was almost in his ear, he spoke. "I would choose my words wisely. I can smell her all over you."  
  
Spike thought he felt his heart jump. Angel did know. And if he hadn't, he and Buffy's little tryst earlier left little room for denial. The seriousness of the situation hit him and suddenly the point on the stick Angel was holding seemed sharper than it had before. There was only one way out of this. He had to win. Stepping back on one foot, he swung around with the other and knocked the weapon out of Angel's hand. Angel growled, grabbed the offending leg and pushed him down to the floor with a thud.  
  
"How long have you been screwing Buffy, Spike?" His tone alone was enough to scare any normal man.  
  
"Can't see that it's any of your business, now is it, peaches?" Spike taunted, quickly recovering from the fall. This was gonna be fun.  
  
They were now standing face to face, circling one another. Each vampire ready to pounce.  
  
"Buffy will always be my business! You'd do well to remember that!" Angel jabbed and Spike threw a punch.  
  
"Buffy's a big girl! She chooses who she shags..." he motioned toward his opponent. "And who she doesn't."  
  
The comment warranted another swing, which directly connected to Spike's already injured nose. With a maddening scream, Spike attacked. Angel retaliated. The sound of punches and kicks echoed through the house, both men bloody and bruised, neither willing to give in to the other.  
  
That's how she found them when she walked in. Buffy glanced around the shattered room. Lamps and knick-knacks scattered over the floor, furniture overturned, she found the two vampires beating each other to a pulp. Two sets of yellow eyes fixed on her when she finally shouted out to get their attention.  
  
"What the hell is going on in here?!" she screamed, holding a broken picture frame in her hand.  
  
At once, both men stood at attention, like two children caught holding a cookie jar.  
  
"He started it," they both sang in unison.  
  
Buffy dropped the frame and stood stomping her foot, both hands on her hips.  
  
"You have ten seconds to answer me or I'm gonna have two piles of dust to clean up in the morning!"  
  
They stood in silence.  
  
"You think I'm joking?" she asked, eyeing the stake lying on the floor next to her.  
  
Spike spoke up. "You might wanna give your ex-honey here a little talking to. Seems to have some superiority issues."  
  
She looked toward Angel in confusion, waiting for him to explain. His eyes burned into Spike with an unspoken warning and then focused on Buffy.  
  
After a moment of silence, he bit back the anger he was feeling for both of them. "When were you gonna tell me you've been sleeping with Spike?"  
  
She was caught off guard by his question and looked toward Spike as if to accuse him.  
  
"Don't look at me, pet. 'This' cat was out of the bag before I even got here."  
  
She sighed and tried to relax the tension she felt, knowing the time had come to finally be honest with Angel about her relationship with Spike. She had to get it over with.  
  
"Spike, can you leave us alone?" she asked with pleading eyes, still red and puffy from the previous exchange they'd had earlier.  
  
"Have it your way, slayer," he answered sharply. "You might want to tell your watcher I got some information that might be useful." Storming off toward the basement, he grabbed another bottle of the first liquor he could put his hands on. Thinking to himself that he really needed to restock what he had nicked, he made his way downstairs. His feelings for Buffy were a mottled heap of jumbled emotions. There was the jealously of seeing her kissing Angel, mixed with the adrenaline of their fight. Topped with the sensation of almost shagging, and finally, feeling like he was being disregarded and pushed aside. "Yeah. Angel. Knight in shining armor, my ass," he mumbled to himself, uncapping the bottle as he situated himself on his makeshift bed. He swallowed hard and fast. This was nothing that couldn't be cured with a fair amount of brooding and a lot of alcohol. Two things he'd grown very accustomed to.  
  
When she heard the door to the basement slam shut, Buffy gestured for Angel to join her on the couch. He approached slowly and sat beside her, trying to contain his anger.  
  
"So how long, Buffy?" he repeated through gritted teeth.  
  
"It doesn't matter. Honestly Angel, it's really none of your business. You don't have any say in my life anymore."  
  
"But Spike!? How could you let him.you slept with him?" he asked, with a cringe.  
  
"There's a lot you don't know, and a lot I don't think you'd understand even if I tried to explain it to you. Hell, I don't even understand half of it myself."  
  
"That wasn't what I left for. I left so you could have something normal in your life, a normal relationship. Not so you could ruin it with another vampire!"  
  
She shook her head in astonishment. "When will you realize I'm never gonna be normal!? And it was your choice to leave, not mine. You didn't give me any options. Now you ride in here on your high horse acting like you own me?!"  
  
"I was just trying to do what I thought was best. You know that!"  
  
"That's what you keep saying. But you won't be happy about anyone I'm with! You came down here as soon as you found out about Riley. Or did you forget that little display of male testosterone?"  
  
He felt a little embarrassed at the memory. "You know I didn't show up because of him."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But it still happened." She turned and reached for his hand. "You have to let go. Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain anything about my relationships to you. I'm all grown up. And you have no right to be jealous over anyone I choose to be with."  
  
"Again, we're talking about Spike, Buffy. Vampire! Killer!..... Can you just overlook all that?" he asked, trying to plead his case.  
  
"I did with you," she answered sternly.  
  
"That was different."  
  
"You had a soul, Spike had a chip. It kept him from killing. He changed... and I don't think it was all because of the chip in his head. He changed because he wanted to. How many other vampires do you know would willingly ask for his soul back?"  
  
She had him there. He really couldn't deny that Spike had changed. He also knew that without the chip to restrain him, Spike hadn't resorted back to his old ways. Even with his soul, after almost a century, Angel was constantly battling the urge he felt to hunt and feed. The inner need for violence. He knew Spike's cravings were even more intense than his own, yet he'd managed to keep control over them.  
  
"I won't accept it," he said flatly, not willing to give in to the idea that Spike could have her when he couldn't. Even knowing Spike had changed, the jealousy he felt was unbearable.  
  
"You don't have to. It's over. Now stop throwing your little tantrum and let's concentrate on more important things than what Spike and I aren't doing!"  
  
He couldn't let it go. "That's why I smell you all over each other?! Because it's over?"  
  
"That's between Spike and me!" She sighed heavily, knowing she was getting nowhere. "I'm not gonna deny there isn't something there, Angel. Is that what you wanna hear? Cuz I really don't think you do!"  
  
"I want the truth."  
  
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Okay..." she answered as if to say 'You asked for it'. "Do you wanna hear how my life really sucked last year? How I wished I could just cease to exist? Do you wanna hear that Spike was the only one who was there for me, who could give me something that actually made me feel real? Yes! I was sleeping with Spike! Does that make you feel better?! Knowing?!" She ended her rant, tears threatening to spill, waiting for him to answer.  
  
"I had no idea," was all he said.  
  
"No, you wouldn't, would you? Because you weren't here....he was."  
  
The silence that fell was maddening until he finally broke it. "I guess you made your point." He couldn't bring himself to look at her, the anger had dissolved, leaving a sense of guilt in its place. He realized how truly far apart their lives were.  
  
"No one's the bad guy here, Angel. Things just happened. I don't know where Spike and I stand. But I don't need you getting in the middle of it making things worse."  
  
He nodded in understanding. There was only one thing left to ask. "Do you love him?"  
  
"Yes," was her simple reply.  
  
That one answer crushed his heart in an instant. Without saying a word, he rose from the couch, turned and headed for the kitchen.  
  
Buffy decided it would be best to give him some space. The last thing she'd wanted to do was hurt him. She told herself he just needed time to cool off. She was sure things would be better in the morning. At least she hoped they would. She tossed around the idea of checking on Spike, but quickly decided against it. That was another situation that needed time to cool down. Realizing there was nothing else to be done, she climbed the stairs to find Willow sitting patiently outside her bedroom door.  
  
"You heard, huh?"  
  
"Kind of hard not to... you know, with the snarling, and the growling."  
  
"Sorry. I'll tell them to be more quiet the next time they try to kill each other." Her attempt at humor was lost as her friend looked at her with saddened eyes.  
  
"Get some sleep, Buffy. You look drained. Spike and Angel will still be here in the morning."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head. "Don't remind me. I don't think I can handle another night like this." She paused. "The only thing I can't figure out is how Angel found out."  
  
Willow's eyes widened, realizing Buffy was clueless to tonight's earlier visit.  
  
"The First. It was here. With Angel."  
  
TBC 


	10. Information

Chapter 10  
  
Information  
  
Lying flat on his back, still dressed in the previous night's attire, Spike concentrated on slowly opening his eyes. His head was pounding and the taste in his mouth reeked of cigarettes and booze. Putting his hands to his temples, he instinctively began rubbing, trying to ease the self- induced pain caused by entirely too much alcohol. He stiffened when he felt another presence watching him from the other side of the room. Relaxing when he recognized the figure staring from the steps, he pushed himself up on his elbows and looked curiously in her direction.  
  
"What is it, red?" he asked, the sound of his own voice echoing loudly in his head. He groaned at his stupidity of finishing not just the first bottle, but also the second he'd snuck upstairs to steal after everyone else was asleep.  
  
She stared for a moment. "Do you know you look dead when you're asleep?"  
  
He tilted his head and gave a look that said 'duh.'  
  
"Oh, right. Never mind," she said, shaking it off. "Anyway, Buffy wanted me to check to see if you were awake. Said you needed to talk to Giles?"  
  
"Right. Be there in a minute," he answered, smoothing out his rumpled hair with his fingers. "Need to freshen up a bit first."  
  
"Good luck. Six people in this house, one bathroom. You might need to show some fang to get your turn," she joked, standing up to head back upstairs.  
  
"Hey, red! Wait a minute," he called, before she got too far.  
  
She stopped and faced him again.  
  
"I heard about Tara. Just wanted to say sorry."  
  
"How'd you hear?" she asked, a hint of sadness in her voice.  
  
"Demons talk. Filled me in on what went down last year. Heard you made quite the scare. You okay?" The sincerity in his voice showed his genuine concern for the girl standing in front of him.  
  
"Yeah. Getting there anyway. Thanks."  
  
He nodded his response. "And the other bird? Dark haired girl upstairs?" he asked, with a suggestive raise of his brow.  
  
"That's Kennedy," she answered with a smile. "She's a potential future slayer." She looked down as the smile left her. "Actually, she's the only one left. There were more, but none of them made it. They weren't ready. Kennedy is the only one who had any kind of formal training. Buffy blames herself for not being able to protect them. That's the reason she finally called Angel. She knew she couldn't do this by herself."  
  
He felt the ache in his heart for what his slayer must be going through, the guilt she must be feeling, but then shrugged it off. He reminded himself that he was still angry with her for feeling like she had dismissed him for Angel.  
  
"Tell the watcher I'll be right there."  
  
She nodded and went back upstairs.  
  
His mind and heart were wagering a war inside of him. His heart was telling him to go to Buffy and let her know he still loved her and wanted her as much as he ever did. His mind was yelling to let go, get as far away from her as he could before she had the chance to hurt him again. She'd been so willing for his touch last night. It had taken all his strength not to give in, knowing they'd hate each other for it afterward. But what did she really want from him? Was it really about him like she had claimed? Or was he right to feel jealous of Angel? All he wanted was what the other vampire had already experienced. Buffy had loved him openly with all her heart and soul. He stood and sighed deeply knowing he was about to face them both.  
  
Rather than fight for the bathroom, he changed quickly into another pair of jeans, and pulled a clean tee shirt on as he headed up the stairs. Shutting the basement door behind him, he stepped into the kitchen.  
  
Pulling a bag of blood from the refrigerator, he poured it into a cup and threw it into the microwave. Watching the mug spinning around, without turning, he slowly spoke. "Come to finish it then?"  
  
"I want you to stay away from Buffy."  
  
He took the heated mug and downed it quickly, placing the empty cup in the sink. He then turned to Angel. "I don't recall asking for your permission."  
  
"You don't deserve her, and you know it. I know you, Spike. She doesn't."  
  
Spike approached him, stopping just inches from his face. "Piss off!" he demanded.  
  
He ignored the low growl that emanated from the other vampire and pushed his way around him. He was through letting Angel think he had all the control. He moved down the hall into the living room where he found the others already seated, waiting. He purposely avoided Buffy's gaze and took a seat in a chair across the room from her.  
  
He made eye contact with Giles and could almost see the wheels spinning in the watcher's head. "Rupert." He nodded a greeting.  
  
"Yes...um, Buffy tells us you might have information?"  
  
"I do. Ran into a bloke last night, right ugly bugger. Struck up a conversation. You know this Big Bad you're dealing with has the whole demon community in an uproar? They're all scared as hell."  
  
He tried to ignore Angel as he entered the room and stood, leaning against the wall.  
  
"What are they afraid of?" Buffy asked, catching his eye for a moment.  
  
"Don't know really. Wouldn't say. But he did mention this oracle of some kind. Claims he can see things. Prophecies and such about The First. Seems some demons have started looking for a way to stop this thing too." He pulled out a much needed cigarette and lit it, not caring about the 'no smoking' rule in the house.  
  
"So about this oracle. Where can we find it?" Giles asked, removing his eyeglasses to wipe them.  
  
"Don't know that either. Got his name. That's about all I can tell you," he answered, standing up to hand a piece of paper to the other man. "I'd suggest you use some of your books to see what you can suss out."  
  
"I'll do that." He turned toward Angel, still a little intimidated by the scene they'd witnessed the night before. "Maybe you could call Wesley and see what he might know."  
  
"Good idea. I need to let them know what's going on anyway."  
  
"Angel? If I might ask, we really need to know what happened last night. I assume you had a visit from The First?"  
  
He glanced Buffy's way and spoke. "Yes. Only I thought it was Buffy." He looked back at Giles. "I thought it could only take the form of someone who's dead."  
  
"Yes, well technically, Buffy did die. I guess different rules apply to her," he answered, with a shrug of his shoulders.  
  
"Yey me," she said, sarcastically. "Never normal Buffy." Her eyes gave Angel a knowing look.  
  
Giles continued. "So what happened?"  
  
"I thought it was real. I had no idea. I think its main agenda was to try to bring Angelus back."  
  
Willow sat with a look of confusion on her face. "But how would it be able to..." She saw the pained look in Angel's eyes and stopped. "Oh."  
  
"I figured it out in time, but it almost had me. It's very convincing."  
  
"We've all seen it. In one form or another," Buffy replied, her eyes darting from Angel to Spike.  
  
"Well we've gotta stop it. Let's see if we can find this oracle. Sounds like a good lead," Giles spoke, glancing appreciatively toward Spike.  
  
"Looks like another research night," Buffy answered. "I'll get the coffee." She eased herself up from her chair and disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
"I'll get the books," Willow added, standing to grab a few volumes off the shelf behind her. She began passing them out to Giles and Kennedy.  
  
Angel started up the stairs, much to Spike's relief. "I'll call Wesley. See what he knows."  
  
Within minutes, everyone was occupied with his or her allotted responsibilities. Spike figured now would be a good time to make his way upstairs to the shower. Carefully, making sure to avoid Angel, he quietly moved to the bathroom. Stopping in front of the door, he willed himself to enter.  
  
"Just a room," he told himself. He grasped the knob and turned, stepping inside. He glanced around. The entire bathroom had been redecorated, changing the whole setting of how he remembered it. He silently thanked whoever was responsible, even though he knew it had been Buffy's doing. He wondered if it was her way of trying to rid herself of the memories. Maybe she had been able to move passed it. Maybe it was time for him to finally do the same.  
  
After a quick shower, he rummaged through the drawers until he found the other necessities he needed. Finding a little hair gel and a lot of Listerine, he was ready to face the challenge at hand. Research with the scoobies.  
  
He opened the door and jumped back when he saw Buffy standing in front of him. "Bloody hell! Can't give someone a little warning, slayer?"  
  
"Sorry. I was just coming to... I was looking for you."  
  
"Well you could have whistled....or hummed... something."  
  
"Spike, we need to talk."  
  
"That hasn't really been working out to well for us, slayer. Maybe we shouldn't," he said, trying to move passed her.  
  
She grabbed his arm and pulled him to face her. "Would you just stop it with the cold and heartless act for a minute!?"  
  
"It's what I am, right? Cold and heartless?" he answered with glaring eyes. "As a matter of fact, this is right fitting since we're here at the scene of the crime."  
  
"Let it go, Spike!" she yelled, showing her frustration. "I have and it's over! It was over a long time ago. Forgotten."  
  
"Maybe for you," he replied, a little more softly.  
  
"I forgave you. That's all that should matter. Why isn't that enough for you?"  
  
"Because I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve anyone's forgiveness." He pulled his arm away when he realized she still had a hold on him.  
  
"You're so wrong, Spike. It's time you start realizing that. Now do you think we can have a civilized conversation and forgo the usual accusations and name-calling?"  
  
"Depends on what you wanna talk about," he answered with a sigh.  
  
She smiled. "Thank you."  
  
"So talk."  
  
"Not here. Let's go somewhere else."  
  
He raised an eyebrow in question. "Umm... it's daytime, pet. Not in a bursting into flames kinda mood right now."  
  
"Never stopped you before. C'mon, we can use the tunnels."  
  
"Sure that's wise considering the Big Bad lurking around?"  
  
"You'll be fine. I'll protect you," she answered.  
  
He rolled his eyes and shook his head while giving her his trademark smirk. She walked down the hall to the linen closet and pulled out a blanket.  
  
"Here, take this. I'm gonna go make up an excuse to get us out of here. Wasn't to excited about the whole research scenario anyway."  
  
He nodded, taking the blanket she was offering.  
  
"Meet me out front," she called, almost from the bottom of the stairs already.  
  
Forgetting his earlier anger, he smiled. Maybe they could get this whole mess cleared up, if that was even possible. He headed down after her and went outside to wait.  
TBC 


	11. Friends

Chapter 11  
  
Friends  
  
They made their way quickly through the tunnels, silently anticipating what would be said between them. Buffy took the lead and concentrated on mapping the way to where she was taking him. When she was confident she knew where they were, she climbed a short ladder and pushed open the manhole covering. Glad to have been right, it would only take a few seconds for Spike to make a mad dash into the Bronze.  
  
Once inside, she pointed toward a small table in the corner, sitting beside the stairs to the catwalk. They fought their way through the crowd and sat down.  
  
"Care for anything? A drink? Some of those Buffalo wings you like?" she asked.  
  
"Beer's fine," he answered, thinking a little 'hair of the dog' might do him some good.  
  
She nodded and stood up. "I'll be right back."  
  
He watched her walk away, staring at the way her hips twitched, and her body swayed as she walked. He tried to look away but felt compelled to stare. Talking to the bartender, a little toss of her hair, a gentle tilt of her head, every movement brought back the memories of why he'd fallen in love with her. She was back in her chair trying to gain his attention before he realized he'd been daydreaming.  
  
After handing him a bottle, she opened her own and took a sip. She noticed the curious look on his face and explained. "Just needed to relax a bit. Things have been pretty intense around here."  
  
"Seems so."  
  
They sat in silence, feeling a little uneasy, staring everywhere but at each other.  
  
His eyes darted toward her when she finally spoke. "So, how did you get your soul?"  
  
He raised his scarred eyebrow slightly. "That's why you brought me here?"  
  
"I was just wondering....curious." She began fiddling with the label on her bottle of beer. "Is it a curse?"  
  
He gave her an incredulous look and shook his head. "No it's not a bloody curse! Fought for it, won it, fair and square!"  
  
"I just didn't know you could...."  
  
"Not something that's advertised, pet. They don't just hand 'em out at the door," he said, with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
She looked up, trying to read the expression on his face. "Was it hard?"  
  
He looked away. "Not any harder than being in love with you," he answered, almost to himself.  
  
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then found the courage to ask, "Are you?"  
  
He turned back around and met her gaze. When it appeared that he wasn't going to answer, she asked again. "Do you still love me, Spike?"  
  
He wasn't sure what to say. How to answer without pouring his heart out to her. He wanted to tell her she was all he thought about, all he dreamt about. But the words wouldn't come.  
  
"I don't know what I feel for you, Buffy."  
  
She sighed. She was having a hard time believing this was the same man who, just a year ago, followed her around constantly expressing his undying love for her. She needed to find a way to fix things between them.  
  
"I missed you. I guess I was just so used to having you around....I never actually thought about what it would be like without you here."  
  
"I left because I had to. After that night. things had to change. You don't know how close you came, Buffy. If you hadn't stopped me......"  
  
"I know, Spike. But I did." She took another drink. "We were both wrong. I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I'm sorry I never trusted you. I'm just glad you came back for me to at least tell you that. I was just angry. Especially after seeing you... with Anya."  
  
"I never meant... It didn't mean anything," he answered, feeling the guilt building up inside him.  
  
"I get that now. At the time, I just wanted the hurt to go away. I wanted 'you' to go away. Thought that would make everything better." She felt tears forming and willed them away. "I didn't think it would be so hard."  
  
He glanced at her, seeing the hidden tears. "Love always is, pet. If you could have just admitted it then, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. Now it's just made things more complicated."  
  
"Look, I didn't bring you here to drudge up all the old stuff, or to make either one of us feel bad. I just wanted to say I was sorry. For the way I treated you. I thought I owed you that much."  
  
He didn't have to say thank you. His eyes told her how much her apology meant to him. "'S okay, pet. Don't need to do that. Was a long time ago."  
  
Slience fell between them. Somehow, both knew an unspoken decision had been made. There was so much between them, hurt and pain, they knew they could never go back. As much as they both longed for it, neither could deny that what they shared had not been good for either of them.  
  
"Things 'have' changed, huh?" She wanted to bring up the information she'd gotten from Angel, but didn't know how to approach it. Deciding there was no other way, she figured blunt and to the point would work.  
  
"So, you got a soul, moved to L.A. with Angel, whom you hate, which by the way, I don't understand at all," she added, as an afterthought. "And he tells me you've met someone." She stared intently at him, waiting for an expression. Waiting for him to say that Angel had been wrong and that there could never be anyone else.  
  
"That pretty much sums it up," he said casually.  
  
Her heart jumped. He hadn't denied it. Why hadn't he told her she was wrong? Angel had to have been mistaken! 'Spike's mine!' she inwardly screamed.  
  
He looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes. If he had, she would have seen the sorrow buried in his. "I have met someone, Buffy."  
  
"Oh." The tremble in her voice did nothing to hide her disappointment.  
  
He picked up his mug and downed the rest of his beer, placing it back on the table. "I'm sorry, luv. Just figured it was time for me to move on. Never planned on coming back to this bloody place."  
  
"Or to me," she stated, almost in a whisper.  
  
"Well, pet, wasn't expecting a welcome home party when I showed up. I more expected a dusty ending."  
  
She smiled slightly. "Maybe Xander, if he'd been there. He's gonna go berserk with you 'and' Angel in the house."  
  
"How 'is' the whelp?"  
  
"He's. well, he's Xander. He and Anya finally made up. No wedding bells in the near future, but they're good," she answered, glad to be on a different subject.  
  
"Glad to hear it. She deserves to be happy." He shrugged. " Even if it is with him."  
  
They sat silently again, both lost in their own thoughts. Buffy bit her lip and asked the question plaguing her. "Is it serious?"  
  
Spike was lost at the sudden change of subject. "Is what serious?"  
  
"This person. The one you met." She was trying hard not to show her jealousy, but knew she was failing miserably.  
  
"Don't know. Haven't known her that long."  
  
"So you haven't...." She stopped short, hoping he would understand what she was asking without having to actually say it.  
  
"Well, slayer, not that it's really any concern of yours, but we..."  
  
She interrupted. "That's okay, Spike. It's none of my business. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."  
  
"Buffy," he said with a sigh, "I haven't been with anyone since you. Things, with her. I don't know where they're gonna lead. But no, we haven't...." With a wiggle of his brows, she'd gotten the answer she was hoping to hear.  
  
"Thank you. That helps... a little."  
  
Spike leaned back in his chair, lighting a cigarette, blowing out the excess smoke above him. "We should head back, slayer. Should be about dark now."  
  
"Yeah. Guess we should find out if they've found anything. But Spike, could you do me one little favor?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Try to get along with Angel. I don't need you at each other's throats. We have enough to worry about without the male pissing contest going on between the two of you."  
  
"Sorry, luv. Should be giving this speech to him. It's his problem, not mine," he said, classic Spike smirk curling on his lips again.  
  
"I don't think he really liked the whole 'Buffy with another vampire' idea. Especially with you."  
  
"Yeah, I kinda got that," he said, pointing toward the bruise over his eye, not completely healed.  
  
"Last night, I wasn't trying to make you go away. I just needed to talk to him. Thought he'd listen more if you weren't there."  
  
"Don't think that worked out too well. Won't be turnin' my back on him anytime soon."  
  
"It'll get better. Once he realized things really are over between us," she said, her heart doing a flip flop at having to speak the words out loud.  
  
He nodded and stood up, reaching his hand out to her. "Guess we'll head out then?"  
  
She hesitated and then let him pull her up. Their hands lingered, joined for a moment, before letting go. Both feeling the loss, they quickly regained the acceptance that this was the way it had to be. They left the Bronze, former lovers turned friends, knowing in their hearts they would always be more.  
  
TBC 


	12. Wanting

Chapter 12  
  
Wanting  
  
Buffy and Spike left the Bronze just as the sun began to set. They'd decided to take the long way around, to patrol through a couple of graveyards before finally heading home. Inwardly, they were both enjoying just being in one another's company, although neither of them would speak it out loud.  
  
Spike was lost in thought, contemplating their conversation at the Bronze. She'd actually been jealous at the thought that he could be interested in someone else. And the fact that she wasn't hiding her discomfort was even more surprising to him. After being used to the old, 'non-emotional, keep things inside for no one else to see' Buffy, it was clear how much she had changed in the past year. He felt a pang of regret. If she had been willing to show half of these feelings before he'd left, things no doubt would have been completely different between them.  
  
He was still lost in his own world when the sound of Buffy's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Um, Spike? I think we have company."  
  
He stopped and scanned the area around them. "Mmmm. Seven to two. Like those odds, pet," he said, staring at the several vampires that had gathered around them. He quickly dropped into a fighting stance.  
  
"Just like old times?" she asked, backing against him until their backsides were almost touching.  
  
"Let's do it then!" Spike shifted into game face and lunged as two of the vamps came at him full force.  
  
"What the...." The fledgling vampire didn't have time to finish his question before the stake, which was previously in Spike's coat, found his chest.  
  
This caught the second one off-guard and Spike managed to throw him to the ground, without effort, when he tried to run at him.  
  
"Oh, come on. a little challenge here, mate. 'S not even fun," Spike complained, pulling him up just to kick him down again.  
  
"Uh... Spike! I could......(Punch)...use a little... (kick)... help over here!"  
  
He turned to see Buffy fighting off four vampires, having staked only one so far. He faced his opponent. "Sorry, no time for you, mate." The wood was quickly plunged into the vampire's dead heart.  
  
"I got your back, slayer!" Spike was there in an instant, growling a warning at the young vamps stupid enough to mess with his girl. 'His girl?' he thought. 'Did he really just think that?' He shook it off. Two were dust and he had another by the throat before she could even react.  
  
"Okay, Spike. You have to at least make it look like I'm doing my job," she joked, turning to him just as he wiped the dust off his hands from his last victim. Too preoccupied watching him, she missed the roundhouse kick from the last vampire that sent her sprawling into a headstone, landing flat on her back.  
  
"Oh no you didn't!" she yelled, attempting to rise, but stopping when she felt a searing pain in her lower back. The vamp was on her before she could get up. She reached for her stake and got caught in a cloud of dust, coughing wildly, as Spike appeared standing over her.  
  
"That was pretty pathetic," he said, kneeling down beside her, unaware that she was injured. "I remember you kicking my ass a lot easier than that," he smirked.  
  
"Shut up, Spike!" she demanded, in a teasing manner, pushing him down on the ground. She groaned when she twisted her body the wrong way.  
  
His eyebrow arched. "Are you all right, slayer?" he asked, with concern, moving back toward her. He leaned down, trying to determine what was causing her pain.  
  
"Yeah. Just hit my back on that stone over there," she answered, pointing toward the gravestone beside her. "I'll be fine tomorrow. You know, slayer healing and all." She pushed herself up on her arms and felt his hand sliding behind her.  
  
"Where's it hurt?" he asked softly, gently rubbing her lower back with his fingers.  
  
She tensed at his touch and then relaxed into the feel of his hand massaging her. Her body was enjoying it entirely too much.  
  
"Just my lower back. I'm fine. Really!" She tried to get up, afraid of being this close to him, and then sat back down when she realized she would need his help to stand. They were now inches apart and the urge to kiss him was overwhelming.  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked, gazing into her eyes, trying to decipher what she was thinking.  
  
She didn't answer. Instead she lost her inner fight and curled her hand around the back of his neck, pulling him to her lips. Surprised, Spike stared in disbelief and then found himself lost in the feel of her. He closed his eyes and deepened the kiss between them. His free hand found the side of her face and rubbed tenderly up and down her cheek.  
  
Her hands became frantic, grabbing at him until she managed to finally pull him on top of her. He eased her back onto the ground, his hand cradling her head, his body lying halfway on top of hers. In all the movement, their lips never parted. They lay together, desperately clinging to any flesh they could grab. Buffy pushed his duster aside and snaked her hands down his back, under the waste band of his jeans, trying to pull his body closer to hers.  
  
Finally, Spike pulled away to allow her a breath. He stared deeply into her.  
  
"We can't do this," he whispered. "It's just left over tension built up from the fight."  
  
She closed her eyes in frustration. "I know," she replied, pulling her hands away.  
  
"We'll only end up hurting each other."  
  
"I know," she answered again.  
  
"We're at a good place, Buffy. Let's not ruin it by making a stupid mistake. I get this close to you, and it's hard to stop." He sat up, sighing deeply. "Then again, this...," he pointed back and forth between them. "Was never our problem. Was about the only bloody thing we ever did right together."  
  
She smiled as the many memories of their 'time' together flooded her head. He noticed the grin and knew exactly what she was thinking.  
  
"I see you finally agree with me on something. That's a first." He sat back, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket, bringing it to his lips. After lighting it, he inhaled deeply, and let it out, watching the smoke whither away.  
  
"Think you can walk?"  
  
"Yeah. Feeling better already," she answered, sitting up, gritting her teeth at the pain.  
  
He flicked his unfinished butt aside and put his arms around her to help pull her up. Leaning on him for support, they walked out of the graveyard and down the street, heading to Revello drive. Just as the house came into view, Buffy quickly came to a halt.  
  
"What is it, pet?" he asked, confused at why she had stopped.  
  
"Something's not right." She stood up on her own, ignoring the ache in her back, and stood circling, searching for the cause of her alarm. It didn't take long to find.  
  
"Spike...run!" she screamed, taking off toward the house.  
  
He turned to look behind them, finding the object of her fear, and quickly sprinted after her.  
  
"What the hell is that?!" he yelled, catching up with lightning speed.  
  
They reached the porch and quickly and made their way inside, slamming the door behind them. Buffy leaned against it, out of breath, her back burning with pain. "That was one of the ubervamps," she answered, when her breathing calmed enough to speak.  
  
"Nasty looking bugger. He didn't look so tough, I could have taken him," Spike replied, pushing the curtain in the window aside, eyeing the dark street. "Looks like he's gone."  
  
"They may not look it, but they're stronger than you and I combined. We need to have a plan if we're gonna try to fight one of these things." He nodded and turned around. Buffy and Spike looked up to find Giles and Angel staring at them.  
  
"We had some major vampire slayage going on, Giles." Buffy explained, immediately feeling bad that they had been gone so long. "And we had a visitor waiting for us when we got here. One of the First's sidekicks made his presence known."  
  
"Are you alright, Buffy? We were worried. You said you'd be back before dark," he said, the panic sounding in his voice.  
  
"I'm fine, guys. And I had Spike there to back me up," she added, catching the scowl she was receiving from Angel.  
  
"You're here!" Willow stated, walking from the kitchen. "We thought we heard the door!"  
  
Spike's eyes widened when he saw Kitara enter the room, following behind Willow and Kennedy. He took a step forward and stopped. She quickly headed toward him, reaching her arms underneath his duster, tightening them around his body.  
  
"I had to be here. I was worried. Cordelia gave me directions. I hope you don't mind," she said, reaching up to grab a quick kiss.  
  
He felt Buffy's eyes, almost as if they were burning straight through him.  
  
"Of course not, luv. I guess you've met everyone then?" he asked, pulling away, feeling uncomfortable at her closeness, with Buffy standing right behind him. She took his hand in hers.  
  
"Not everyone," she answered, focusing her attention on Buffy. "You must be the slayer," she said, letting go of Spike's hand to reach for the other woman's.  
  
Buffy ignored her attempts for a friendly greeting, giving her the once over. "The name's Buffy. And you are?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I figured Spike would have told you about me," she said, glancing at the blonde vampire beside her. "I'm Kitara." A sly smile slowly crossed her lips.  
  
"Nope, name doesn't ring a bell. Sorry." Buffy glanced around the room, watching everyone's surprised reactions to her treatment of their unexpected guest. "If you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go soak in a hot tub." She looked toward Spike, her face bright red with jealousy, and then turned to go up the stairs. He was too busy watching Buffy walking away to notice the gloating smile appear on Kitara's face.  
  
Buffy grabbed a robe from the hook on her bedroom door and headed off to the bathroom. She turned the water on in the tub, and quickly undressed. Sliding down into the steaming bath, she covered her face with her hands and let the tears go.  
  
TBC 


	13. Prophecy

Chapter 13  
  
Prophecy  
  
Giles and Angel were patiently waiting for Buffy to reemerge downstairs. Within an hour of his call to Wesley, the other ex-watcher had found the information they needed to locate the oracle Spike had spoken of.  
  
Silence blanketed the room, everyone fidgeting, trying to keep themselves occupied while waiting. Spike took Kitara's hand and nodded toward the kitchen. She followed, happy to have a chance to be alone with him. Once inside, her smile faded when she saw the expression of annoyance on his face.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked, concern plaguing her voice.  
  
"Nothing, luv. Just wasn't expecting to see you. Bit surprised is all."  
  
"You don't mind, do you?" She pushed her arms around his waist, her tone sweet and seductive.  
  
"It's just dangerous. Bad things 'round here. You should have stayed in L.A. where it's safe."  
  
"I can handle myself. Besides, I have you to protect me." She smiled and reached up to brush a strand of curled hair away from his face. His motions were showing no sign of the affection they had exchanged before he'd left, just the day before, and it was visibly upsetting her. She stepped back.  
  
"It's Buffy, isn't it?" she asked, a frown falling over her features.  
  
He bit his lip, contemplating what to say without hurting her feelings. Moving away, he turned in silence toward the refrigerator, opening it to grab a bag of blood. Pulling a mug from the strainer in the sink, he attempted to open the bag when he felt her move behind him. Her hands wrapped around, grabbing the contents in his hands, forcing him to stop what he was doing. He gripped the counter and sighed deeply.  
  
"I knew this was gonna be hard on you, Spike. Being around her."  
  
He stood still, jaw clenched, head down, not sure of what to say. She placed her hand on his arm and pulled him around to face her.  
  
"You need to remember why you left here in the first place. You said it yourself, she treated you like dirt. Do you really want to put yourself through that again?"  
  
"I know, luv. But you don't understand."  
  
"Explain it to me then," she answered, crossing her arms in front of her.  
  
He leaned back against the sink, placing his hands in the pockets of his coat.  
  
"She's everything, Kit. She's the reason for my existence. The reason I'm still here." He took a short pause and then continued. "After the chip, I wasn't anything but a useless, dead shell. She became the thing in this world that gave me purpose. Made me want to live. I owe it to her to be here. She needs me."  
  
"She has plenty of people to help her. She doesn't need you. She's manipulating you because you let her. She'll use you until you've served your purpose, and then she'll throw you away. Just like she did before."  
  
"Kit..." He tried to stop her from going further. He didn't want to admit that what she was saying had struck a nerve.  
  
"No," she interrupted. "I'm not gonna let her hurt you again. I care about you and I've seen the pain she caused."  
  
"It's alright, luv. It's over between us. We both know it. I'm just here because she needs... because 'they' need all the help they can get right now."  
  
She moved in closer, pushing herself up against him, running her fingers down his chest.  
  
"Where does that leave us? I thought we were off to a pretty good start back in L.A." She casually lifted her eyes to his, waiting for a reply.  
  
It hit him that this was the moment he was waiting for. The moment he needed to be pushed into making a decision once and for all. No more slip- ups, no more letting his heart fool him that he and Buffy would ever have a chance. He reached up suddenly and caught her hands in his.  
  
"It leaves us right where we left off, pet. Nothing's changed." His head tilted and his lips met hers with a gentle force.  
  
He pushed the images of Buffy aside that were forcing their way in. The images of her writhing beneath him, desperate kisses between them, as they lay entwined in the deserted graveyard. 'No more thinking of her,' he challenged himself. He knew he was attempting to convince his heart that this was what he really wanted. He did have feelings for Kitara. They may not have included the passion and fire he felt for Buffy, but she was obtainable. In his mind, Buffy was not.  
  
Their kiss ended abruptly when they heard a ruckus coming from the other room. Spike instinctively pulled her behind him, and headed back to where the others were. He entered, immediately gaining the attention of Xander, who had just come through the front door with Anya.  
  
Xander's eyes burned into him, cold and unfeeling. "What are 'you' doing here?"  
  
"He's here to help," Buffy stated, appearing at the top of the steps, fresh from her bath. She made her way downstairs and stood next to her friend, silently challenging him to argue.  
  
"We don't need his help," he groaned, his eyes still focused on the blonde vampire.  
  
"Xander, that's enough!" she shouted, pulling him into the hallway away from the others.  
  
They began to speak in a hushed tone. "Are you nuts? Why would you even let him in here?"  
  
"We need him. That's all you need to know. Now if you have a problem with it, there's the door," she said, pointing in the direction from which he'd arrived.  
  
"Now you're choosing him over your friends?"  
  
Her voice was strong and determined. "I'm not choosing anyone. We need help, Xander. And I'm not gonna turn away anyone that offers."  
  
"I swear if he lays one hand on you..."  
  
"He won't. Now, are you going to come in here and act civilized or do I have to use force?" she asked mockingly, trying to ease the tension.  
  
He glanced at her and with a roll of his eyes stepped back into the living room, with Buffy following behind him.  
  
"Now that we got that straightened out, how was Dawn? Did she seem to be okay there?" she asked, looking toward Anya for an answer.  
  
"She was fine. She's safe."  
  
"Good. Now, I need to say something." She directed her attention to everyone present, her stance tall and confident. "This thing is gonna be tough. We've seen how it works. It's going to try to pull us apart to make us weaker. We can't let it." Her eyes turned toward Angel and rested on him. "I don't want anymore macho bullshit, no more shows of testosterone," eyes darting to Spike, " no more fighting between any of us. We need to pull together if we have any chance of winning."  
  
Spike smiled. This was the 'take charge' Buffy he'd grown to love. This was the inner strength he'd come to expect from her.  
  
Giles was the first to agree. "Buffy's right. We do need to work together."  
  
She nodded. "Did we find out anything about the oracle Spike mentioned?"  
  
"Yes. Wesley had information." Angel answered, from his seat across the room.  
  
"It seems this oracle is in another dimension. There's a portal. I was hoping Willow could help with opening a doorway," Giles said, looking her way. "It's gonna take some power, and frankly, I think you're the only one who can do it."  
  
"Oh... of course. But whose gonna go through it?"  
  
"I am," He answered bluntly. "I think I'll be better equipped to translate any cryptic messages we might receive." He stared around the room, waiting for any argument. When no one spoke up, he stood and made his way toward Willow.  
  
"Alright then. I say we get this done. The sooner we discover anything, the better off we'll be."  
  
"Are you sure this is okay?" Buffy asked, with concern. "I mean. another dimension. Giles, you have no idea what might be waiting there for you."  
  
"We have to do it. It's the first solid thing we have to go on." He turned back toward Willow, handing her a notebook he'd been holding onto. "Wesley translated it. Latin of course."  
  
She nodded and took the book from him. He positioned himself in the middle of the room and took a deep breath when she began chanting the words. Barely a minute went by when a bright light emerged before him. He glanced around, taking in the sight of his surroundings as if it would be the last time he'd have the chance to do so. He took a step and was engulfed in the light, before disappearing entirely out of sight.  
  
They stood in amazement as his body stepped through the portal to nothingness. The tension was high, and no one spoke a word. They had no idea what to expect or how long he would be gone. All eyes turned on Spike when he unconsciously began whistling to pass the time.  
  
"Uh, sorry." He reached in his pocket, fishing for his smokes, but stopped when the ball of energy light reappeared in front of them.  
  
Giles stepped out, standing in the same place as when he left. Buffy rushed to him, wrapping herself around him, causing some discomfort to the watcher. "Uh... Buffy... you can let go now. Anytime..." he mumbled, trying to break loose from her grip.  
  
"Sorry. Sorry. Just glad you're back. Giles, that was just creepy," she responded, pulling away from him.  
  
"Yes...well..."  
  
"Did it work? You were only gone a couple of minutes."  
  
He looked down toward his wrist where his watch sat. "I assure you it was quite a bit longer. Now... I guess we have some things to sort through."  
  
Everyone in the room gathered closer as he took a seat on the sofa, taking his glasses off one handed, holding them in his lap.  
  
"It 'is' a prophecy."  
  
"That's never good," Buffy stated, cringing at his words.  
  
"Well, no. I suppose not. But it's something to go on anyway. There's a book. We'll need to locate it. Angel," he said, looking toward the vampire, "I'm afraid you'll need to call Wesley again. I'm sure he'll have to help with translation."  
  
Angel nodded his reply.  
  
"Did he say anything that'll help before we find this book?" Buffy asked, not hiding her impatience.  
  
"Yes, in fact. It seems there's two major key players. You, Buffy, being the slayer. And Angel, a souled vampire." He looked back and forth between them. "At least that much was easy to figure out."  
  
Buffy looked a little sheepish and cleared her throat. "Maybe not," she spoke hesitantly.  
  
Giles looked at her in question.  
  
Her eyes sought Spike out and caught the bewildered look on his face. She waited for him to speak up, but took the lead when he remained silent.  
  
"Giles....it might not be that easy."  
  
His confusion shown on his face. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well.....it might not be Angel. It could be Spike."  
  
The silence that fell over the room was almost deafening. Everyone turned to him at the same time.  
  
"He has a soul."  
  
TBC 


	14. Purpose

Chapter 14  
  
Purpose  
  
Once the initial gasps and sighs dissipated, Giles focused his attention on the blonde vampire.  
  
"Well, I can see how that could prove to add some confusion to the meaning of the prophecy." His hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Spike, why didn't you say anything sooner?"  
  
"Didn't figure it mattered much. Not like what you're talking about."  
  
"Yes, well....it seems it might matter more than you realize."  
  
"Giles...how are we supposed to figure this out? Where are we supposed to look for this book?" Buffy asked, taking a seat beside Giles, on the sofa.  
  
"I suggest we start with contacts. People who may have access to any ancient artifacts....books, scrolls, anything at all. Angel, you put in a call to Wesley," he directed. "Willow, you and Kennedy go online, search libraries, places of mysticism, anywhere you can think of. It's supposedly ancient. Centuries old. May be a single text, or part of a set. We can't be sure. The oracle wasn't very specific."  
  
"How are we supposed to find it if we don't even know what we're looking for?" Willow asked, frustration showing on her face.  
  
"I don't know. Ask by content. If anyone knows anything about The First, they may be able to point us in the right direction."  
  
"Giles, you don't think he was sending you on a wild goose chase, do you? What if we're going to all this trouble, just to keep us occupied, until The First makes another move?" Buffy suggested. "We don't really know who we can trust."  
  
"That is a possibility. But we can't just sit around waiting to see what happens next. Now, I have some contacts in England, so I'll start there."  
  
"Okay," Xander interrupted, "Looks like it's gonna be another long night. Anya and I should make a food run, get everyone something to eat."  
  
"Good idea," Buffy answered. "Why don't you take Kitara with you. Spike and I should train. We need to pull our strengths together and work on a way to get rid of these vamps." She eyed Spike hopefully, afraid he'd be apposed to the idea. She felt relieved when he didn't speak up to complain.  
  
"I think I should stay," Kitara spoke up, purposely gripping Spike's hand in her own.  
  
"You'll be in the way," Buffy answered, not showing any politeness in her voice. "Besides, I think your being here would just be a distraction."  
  
Buffy just wasn't sure who would be more distracted, her or Spike. Being subjected to the hand holding alone was causing her blood to boil. She really didn't like the thought of anyone else being that close to him.  
  
"It's okay, pet. Go on. Buffy's right," Spike said, turning toward the other woman.  
  
"Are you sure? Cuz I can...."  
  
"Yeah. You should go. I'll see you later." Although feeling a bit uncomfortable with Buffy sitting there, he reached over to kiss Kitara gently on the lips. If he was truly going to move on, he had to put all thoughts of Buffy out of his mind, and concentrate on the girl in front of him.  
  
He turned back around just in time to see green eyes glaring at him, just before Buffy looked away, knowing she'd been caught.  
  
"Let's go before it gets too late," Xander said, heading toward the door. The two girls followed him and disappeared outside, much to Buffy's relief.  
  
Everyone else went their separate directions, leaving Buffy, Giles and Spike alone in the livingroom.  
  
"We should head downstairs," she said. She was speaking to Spike, but couldn't force herself to look at him. She was angry with him for flaunting his new 'girl' in front of her, but angrier with herself for pushing him away in the first place.  
  
"Buffy, you go on down. I'd like to speak to Spike for a moment alone if you don't mind," Giles stated, placing his glasses back on his face.  
  
Spike looked at the man with curiosity as Buffy nodded and stood up to leave.  
  
"I'll be in the basement." She announced, still afraid to meet his eyes.  
  
After she was out of sight, Spike turned his attention toward Giles, waiting for him to say something. They remained in silence for a moment, giving him the chance to light up a cigarette. He leaned against the wall, one leg bent at the knee, free hand looped loosely around his belt.  
  
After exhaling and watching the smoke linger above him, he grew impatient. "Well, what is it then?"  
  
"Sorry," Giles said, hesitantly, "I'm just...this is rather extraordinary. I'm not sure of what to say. You have a soul."  
  
Spike continued to smoke and glanced down at the floor. "Old news to me, mate. Been a year since I got the bloody thing."  
  
Giles watched him, amazement taking over his features. "A year?"  
  
He nodded. "Feels more like a lifetime."  
  
"You seem to be handling it well." He paused in thought. "How did you.what happened?"  
  
"You mean, how did I get it?"  
  
"Yes. I don't suppose it's a curse, like Angel's."  
  
He shook his head in frustration. "No," he answered, sternly. "It was 'my' choice. Something I asked for."  
  
"You realize this is unprecedented, right? Angel, of course, but not by his own free will. What would make you want to do something so drastic?"  
  
Spike narrowed his eyes on the other man, amazed he would even have to ask. Without much hint, other than the expression on Spike's face, Giles understood.  
  
"You did it for Buffy," Giles spoke, more as a statement than a question.  
  
Spike made no move to reply. He shrugged his shoulders and leaned his head back against the wall.  
  
"Spike, do you remember a conversation we had, well, some years ago? When you first received your chip, I asked if you felt you might have some higher purpose. Some other reason for being here."  
  
He shrugged again. "Bit foggy, but I recall you might have mentioned something like that. Didn't pay you much attention though, if memory serves, I was a little preoccupied with the stack of cash you'd just handed me." Spike smirked, recalling the memory of helping 'Giles the Fyarl Demon' out of a spot of trouble.  
  
"Yes, I suppose you were," the watcher answered, less amused than Spike seemed to be. "But now I'm asking you again. Do you think you serve a higher purpose? Can you make a difference?"  
  
Spike contemplated the question for a moment. "Maybe you should be asking Angel these bloody questions. He's the one on the rocky road of redemption; trying to make up for things he knows he has no chance in hell of ever doing. You see, I have it all figured out. I may have a soul, a conscience screaming at me for all the wrong I've done, but in the end, I'm still a vampire. I'm damned no matter what I do."  
  
Giles seemed genuinely surprised by his reply. "Suppose you're not. Suppose you're wrong."  
  
"Well then, hooray for me. Guess I'll know for sure when I find myself on the pointy end of a stick. Until then, I'm not thinking of higher purposes, or prophecies. Hell, I'm lucky to make it through each day without the sodding nightmares getting the best of me. That's about all that matters right now."  
  
"You know Buffy is right. This prophecy may very well be about you."  
  
"Maybe. All I know is that I'm here to help Buffy no matter what happens. Prophecy or no prophecy. Doesn't much make a difference now, does it?"  
  
"No, I suppose it doesn't."  
  
Giles was astonished. It surprised him how in-depth Spike's thoughts and feelings were. He silently wondered if it was the soul making the difference in the vampire, or if Spike had always been this way and he had just been too biased to notice. His train of thought was interrupted when Spike cleared his throat to get the other man's attention.  
  
"Are we finished then?" Spike asked, ready to be done with the probing questions.  
  
"Not yet," Giles answered. "If I might be blunt, I was curious as to your intentions with Buffy. I'm well aware of the... uh...well, relationship you were engaged in. I just hope you realize how wrong it was. It wasn't what she needed."  
  
"I know what she needed, mate. And yeah, maybe I wasn't the right person to give it to her. But she needed someone, and no one else was there. I won't apologize for what happened between us. Not most of it, anyway."  
  
"No, I didn't imagine you would. I just wanted you to understand that it was much better for Buffy after you left. And I wanted to make sure you didn't have any false notions of trying to rekindle any... 'feelings' that might still be present. Buffy doesn't need that kind of confusion right now."  
  
Spike stared curiously at Giles. He was floored at the man's bluntness.  
  
"Well, Rupert, if it make you feel better, that's not why I'm here. But for the record, my relationship with Buffy is not for public debate. I appreciate you trying to protect her and all, but she's a big girl. Even if there were anything between us, it would be her decision, not yours."  
"As long as you realize what's in Buffy's best interest," Giles replied, mixing a little hint of threat in with the comment. "I just hope you have moved on and realized how wrong your unhealthy obsession was."  
  
Spike scowled. "I'm well aware of what's in Buffy's best interest, mate. More than you possibly know. Now, are we finished here?" Spike was anxious to leave, anxious to face anyone else besides Buffy's inquisitive watcher. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hold his tongue, or his demon for that matter.  
  
"I think we're done. But please Spike, think about what I've said. All of it." 


	15. Understanding

Chapter 15  
  
Understanding  
  
Spike made his way down the stairs to the basement, stopping midway. Hidden in the shadows where she couldn't see him, he watched, mesmerized by the sight of her. Pounding away on the heavy bag, she was a massive ball of energy wrapped up in the small body of a girl. Her strength and stamina had always amazed him. He admired her ability to keep going long after her body had passed the point of exhaustion. He shook his head, realizing his thoughts were taking him to the more intimate moments between them. He cleared his mind, reminding himself he was there to train, not to reminisce.  
  
Fighting with her, whether for real, or just sparring for fun, had always aroused him. Violence, to 'Spike the vampire', was an aphrodisiac of sorts, and the violence inside her, being the slayer, called to his demon. Even before the chip, before his confessions of love, he had wanted her. Standing here, watching her like this, was enough to make him doubt his resolve to stay away. Man and demon were both screaming to go to her, take her, and worry about the consequences later. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Their earlier trysts had confirmed that much. Her reasons, of course, were purely physical. Unlike his own, which were born from his love for her.  
  
"Are you gonna just stand there?" she asked sternly.  
  
In all his pondering, he hadn't realized she was now standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips, staring up at him. "Or maybe you're afraid you can't take me. Been awhile after all."  
  
"Hardly," he scoffed, excited by the innuendo in her words. He inwardly cursed himself for letting his mind wander in that direction again.  
  
"We'll see." He could hear a hint of anger in her voice, no doubt a result of Kitara's unexpected appearance. She turned and walked away, returning to the area in the basement that had been turned into a small training room.  
  
He followed, stopping only to slide out of his duster, which he tossed onto the mattress he'd slept on the night before. He'd barely turned around to her when her foot suddenly connected with his ribs, sending him sprawling to the floor.  
  
"Bloody hell! What'd you do that for?" he cried, pushing himself back up onto his feet.  
  
"I'm surprised. Remembered you having quicker reflexes," she taunted sarcastically, taking a defensive stance. Buffy readied herself for a fight.  
  
As soon as he was in position, she was on him again, ferociously pounding away. Managing to block all the punches and kicks that were being thrown in rapid succession, he had yet to fight back, instead letting her be the only aggressor. She continued her assault until he finally grabbed her arms, mid-punch.  
  
"What's your problem, slayer?" he asked harshly.  
  
"No problem. I thought we were here to train," she answered, pulling her arms from his grip. She backed away and began pummeling the heavy bag again.  
  
He sighed in frustration, gritting his teeth in the process. He moved behind her, careful not to be caught off guard again.  
  
"This isn't training. This is 'you' taking out your personal issues on 'me'. as usual."  
  
She stopped immediately. He could almost hear the beat of her heart quicken as his words sunk in. Instead of facing him, she strolled in the opposite direction, grabbing a towel to wrap around her neck.  
  
"This was a mistake," she stated, wiping the moisture from her face. "I should have known we couldn't do this."  
  
He quickly appeared in front of her. "No. You don't get out of it that easy. If you've got a problem, let's hear it. I'd really like to know what stick is up your bloody ass, slayer."  
  
She felt the heat in her face as her anger began to rise. Her eyes locked onto his, trying to face him down. Without another word, she turned again to walk away.  
  
"Buffy!" he yelled.  
  
She stopped in her tracks, hearing the anger in his voice.  
  
"What?!" she demanded, snatching the towel from around her neck, throwing it onto the ground. Facing him again, with narrowed eyes, she anticipated his words.  
  
"What the hell do you want from me?!" he asked, his voice low and dangerous.  
  
"Nothing!" she snapped. "I don't want anything from you!"  
  
"Look, this little training excursion was your idea, remember? Now if you would just stop acting like such a bitch....."  
  
Her eyes widened, and she found herself trying hard to resist the urge to fight back with her fists. After all, that had always been her way with him. Knock him down until he had nothing left to say.  
  
"I'm acting like a bitch? Why don't you point that finger where it really belongs."  
  
"What are you talking about?" he asked.  
  
"Your new little girlfriend. That's what I'm talking about!"  
  
He let himself relish in the satisfaction of her discomfort toward the other woman for a moment, then struck. "So that's what this is about? You're jealous!" he accused, trying to pretend it was a new revelation for him, although, her actions all evening had made it blatantly obvious.  
  
She didn't answer. Instead, she pushed him aside and made her way to the corner, contemplating which weapon to pick up.  
  
"If we're gonna train, let's do it. I'm not here to talk," she said, throwing him a wooden staff, after taking one for herself.  
  
She attacked with force, barely allowing him time to defend. As he had previously done, he concentrated on blocking her blows rather than giving them, letting her work out some frustration. Noticing his reluctance to fight, she became more agitated.  
  
"C'mon, Spike! Fight me! Stop holding back!"  
  
Another strike, followed by a kick, and he'd finally had enough. Sliding into game face, he quickly grabbed the piece of wood from her hands, and tossed it behind him, along with his own. With the speed of a predator on a hunt, he knocked her back, pulling her legs out from under her, causing her to stumble to the ground. Before she could react, he had her pinned, one leg on either side of her body, holding her hands tightly beside her head. An animalistic growl sounded from deep inside, as he bent his head to her neck, bearing his fangs just inches from her skin. As she struggled beneath him, he pulled his face away, his human mask staring down at her.  
  
"Jealousy doesn't suit you, pet. Makes you careless. Had I been anyone else, you would have been dead just then."  
  
Regaining her resolve, she used all of her strength to push him off, sending him stumbling to the floor. Standing over him, she fumed at the sight of the smug grin on his face, as he leaned casually back on his elbows.  
  
"How'd you expect me to feel... seeing you with her? Did you think I'd be happy?!"  
  
"Well.yeah," he answered, sarcasm dripping off his lips. "'S what 'you' said you wanted. More than once, if memory serves. You don't get to change your mind just because you're feeling lonely, lacking a bit of cold comfort...."  
  
She tried to kick him, but his hand stopped her foot from connecting.  
  
"Struck a nerve, didn't I? Sorry, pet, just being honest. You want me because there's no one else in your bed. Figured I'd be up for a go, have a jolly time of it, and then back to business as usual, isn't that right? Just like old times!"  
  
"You're wrong," she answered, angry at his analysis.  
  
"Am I? I don't think so. I'm still... what's the word you used? Oh, yeah. convenient. Nothing's changed."  
  
She paused for a moment. She may have been angry, but she really didn't want to get into another argument with him. "'You' have." Her voice was softer, full of emotion.  
  
"No..... I haven't."  
  
"But your soul...."  
  
"Doesn't change a bloody thing! I'm still me, and 'that's' what you don't understand. You didn't want me without a soul, and now all of a sudden, you do. So there it is again, slayer. Black and white."  
  
He stood up, wiping off the back of his jeans, and walked over to his makeshift bed. Sitting down, he pushed himself back to lean against the wall.  
  
She looked down, regret taking hold over her emotions. She finally asked the question that had been plaguing her since he'd first told her about his soul. "Why aren't you different?"  
  
He took a long hard look at her, noting the sincerity in her eyes. "What?"  
  
"Why aren't you different?" she repeated. "Angel's different without a soul. Why aren't you?"  
  
He sighed. Angel again. He quietly reminded himself to stake the other vampire the next time he saw him. "I'm not Angel," he answered coldly.  
  
"I know," she said, "But I don't understand why he was so evil, and then, 'poof,' he's not. He's Jekyl and Hyde, and you're just...you."  
  
She sauntered closer, kneeling down on the mattress, and took a seat in front of him. He was now sitting, head down, with his hands resting on his bent knees, lost in thought.  
  
"Because of you, I suppose."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
He found her eyes and saw the confusion in them. "It's what I was trying to tell you all along. I changed, Buffy, because of you. You just couldn't believe it, because you never saw what I was... before. You tamed a monster, and you never even realized it." Leaning his head back against the wall, he ran his fingers through his hair, readying himself for the confessions of 'William the Bloody'.  
  
"You were never like Angel was. Angelus was evil. Even when you first came to Sunnydale, you weren't anything like him."  
  
"Different demon. Same lust for destruction, pet. Just different ways of going about it. You remember Angelus because he was obsessed with you. You were his sole focus, whereas, my attention wasn't always on you."  
  
"Didn't stop you from trying to kill me," she reminded him.  
  
"Well... no. Vampire...Slayer," he explained, holding out one hand to represent him and the other to represent her. "Of course I tried to kill you. It's what vampires do. My point is, I did my fair share of evil. You just weren't always around to find out about it."  
  
She finally understood. "With Angel being the opposite. He wanted me to know about everything he did. He flaunted it."  
  
"Bingo. Now you're catching on." He clapped his hands as a reward. "The difference is, you didn't get to know 'me' until after the chip... and after I fell in love with you. Until then, you'd only gotten a glimpse of the real me. The demon side."  
  
She felt the pang of regret building up again, trying to sort out what he was saying. "Why didn't I notice?"  
  
He gave her an astonished look, realizing she was finally getting it. "Well now, that's the question of the century, luv."  
  
"I guess I really didn't realized how much you'd changed."  
  
"Been tryin' to tell you for years, slayer. You just wouldn't listen. Too stuck on vampires being nothing but monsters. You had yourself so convinced, you actually believed it." He scooted up closer to her, putting his hand over hers. "Demons aren't always evil, Buffy. It's in their nature, but with a good enough reason, they 'can' change, whether there's a soul or not. You were my reason, Buffy. And I'll always be thankful for that. But I know I have to get over you. The only way to do that is by giving someone else a chance."  
  
Her heart sank quickly at the thought of Spike with Kitara. "I don't like her," she said quietly.  
  
"Kind of the same way I don't like Angel?"  
  
"I guess. But you know Angel and I aren't gonna be anything but friends, where as you and Kitara..."  
  
"I don't want to hurt you, Buffy. God knows we've already done enough of that. But Kit is good for me. She's what I need."  
  
"I never would have thought you'd be the one to give up."  
  
He met her eyes, a look of surprise coming through his own. "I never gave up. That's not what this is about. But even 'I' have a breaking point, slayer. You can only kick me in the head so many times before I get the hint. It took awhile, but I did finally get it."  
  
"Are we ever gonna stop hurting each other?"  
  
"I doubt it, pet. Made a pretty good hobby of it." He smiled, a tender and gentle smile that warmed her.  
  
She knew they were done, another painful conversation to lay heavy on her mind. Without saying anything else, she slid up from the mattress. She turned to go, but stopped when she reached the stairs.  
  
"She's lucky to have you," she said, her eyes fixed on the step in front of her.  
  
"Wish you'd realized that a year ago, pet."  
  
"So do I."  
  
She left the basement, her head swimming with emotions. She was finally seeing him for the first time, the man he truly was, and knew it was too late.  
  
She passed through the livingroom, ignoring the curious eyes of the others who were present, and went outside to the front porch. Sitting on the steps, she heard the door open and could sense Angel standing behind her. He closed the door, and took a seat beside her.  
  
After awhile of silence between them, he turned toward her. "You want to talk about it?"  
  
"Not really the subject I think you'd care to hear," she answered.  
  
"I was on my way down to the basement to join you, and heard you and Spike talking," he stated, almost apologetically.  
  
"Great. Now my night's complete."  
  
"I didn't mean to listen, but it surprised me. Maybe I was wrong about Spike."  
  
Her head shot up to look at him. She must have been hearing things.  
  
"What I mean is, he sounds like maybe he really does care. I just know how he was before... besides Dru, he never cared about anyone but himself."  
  
"You've been around him for three months, Angel. You should know him a little better by now."  
  
"I guess so. It's just that Spike and I, well, let's say we've had our differences. I really thought he might have taken advantage of you just to get back at me." Thoughts of Drusilla entered his mind, along with knowing he had taken her away from Spike every chance he could get.  
  
"He didn't take advantage of me. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. I just couldn't admit it like he could." She shook her head at her stupidity.  
  
"Hurts, huh? Seeing him with someone else?"  
  
"More than you can imagine," she admitted, amazed to have said it out loud.  
  
"I think I have a little idea," he answered, a knowing look appearing on his face.  
  
She nodded in understanding. "I guess I should head back inside. Xander and them should be back with the food soon, and I'm so not ready to deal with her right now."  
  
He smiled. "I tell you what. I'll try to get along with Spike, if you try to not kill Kitara. Deal?"  
  
She sighed heavily. "I guess. But I can't make any promises," she answered, smiling at her own joke.  
  
He stood up, offering a hand to pull her up. "That's my girl."  
  
They went back inside, just when Xander's car pulled into the driveway. Buffy braced herself, preparing to put on the best show of her life.  
  
TBC 


	16. Betrayal

Chapter 16  
  
Betrayal  
  
Buffy was in the kitchen pretending to wipe down the already clean counters when Xander, Anya and Kitara filed in. Carrying multiple bags from several different fast food establishments, they quickly piled them together in the center of the table.  
  
"We didn't know what everyone wanted, so we got a little bit of everything," Xander said, pulling out the contents of the packages.  
  
"Xander didn't know what he wanted, so 'he' got a little bit of everything," Anya corrected, rolling her eyes at her boyfriend.  
  
Buffy grabbed a pile of paper plates from the cabinet and placed them on the table. "Go ahead, knock yourselves out."  
  
"You're not hungry? We have all this food!" Anya complained, pointing to the schmorgisbord before them.  
  
"Maybe later. Just feeling a little anxious about this prophecy stuff," she lied, knowing her stomach was in knots from her conversation with Spike.  
  
She'd been making a hardy attempt not to look in the direction of Kitara, who had taken a seat at the end of the table. All attempts failed when Xander and Anya announced they were going to round up the others, leaving the two girls alone in the room.  
  
"I don't envy you. The job you have..... being the slayer." Kitara started, picking up a plate.  
  
"Well, someone's gotta do it," Buffy answered, opening the refrigerator, trying to find something else to keep her occupied. She was feeling extremely uncomfortable being alone with the other woman.  
  
"There's just one thing I don't understand. Maybe you can fill me in."  
  
"What's that?" Buffy asked, still rummaging through the fridge, unable to look at the other girl without thinking of her with Spike.  
  
"You're a vampire slayer, right? You're supposed to kill vampires."  
  
"Yeah? And your point would be?" she asked, irritated already by the conversation.  
  
"If you're supposed to kill them, why do you fuck them?"  
  
Buffy slammed the door shut and spun around to face her. "Excuse me?!" she demanded, caught off guard by the other woman's brashness.  
  
"I'm just saying, seems a vulnerable position to be in, being a slayer and all." The smugness in her response instantly set Buffy off.  
  
"What I do is none of your business," she warned, stepping closer to the table.  
  
"I just couldn't figure it out. Someone whose supposed to kill vampires, but sleeps with not only one, but two of them. Is it a turn on for you? Doing the enemy?"  
  
Buffy tried to hold her anger in, but Kitara seemed determined to cross the line.  
  
"I mean, I've never actually been with one. Not yet, anyway." She grinned at Buffy, satisfied with her taunting. "But I'm hoping to change that. I hear vampire stamina leaves nothing to be desired. Would you agree?" she asked coyly, dishing out some noodles onto her plate.  
  
"You hurt him, and I'll hurt you." Buffy warned. "Without even thinking twice."  
  
She glanced at the slayer in surprise. "Well, well. The slayer protecting her vampire. Isn't that interesting." She paused, "But you're forgetting, he's not yours anymore. He's all mine. You'd better remember that."  
  
Buffy eyed Kitara, anger running through her. "I don't take kindly to threats."  
  
"Oh, it's not a threat. I just thought we'd better get some things straight between us. Spike's weak when it comes to you, but honestly, I don't know what it is he sees in you. You must've done some job on him."  
  
"What's between me and Spike is none of your business."  
  
"Oh? I think it's completely my business. You still want him, and I won't let that happen."  
  
"Does Spike know what a bitch you are?" Buffy asked, ready to go at the girl, barrels loaded.  
  
Kitara began laughing, amused at the question. "You have no idea. Why don't you stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours."  
  
"You're in my house where I make the rules. And if you're suggesting I stay away from Spike, you've got another thing coming. But I do agree.you should stay out of my way." Buffy's tone was threatening enough to hopefully get her point across.  
  
Kitara was about to speak again, when the basement door opened, and Spike stepped out. She stood up, rushing over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I was wondering where you were."  
  
"Felt a bit knackered, must have passed out. So, what's going on up here?" he asked, eyeing both of them wearily.  
  
"Just girl talk," Kitara answered, making sure Buffy didn't have a say.  
  
"Getting along then?" He looked at Buffy, unsure of her expression.  
  
Without answering, Buffy moved passed them, into the other room. As she was heading out, everyone else filed passed her into the kitchen to find dinner. Angel watched her make her way to the closet and approached her when he saw her grab a light jacket.  
  
"Where are you going?" he asked.  
  
"I'm gonna patrol," she answered, rummaging through her pockets for her wooden weapons.  
  
"By yourself? Let me go with you," he offered.  
  
"I'd rather go by myself if you don't mind."  
  
"Buffy, what if you run into something you can't handle?"  
  
"I'll be fine. I Promise," she reassured him. "If I get into trouble, I'll come running. Okay?"  
  
He nodded, still feeling reluctant to let her go. "Just be careful."  
  
She turned around and headed out the door, glad to be out of the house and away from her troubles for a while. She walked the streets, not really intending to do much patrolling. She needed the time alone, if for no other reason than to distance herself from Kitara before she said or did something she would probably regret later. 'Probably,' she repeated to herself, not very convincingly. She really didn't like this new girl that Spike had said was 'good for him'. She had an odd feeling about her, even going beyond her jealousy. She didn't trust her. She made a pact with herself to find out from Angel what Kitara's story was. Maybe knowing a little about her would help to set her mind at ease.  
  
When she made it three streets over from Revello drive, she headed toward the cemetery. Maybe a good fight was what she needed to clear her head. She approached, knowing she was going straight for Spike's old haunt. His crypt was still there, occupied by Clem since the vampire left town. She found she really enjoyed spending time with the carefree demon. At least once a week, she made her way to his home to visit. She managed to forget for a little while about evil, the hell mouth, the First and everything else that went along with being the slayer. Instead, they would talk about television shows and old movies over buckets of popcorn and snacks. Although the interior had changed since the old occupant left, she also enjoyed the memories of the crypt and the time she'd spent there with Spike.  
  
She was almost in sight of the mausoleum when her vamp senses began to tingle. Stake in hand, she turned on her heel, just in time to see the ubervamp approaching. 'Why didn't I let Angel come with me?' was the last thing she thought before he attacked. He began his assault full force, with Buffy barely getting a strike in.  
Meanwhile, back at the house, the others had finished dinner, cleaned up, and were back at work trying to research the ancient book they'd been told about. Spike was feeling a little uneasy about Buffy being out by herself. Angel had made it clear that she insisted on going alone, especially after the blonde vampire accused him of not trying hard enough to persuade her otherwise. The watcher had put a quick end to their 'discussion' when he realized any interaction between the two was likely to end in a fight. Keeping Spike and Angel separated was just one more thing on a long list of items that Giles really didn't want to have to contend with.  
  
Kitara watched everyone from the background, studying their habits and keeping a close eye on anything they found that might be helpful. Being in the middle of things was proving to be a lot more informative than she'd anticipated. She figured she'd collect as much information as she could before reporting back to The First, not sure of how she was going to sneak away without anyone noticing. She shrugged it off, knowing she'd figure out a way when the time came. For now, it was time to step up her plan of making sure Spike was not trying to rekindle things with the slayer.  
  
Closing the book she'd been pretending to read, she caught Spike's attention by motioning him toward the kitchen. He followed, happy to be distracted. He felt he should be out fighting, not cooped up in the house with a roomful of bookworms going through old, boring books he could barely stand to read. Sitting around not doing anything was making him crazy, and worrying about Buffy wasn't doing anything to help his mood.  
  
"So, what are the sleeping arrangements?" she asked, sliding her arms around him when they were out of everyone's sight. "I'm a little tired. Thought I might turn in."  
  
"Oh, well, you should check with the girls. I'm sure they can make room somewhere upstairs for you."  
  
"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of asking where you were sleeping. I promise I won't hog the bed and I'd feel safer knowing you were right there with me."  
  
"Kit, I'm not sure if....."  
  
"C'mon Spike," she interrupted. "I just want to be close to you. I'll make it worth your while," she added, seduction eminent in her voice.  
  
He smiled, an evil grin taking over his features. "What did you have in mind, pet?"  
  
"Say yes and I'll show you." She reached up, tugging his bottom lip between her teeth. "I promise you won't be disappointed."  
  
The promise of sexual release sounded very appealing to him. His pent up energy was screaming to be let out, especially after his near hits and misses with Buffy over the past couple of days. He was holding a woman who wanted him, and it had been a long time since he'd had a soft warm body to curl up to.  
  
He took her hand, opening the door to lead her into the dark basement.  
  
"Stay here, pet. I'll go tell everyone we're turning in."  
  
"No, stay. They probably won't even notice we're gone," she said, backing up to the mattress, with Spike following closely. "I don't want to waste any more time. It didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted," she said, pulling his shirt from the waistband of his jeans. In a single effort, she pulled it over his head, dropping it to the floor. "I've been waiting for this."  
  
He spoke no words, instead helping to remove the clothing between them. They fell entwined to the bed, ravishing each other's bodies, not taking the time to get to know each other as first time lovers usually would. His interest was merely release and she was there to accommodate anything he wanted. She knew he didn't love her, but as long as he was here, he wasn't with Buffy. That was good enough for her, for now. Love could come later.  
  
She let him have his climax, forgetting her own, even biting her tongue when he cried out the name of his slayer at the height of his release. She casually wondered as he rolled over beside her, draping his arm across her stomach, if he'd even realized he'd called Buffy's name. She drifted off to sleep, knowing this was the first step in a difficult task of trying to make him forget about the woman he truly loved.  
  
Spike curled up silently beside her, guilt ridden for what he'd done. It wasn't bad enough that he'd cried out for his slayer, but if she'd known it was Buffy he was thinking of the whole time.... He felt bad for the woman lying beside him, but he felt more guilt for the woman he knew he was betraying. Being with Kitara had been wrong. From the time he slid inside, he felt it in his gut. It wasn't Buffy, and that's where he wanted to be. He fell asleep knowing he'd made a huge mistake, but wasn't sure what course of action it would take to fix it.  
  
He was awakened suddenly by a weight falling over his leg. His eyes shifted to Angel, standing over him, worry eminent on his face. Spike looked down to see his pants draped across him.  
  
"Get up! Get dressed!" Angel demanded, almost in a panic.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, irritated by his interrupted slumber.  
  
"It's almost morning and Buffy never came home last night."  
  
Spike shot up, fear taking over his entire being. He was dressed and ready to go before Angel had time to make it back up the stairs. They set off together, differences aside, to look for Buffy, hoping to find her before the sun decided to make it's deadly appearance in the sky.  
  
TBC 


	17. Death

Chapter 17  
  
Death  
  
Spike and Angel wandered the streets of town, looking for any sign of Buffy, any evidence that she had been there. Having no luck, they passed through several graveyards, splitting up and then meeting at the end of each one to cover more ground. As they entered the fifth cemetery, Spike recognized it as the one he'd called home for three years.  
  
His instincts were running on overload, caused by the upcoming sunrise threatening to spill overhead. His body was screaming for him to take cover, to shield himself before the first rays appeared over the horizon. For the first time since he'd died, he inwardly cursed himself for what he was. In all other aspects, he had always loved being a vampire. He'd tried explaining it to Buffy once, though he really didn't think she'd ever truly understand the utter power and strength he'd felt when he was turned. Though his heart didn't beat and the blood didn't flow through his veins, he'd felt alive for the very first time. He felt like he could do anything. Until now. Right now all he felt was fear.  
  
Fear that he wouldn't be able to find her in time. He swore to himself that he wouldn't give up. He would succeed or go up in a massive ball of flames trying. Almost having reached the middle of the cemetery, he suddenly stopped when he smelled the blood. Slayer blood. He focused on Angel in the distance, who had also caught Buffy's scent, and was rapidly heading back toward him. Before Angel could reach the blonde vampire, Spike had taken off in a mad dash, running in the direction of his old crypt.  
  
He hadn't made it too far when he stopped, paralyzed by the sight in front of him. The smell of the blood was overpowering, lying in puddles, spread over the grass and dirt. In the middle of it all, was the body of his slayer, lying face up on the ground. An all too familiar scene of Buffy entered his mind, and his body froze. He closed his eyes and pictured her, lying in the rubble, after jumping from the tower, to save the world.  
  
He knew he should run to her, help her, but his legs felt like jelly. He was pushed off balance when Angel rushed passed him, kneeling down to attend to her.  
  
"Spike." He thought he heard a voice, but his mind was far too lost in thought to register where it had come from. He had failed her again just like he had done the last time. He should have been with her, protecting her, not....well, he couldn't let his mind conjure up the images of where he was and what he was doing while she was out here all alone. Feelings of guilt and despair threatened to overcome him.  
  
"Spike!" Angel yelled again, trying to get the other vampire's attention.  
  
At once, Spike came back to reality and the situation before him. He willed his body to move, finally scooting over to where she lay. In an instant, relief washed over him when he heard the struggling sound of her heartbeat.  
  
"She's alive," he whispered, almost in an attempt to convince himself it was true.  
  
"Yeah. But we need to get her out of here!" Angel remarked, attempting to pick her up.  
  
Spike pushed the other man away and slid his arms under her body. "No! I've got her."  
  
"Spike....."  
  
"I said I've got her!" he repeated, challenging him to disagree.  
  
Angel nodded, allowing Spike to cradle her in his arms. He looked toward the brightening sky and down at the motionless girl in front of him.  
  
"We'll never make it.... there's not enough time," Angel announced, knowing they couldn't make it back to the house before sunrise.  
  
"There's another place."  
  
Spike took off running, leaving Angel to follow. They approached the crypt and banged loudly, not waiting for Clem to answer before throwing the door open. The demon's head appeared from the trap door leading down below, and he gasped in surprise at his unannounced guests.  
  
"Spike! Man, you're back! And with company." he added, glancing toward the stranger standing beside him. "And the slayer..." he added, noticing her obvious state of apparel. "What happened?!" he asked, rushing over to move a heap of mess from the couch.  
  
"Don't know. But she needs help. Bandages.....supplies..." Spike answered, gently lying her down on the sofa. "I need you to go to her house. Get the watcher."  
  
"Sure, Spike...sure. I'll go right now. Be back in a jiffy," he said, already making his way to the door.  
  
Spike lifted an eyebrow at Clem's choice of words, but shrugged it off, instead focusing on Buffy, who was still unconscious. He moved around to sit on the edge of the couch, facing her, and reached for her hand.  
  
"C'mon slayer, time to wake up, luv," he said, his voice full of emotion. "I know you can hear me."  
  
Angel stepped closer, surprised by the gentle display he wasn't used to seeing from Spike. "Looks like she lost a lot of blood."  
  
Spike shrugged, not wanting to be reminded of the pools he'd seen earlier. "She's gonna be fine. Slayer healing and all. Just needs time 's all." He glanced around, finding a discarded shirt lying in a pile of clothes at the end of the couch. Grabbing it, he began wiping the cuts and abrasions on her face and upper body.  
  
"She needs a hospital." Angel stated, with firmness in his tone.  
  
"Too many questions. She'll be fine here. When the sun's down, we can move her to her own cozy, little bed."  
  
"Or Giles can take her to the hospital when he gets here. He can make something up," Angel argued, already knowing Spike wasn't going to give in.  
  
"No! She stays here! Where I can protect her!" he growled, persistence showering his words.  
  
Angel heard the anger but decided not to back down. "She doesn't need you! She has plenty of other people for that. It's not your job to protect her!"  
  
"It bloody well is!" he yelled, standing suddenly, shoulders back and chest puffed out. "I let her down before.....but not again. Protect her 'til I'm dust."  
  
Angel stared him down. "I can arrange that."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes and sighed out loud in frustration. "Bloody hell, Angel. What are we fightin' for?"  
  
"Because I know you. You're just trying to get in good with Buffy. I just haven't figured out what game you're playing."  
  
"What?" Spike asked, his eyes showing his lack of understanding.  
  
"Playing one against the other. You just left, a girl in your bed, and now you're here trying to act noble, helping Buffy....playing the hero. For what? What do you want from her, as if I couldn't guess?"  
  
"Right now, I just want her to wake up. The rest....is none of your business." He turned around, done with the bickering, and took his seat next to her again.  
  
"I won't let you hurt her," Angel threatened.  
  
"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? The king of the big exits and all. Where were you when she was saving the world? Oh yeah....not here." The bitterness dripped off his tongue and he relished in the reaction he was getting from the other man.  
  
"Don't turn this around, Spike. Buffy knows my reasons."  
  
"Well, I know sod all about your reasons. I just know 'I' was here fighting the big fight, not you. Your say doesn't mean much around here, 'mate'."  
  
"You forget who you're talking to....William."  
  
Spike glared at Angel, surprised by the use of his given name. He left Buffy's side again to approach the older vampire, stopping just inches from him. "Using your trump card? Sorry, peaches. Doesn't work anymore. You lost your power over me the day you ate that gypsy girl. Angelus had power.....not you."  
  
Angel moved in, enraged by Spike's lack of emotion to his threat. "Push me boy, and we'll see who has the power."  
  
Spike stepped back, his lips curled in an evil grin. "Well, well. Might be a touch of the old Angelus in there after all. Good show, mate. Could come in handy with the big nasty we're fightin'." He reached up, his hand patting Angel on the back of his shoulder in a sarcastic display of disobedience toward his elder. "And as much as I would love to take a trip down memory lane, now's not the time."  
  
"You'll get yours, Spike. I just hope I'm there on the other end of the stick when it happens."  
  
The blond ignored the comment, not amused, and turned his attention back to Buffy. "Where is that bloody watcher?"  
  
As if on cue, Giles, followed by Clem, burst through the door. "I'm here! What happened?!" he asked, clearly trying to catch his breath after running the entire distance.  
  
"Something got a hold of her. She's unconscious," Angel answered, stepping away to make room for the other man. "And she's lost a lot of blood."  
  
Giles leaned in, opening the bag of first aid supplies he'd been carrying, and grabbed some antiseptic and bandages. He quickly went to work, tending to her injuries. Spike moved away, allowing him better access to Buffy. He sauntered over to a dark corner, and sat down against the wall.  
  
When Giles was finished, he stood, facing Angel. "That's about all I can do. The rest will take time. Hopefully, she'll wake up soon and she'll be able to explain what happened."  
  
"What if she doesn't..."  
  
"She will!" Spike interrupted from his seat on the floor. "She's the slayer. she's strong."  
  
"Why don't we move her downstairs," Clem suggested. "I have a real nice bed down there. She'd be more comfortable."  
  
Giles shook his head in disagreement. "I really should get her home."  
  
Spike stood up, ready for a confrontation. "She's staying here. At least until nightfall."  
  
"Spike...I really don't think..."  
  
"You might need some one who can fight. With Buffy out of commission, you don't know who's gonna be watching. We can't bloody well help if we're stuck in here, and everyone else is there." He argued, motioning toward Angel.  
  
"Well, I suppose you may have a point." He sighed deeply, contemplating his decision. "Alright... let's get her downstairs then."  
  
Before Giles finished, Spike was already beside her, lifting her from the couch. He headed to the downstairs entrance, being careful not to jar her too much as he climbed down the ladder. He was surprised when no one else followed him down, leaving him some time alone with Buffy. He listened to the voices upstairs for a moment, realizing they had engaged in a conversation that hopefully would keep them for some time.  
  
Moving aside the rumpled blankets, he laid her on the bed, careful not to stir any broken bones she may be nursing. He stood up, walking around to the other side, and crawled onto the mattress, moving close beside her. He laid his body next to hers, his head on his elbow, sharing the same pillow she was on. His hand reached up to brush her blood stained hair away from her face while he concentrated on the labored sound of her breathing. His fingers moved down to her chest, resting them over her heart, needing to feel the steady beat beneath his hand.  
  
Leaning in close to her ear, he began speaking in a soft tone, trying to will her back to him. "Luv, it's time you wake up now, pet."  
  
No response came. He was staring at her, looking for any sign, a change in her breathing pattern, a twitch of her eyes beneath her lids, anything would do. Tears began to form, spilling slowly down his cheeks.  
  
"I lost you once, Buffy. I can't do it again."  
  
He leaned his head down, resting it on her chest, listening to the quiet beating and feeling the pulse of her blood moving through her veins. As long as the blood flowed, she was still with him.  
  
"I've been pushing you away, letting you believe everything that's gone wrong between us was your fault." He caressed her hair tenderly, his tears dampening the material of her shirt.  
  
"But I was wrong. The truth is, I've been pushing you away because I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the happiness you make me feel just by being around you. When we're together, I'm more than just a walking corpse. You make me feel alive. That's the power you have over me, slayer."  
  
He wiped the falling tears and tried to regain his composure. "I realized tonight that It'll never be over between us. We have a connection, Buffy. It's harsh, and it burns, but it's real. And I'm tired of fighting it."  
  
He ran his hand down the side of her cheek, caressing her softly. He closed his eyes, moving his head beside hers on the pillow. There was nothing he could do but wait for her to wake up.  
  
He found himself starting to doze off, when he was startled out of sleep by a presence behind him. He shot up, his body instinctively moving closer to protect Buffy. His head snapped around, disbelief pouring from his eyes.  
  
"So lost, my William. I couldn't save you before... but I can save you now."  
  
"What... how?" he stuttered, his shock getting the best of him. His eyes focused as if he were trying to wake from a dream, or a nightmare, as this was better apt to be. He prayed his mind was playing tricks on him, but Drusilla was standing there, not ten feet in front of him.  
  
"Look at her, Spike. The slayer you love so much. The one that took everything away. Made you weak."  
  
She began to move closer, making him ease that much farther into Buffy's space. The dumbfounded look on his face finally gave way to anger.  
  
"You're not Drusilla."  
  
"Oh, but I am. And I'm here to help you find your way. I've seen it, Spike. The way it should be." She was at the edge of the bed, leaning into him, one knee on the mattress, moving closer.  
  
"I know what you really want... what you need.....couldn't you smell it? All that delicious wasted blood?" she whispered.  
  
He was too confused to speak. Buffy said The First could take on any form. Surely, this had to be the evil in question, he told himself. But it seemed so real.  
  
"Look at her, lying there, weak and helpless. She's dying and only you can stop it."  
  
He looked at her, lost in her eyes, not able to avoid the words she was speaking.  
  
"You can have her, Spike. Do what's in your nature."  
  
He turned to Buffy, longing to do what was being suggested to him. He was lost, his desperation to hold onto her overpowering his reasoning. He tried to fight the urge, but he felt her blood crying out to him. His eyes focused intensely on the scar she bore on her neck. The scar he had avoided for so long.until now. His demon wanted to tear into her, marking her as his own. He had never been told whose mark she wore, but he had no doubt who it was that had tasted her.  
  
"Do it, my Spike. She calls to you. She can be yours forever....."  
  
He dipped in low, his lips finding the scar and circling around it. The blood was pulsing through her veins, the sound intoxicating to his ears. His demon emerged, moving her head gently to the side away from him, allowing better access for what was to come.  
  
"That's it. You know what you have to do. You thought you were a tamed puppy. I know better.... I know what you really are... the animal inside. Feed my bad, bad boy, and make her part of our family."  
  
Yellow eyes stared down at the unconscious girl, confusion clouding his mind. He wanted to drink her, wanted to taste the sweet nectar of slayer blood sliding down his throat. Not any slayer.....his slayer. His tongue traced along the backs of his teeth, now sharp and angled, waiting to slip inside.  
  
Noting his hesitation, Drusilla leaned in closer, urging him to take what he wanted. "What are you waiting for, Spike? She'll die if you don't take her. Can you bare for that to happen again?"  
  
She placed her hands on his back, pushing him forward onto Buffy. He repositioned himself, moving his leg over top of her body, straddling her sleeping form. He felt the impulses taking over and the excitement giving his body a sexual charge. He longed to be inside of her, taking her whole body as he took the life from her veins. Knowing there wasn't much time, and that he could be interrupted at any moment, he would have to forego what his brain was yelling for him to do. His erection almost painful, trapped inside the material of his jeans, he rubbed against her, making it that much worse to ignore.  
  
"Take her, my Spike."  
  
His eyes traveled to Drusilla, and then back to the exposed flesh begging for his bite. He leaned in, his tongue again circling her previous scar. His lips found her neck, sucking gently, pulling the blood to the surface. With a growl, he plunged inside, his incisors tearing at the skin, letting the blood flow freely into his mouth. Two large gulps, and he slowed his pace, wanting to savor the taste and feel of Buffy beneath him. His mind blocked out his surroundings, listening only to the sounds of her blood and heartbeat. Until he heard her moan.  
  
He froze, fangs still imbedded deep inside, he listened. Her heart rate had sped, an unusual occurrence since it should have been slowing down.  
  
And then she whispered, one breathless and strangled word.  
  
"Spike."  
  
He pulled out, his fangs retracting, along with his features back to his human mask. With stealth speed, he was off the bed and backing against the wall, shocked at what he'd almost done. No sign of Drusilla or anyone else present in the room, he shot up the stairs, guilt and panic guiding his actions. He grabbed the first blanket he saw off of the couch and draped it over his head. Ignoring questions from the other men, he threw the door open, darting out into the bright sunlight.  
  
TBC 


	18. Sleeping

Chapter 18  
  
Sleeping  
  
Buffy heard voices beside her. More importantly, she heard the subtle British accent that could only be Spike. Were they talking to her? She didn't think so. Was she dreaming? She really wasn't sure. She remembered the ubervamp attack, her lack of concentration taking its toll. It was stupid to have come out here by herself, especially being so distracted by her emotions. It hadn't been much of a fight, with the vampire leaving her lying on the ground, not finishing her off when he had the chance. She wasn't sure why she was still alive, but was happy about it nonetheless.  
  
She felt strong arms encircling and pulling her close, lifting her from her place on the ground. Instinctively she knew Spike was holding her and let her body relax into his grip. She felt safe now, but cold, her whole body chilled deep to the bone. She was slipping into darkness, exhaustion and weakness taking over, and she felt compelled to sleep. If she slept for a while, maybe she would wake up and this nightmare would be over.  
  
She welcomed the dreams. A dream of a time that seemed so long ago. She'd had this one often. A memory of that first time, the night she discovered Spike's chip was useless in an attack against her. The night she realized there was nothing stopping him from killing her if he felt the urge to do so. It was also the night that changed the future of their relationship forever. She'd finally given into her desire.  
  
From the moment she'd initiated the first kiss in the alley behind The Bronze, to the moment in the abandoned house when she'd seen the undeniable shock and love in his eyes as she lifted up to slide him inside, she could no longer deny how much she'd wanted him.  
  
The memory of that night was reenacted many times over in her dreams, almost as real and vivid as when it had actually occurred. As they fell to the lower level of the building, all she could concentrate on was the feeling of Spike beneath her, as she flexed and stretched to accommodate his size. She wouldn't allow herself to hear the words of love and devotion he was mumbling in the heat of his passion, instead bruising his lips with steady kisses to keep him from speaking. This was supposed to be nothing but basic animal sex between two people, taking what they wanted from each other. She wouldn't admit to him, or to herself, that it was anything else.  
  
They'd enjoyed each other's bodies constantly throughout the night, touching and exploring every inch and crevice, stopping only when they reached the point of exhaustion. Even then, within minutes, they found each other again, neither wanting the pleasure to end. He'd taken her to new depths, letting her discover the fine line between pain and pleasure, introducing her to the darker side she'd hidden away from all of her other lovers. She dropped her inhibitions and he welcomed it. Begged for it, begged for her to hurt him just a little more. Nails and teeth, scratching and nipping, leaving marks of proof on both of their bodies. He'd tried to slow the pace, to relish the feel of finally having her, but she refused to let him make love to her the way he wanted. If it was fast and harsh she could deny there was anything resembling love involved. Only raw and meaningless sex making her finally feel alive after so many months of pretending.  
  
She found herself enjoying the pleasure of the dream, but also conjuring the familiar feeling between them reminding her of what she had thrown away. What she had given up, by convincing herself it was wrong, and letting her friends' views and opinions guide her into believing his love could never be real. She had forced her own emotions deep inside, to hide from her true feelings of love for yet another vampire.  
  
Visions of Spike walking away from her took over the dream, followed by the sight of another woman enjoying his soft words and kisses. Buffy was standing on the sideline watching while he made love to someone else. Kitara. She tried to call to him, to tell him she had been wrong, but he couldn't hear her. He was too wrapped up in the love he was receiving from the other woman to notice she was there. She crumpled to the floor, crying tears full of sorrow, knowing she had lost him.  
  
She tried to talk herself out of the nightmare the dream had become. She was ready to wake up.  
  
Then she felt him, felt his body next to hers. She wasn't sure if she was still dreaming or not.  
  
"Luv, it's time you wake up now, pet."  
  
She tried to answer, but the words wouldn't form. She stayed silent, listening.  
  
"I lost you once, Buffy. I can't do it again."  
  
She tried to open her eyes, but they felt too heavy. "I'm here, Spike. I'm listening. Why can't you hear me?"  
  
She could hear him, whispering words of loss and pain, telling her he was wrong. "I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the happiness you make me feel just by being around you. When we're together, I'm more than just a walking corpse. You make me feel alive. That's the power you have over me, slayer."  
  
"You do deserve me, Spike. I want you! Can't you see that? We both deserve to be happy, and we can be. Please, just don't give up on me. It's time to stop fighting and realize we need each other."  
  
He still couldn't hear her. She wanted to scream. She wanted to throw something. She just wanted to let him know she was there. She felt him curl up beside her, a feeling of warmth enveloping her, his lack of body heat not making a difference as long as he was there.  
  
She began drifting off again, until she lost the comfort of his body. She heard voices, .... cloudy this time. She knew he wasn't speaking to her. He was far enough away that she couldn't make out what he was saying, or who he was talking to, but she felt the tension in his voice, causing her stomach to knot. Something was definitely wrong.  
  
Feeling him close again, she allowed herself to relax a little. Then she felt his body on hers, his lips kissing her neck. She was confused, but her body began reacting to his. She felt his hardness pushing against her, and his lips sucking the tender flesh beneath her ear. Her heart was beating faster, her blood raging from the sheer excitement of having him so near. Her body betrayed her by wanting him, even when she couldn't respond.  
  
She was still focusing on the feel of his body against hers when she felt them. Sharp fangs tearing deep into her flesh. She moaned, not sure if it was out of pain or out of the pleasure of knowing it was Spike who was taking her blood.  
  
He stopped. She wasn't sure why. Then she realized what was happening. He was feeding from her. She'd been too involved in the pleasure of him to comprehend what he was doing. She began to panic and tried to cry out to him. She reached inside with all the strength she could muster and tried to scream his name. It came out as a whisper.  
  
"Spike."  
  
She felt him slide out, almost as if he were afraid. After a moment, she heard nothing but silence and knew he was gone. She was alone. She drifted off again, this time no dreams to keep her company, just the darkness of deep sleep and confusion.  
  
TBC  
  
Please please review!! I need to know 'someone' is reading this!!! Happy to hear positive and negative. as long as you're reading! 


	19. Forgiveness

Chapter 19  
  
Forgiveness  
  
After running away from the crypt, Spike stumbled his way to the tunnels to shade himself from the sun overhead, and to find a quiet space to gain perspective on what had happened. Correction.....what he had allowed to happen. That was the idea that had him bugged the most. What had he been thinking? Trying to turn her? In all the years of being in Sunnydale, the thought of making Buffy into one of his kind had never crossed his mind. In the old days, dreams of killing her, draining her dry and leaving her body to rot were among his better fantasies, but turning her had never been among of them. Even when things changed between them, when they became lovers, her life and warmth were the things he cherished most about her. If he had succeeded in his attempt, she would have woken and despised him for it. He would have made her into the thing she feared most. It was always the monster that dwelled inside of him that she hated, the reason she couldn't love him the way he loved her.  
  
He was desperate. Desperation, he thought, often makes people do crazy things. But that wasn't quite it either. He'd experienced these feelings of despair before. He madly paced the tunnel recalling another event he'd endured that invoked the same feelings inside of him. He conjured the memories of the night when Buffy died. He'd been there through the whole process, much to the protest of her friends and watcher. He was there up until the end when they'd laid her body in the ground, feeling as though his whole life had crumbled in just a few hours. Though overlooked by the others, his grief had been as real and painful as that of any of the scoobies. Afterward, he'd spent many nights sitting by her grave, talking to her, and wishing she was there with him. Shedding buckets of tears, it took every bit of resolve he had not to greet the morning sun and allow his ashes to scatter above her on the dirt. He knew it would be the closest he would ever be to her again. The only thing keeping him from doing it was his promise to her, to be there for Dawn. And so he had been, until she miraculously came back, giving him a reason to want to live again.  
  
Seeing her earlier, her body seemingly lifeless in front of him had caused his mind to go on temporary overload. The panic inside was only matched by the utter feelings of desperation to hold onto her, whatever it took, knowing what his world would be like if he lost her again. He convinced himself that this was his reasoning, or lack of, for attempting something so purely selfish, not thinking of what it would actually do to her. The extra nudge he was getting from the outside source only helped to increase his lack of judgment. He'd met the evil they'd been fighting and almost lost his will to it. The First was powerful, knowing just when to strike. He couldn't deny it that. But it didn't win. Buffy was still alive, and he was here to make sure she was all right.  
  
It was dark, hours having passed since he'd emerged from the crypt in a fit of guilt and confusion. He'd spent most of the day sitting at the bar, drowning in his self-loathing, accompanied by the usual bottle of whiskey. The only difference from the usual routine was the blood chasers following it. Human blood. He'd needed something rich and potent to cure the cravings coursing through his body after allowing himself to dine on Buffy's blood. This, of course, added to his desire for the alcohol to help numb the guilt. The blood of humans, even bought from a seedy dive like the one he was in, was something he hadn't treated himself to since he'd acquired his soul. When he'd finally had enough, he decided it was time to check on her, knowing she would have been moved back to her own house by now.  
  
Spike leaned against the tree, cigarette dangling between his lips, watching intently as a figure entered and exited from Buffy's room. The small lamp at her bedside left just enough light through the blinds to expose the outline of the area. He took one last drag on the butt and tossed it aside with the ten others already littering the ground beside him. He snorted, remembering times past when he'd stood in this very spot, wasting countless nights just to catch a stolen glimpse of the slayer in her window. 'The more things change, the more they stay the same' he thought to himself as he lit the next cigarette from the pack. He passed the time contemplating whether to sneak up to her window, or burst through the front door, fist and fangs flying if need be.  
  
He paced impatiently back and forth, wearing a path in the grass beside the tree. It had been an hour and he was getting antsy, patience not being one of his strongest virtues. Finally, without a plan, the decision was made and his feet were carrying him up the porch steps to the door. If he had to face them, he would go in like a man, not a ponce who hid in shadows with his tail between his legs. Big Bad façade in place, he slammed the door open with a thud and stepped through. Glancing left and right, he dropped his guard when he realized no one was there to greet him. He stood silently, listening for any sounds that would indicate where the others might be. The house was quiet, the only noise coming from the low hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Without thought, he slowly made his way up the stairs, stopping when he reached the closed door of Buffy's room. Placing his hand on the knob, he stopped, hearing the distinct click of a weapon behind him.  
  
"What do you think you're doing, Spike?" Giles demanded. His voice was threatening, anger expressed in every word.  
  
Spike swirled around, catching the sight of the crossbow aimed directly toward his chest. His glance fell from the wooden arrow to the man holding it.  
  
"I asked you a question."  
  
"Just checking on her, Rupert. Needed to see she was okay. Would you put that bloody thing away?!" He was unnerved by the bow so close. One wrong move... a twitch of a finger.  
  
"No... I won't. And you've done enough. You need to leave while I'm feeling courteous."  
  
"Don't do me any favors. And don't think I'm going to fall for this bleeding hero crap, either. We both know you won't do it." Spike took a step forward, challenging Giles' resolve.  
  
"Don't be so sure, Spike. I've needed less reason to kill your kind."  
  
Spike's eyes widened. "And what is that, mate? What is my kind?"  
  
Giles passed it off, repositioning his finger on the trigger. "What were you trying to do, Spike? Drain her? Kill her? Just couldn't resist, could you? I should have known you'd strike when she was down...vulnerable. I always knew we couldn't trust you."  
  
Spike's felt the rage in the pit of his stomach, building with every word Giles threw at him. He was trying to hold back, trying to prove he could control the demon inside. He clenched his jaw, keeping the anger at bay as Giles continued his rant.  
  
"Buffy was stupid not to have taken care of you long ago. She was blind to what you really are. I've read the books... the watcher's accounts. I know what you're capable of. You think this thing you have... this obsession with Buffy, changes what you are or what you've done?"  
  
Spike finally decided he'd taken enough. With lightening speed, the crossbow was ripped from Giles' hands and throw across the hallway. A low growl emitted from the vampire, now pressed up against the other man, holding him tightly against the wall.  
  
Spike began to speak, a low menacing tone of warning. "You've bloody well had it in for me from the start. Didn't matter what I did... how many times I saved you, helped in the fight. Never enough for any one of you. It's time for you to get something straight. I. Don't. Kill. Humans. Not anymore." He let go of his grip, stepping back to allow the other man some room to breathe.  
  
"So you went after the one person you could bite. You don't kill because of that chip in your head. That's not redemption. Without it controlling you, we would have been dead years ago."  
  
"You might have been. But that was before. Things are different now. I've changed."  
  
"Why? Because of the soul? I didn't see it doing you a lot of good this morning."  
  
"What's between the slayer and me is none of your concern. You don't know what happened, so I suggest you sod off."  
  
Giles crossed his arms in front of him, leaning casually against the wall. "Why don't you enlighten me, Spike. Explain it to me so I understand."  
  
"Yeah. I'd like to hear this too."  
  
Spike and Giles turned, both shocked at the interruption from behind them. Buffy was standing, weakly leaning against the doorframe, staring at the arguing pair.  
  
"Buffy! You shouldn't be out of bed! You're weak," Giles demanded, rushing over to her, letting her grab onto him for support.  
  
"I need to talk to Spike."  
  
" I don't think..."  
  
She cut him off, glancing at Spike who was still mesmerized by her appearance. "Giles....let me handle this." She turned, strength escaping her as she made her way back into the room, gesturing for the vampire to follow.  
  
Spike passed by Giles, entering her room, much to the dismay of the watcher. Once inside, he stood, hands in the pockets of his coat, watching as she lay back down on the bed.  
  
"Close the door. We need to talk."  
  
He obeyed and closed the door, leaving Giles alone in the hallway. Turning back around, trying not to get too close, his gaze focused on her body and the several bandages adorning it in various places. His eyes traveled upward and finally rested on her neck.  
  
He then met her eyes, anticipating her reaction to his being there. He continued to stare, even as he watched her hand slip the white gauze away from her neck, pushing her hair back out of the way.  
  
She tilted her head, exposing the area he'd been tempted by earlier. "Is this why you're here? Is this what you want?" Her voice was sugary and inviting, almost begging for him to say yes.  
  
The urge was powerful, knowing the intoxicating effect her blood had on him. She was tempting the demon, not realizing the struggle it was causing inside of him. He stepped back, almost tripping over his own feet, shock and confusion coursing through him. She let her hair go, allowing it to fall back in place. "That's what I thought."  
  
Raising an eyebrow, he remained silent.  
  
"I remember it, Spike. All of it."  
  
"Buffy... I never meant..."  
  
She didn't let him finish before she interrupted. "I remember you talking to me. I knew you were there. I could hear everything you were saying." She gazed into his eyes, trying to determine the mood in the blue orbs staring back at her. "But there was something else... another person. I thought I heard you talking to someone else."  
  
"I was, luv. As daft as it may sound, Drusilla was there, talking to me... convincing me that I was gonna loose you. I was bloody stupid, Buffy. I just couldn't stand the thought..." He looked away, not wanting her to notice the tears he was trying to push back.  
  
"The First."  
  
He nodded in agreement, gaining control over his emotions. "It got a hold of me. Made me want to..." He gestured toward her, afraid to say the words out loud.  
  
"You were gonna kill me?" Her eyes widened, waiting for an answer.  
  
"No. That's not what it wanted. It didn't want you dead, luv. It wanted you alive. Well, sort of." He again lost the courage to look at her, instead focusing anywhere but where she was.  
  
Realization set in, and understanding took over her features. "So... you were gonna turn me." Her voice was gentle. Too gentle for the subject they were speaking about. Surprisingly, he neither felt nor heard any anger from her.  
  
"I'd never... I couldn't."  
  
She began rubbing the healing mark, unaware that she was doing so. "Was it hard? To stop?" she asked.  
  
His head snapped up, eyes squinting in disbelief. "Buffy... don't ask me that." His tone was harsh, almost scolding.  
  
"I want to know. I need to know what it was like... for you."  
  
"No... you don't." A look of annoyance was settled on his face. "Believe me, slayer. It's best if we just leave it alone. Forget it."  
  
Pointing toward her neck, she shook her head. "Gonna be kinda hard to do that. Don't you think?"  
  
The guilty feeling tried stepping up to the forefront again, but Spike pushed it away, instead putting himself on the defense.  
  
"You wanna hear how I enjoyed it? Felt you under me, tasted your blood and didn't want to stop until I took every bit of it? Is that what you want to hear?!"  
  
She tried not to let him intimidate her, knowing it was his intention to make her want to change the subject. She wouldn't let him.  
  
"It's what I want to hear if it's the truth."  
  
He sighed when he realized he wasn't getting out of it. "Vampire, remember? What do you think?!"  
  
She looked at him calmly, not paying attention to the sarcasm in his question. "I think you wanted it. I think you've always wanted it."  
  
"Is that so?" He pushed his hands into the pockets of his coat and waited for her reply.  
  
"It's in your nature, Spike. I've never forgotten that. It's what you are. But I also know you never tried to act on it, even after you found out you could. That's the part I always had a hard time remembering. I accused you of a lot of things. Of being a monster when you changed everything not to be."  
  
"It's in the past, luv."  
  
"No. It's not. It's always here... between us. I'm sorry for treating you like I did. I never even considered how hard it was for you to control it. You could have had that one good day you were looking for, and you didn't."  
  
"But this morning..."  
  
"This morning, you could have killed me. You fought back and let the man overpower what the demon craved. That took guts. More strength than I would have had if I were in your place. Especially with The First there. I just wanted you to know I understand. I don't blame you."  
  
He took it all in, and moved closer, sitting on the bed beside her when she acknowledged it was okay.  
  
"Buffy... I never would have hurt you. I was just confused... afraid. I wasn't thinking straight. You have to believe it would never happen again."  
  
"I know, Spike, and I do. The First has a way of using things. Twisting them. I know that. I've seen what it can do."  
  
"You keep saying that. What did it do to you?"  
  
"I told you it appears usually in the form of someone you want to see. Well... I saw you. You'd been gone so long and I was afraid something had happened to you. Not knowing was killing me. The First showed up, looking like you, and I was so relieved. But then I realized something was wrong. It said things. Did things. Then I knew....."  
  
"What kind of things? Did it hurt you?" His voice was angry and protective.  
  
"No, Spike. It just made me realize how much I wanted you to come back. How much I needed you here. There was so much I wanted to apologize for."  
  
"I'm sorry, luv. Had some things to work through. Never intended to come back here. Didn't want to face you."  
  
"I thought you loved me." Her eyes were hopeful, but full of pain knowing he'd tried to stay away from her.  
  
"You know I do. It's not a question of that. I've just done so much, Buffy. Things I have a hard enough time dealing with without troubling you about them. You deserve something better."  
  
"What, are you taking lessons from Angel now? Angel, Giles, now you? Everyone always knows what's best for me! How about what I want?"  
  
"What is it you want, pet? You're never very clear on that. I only seem to recall you wanting one thing from me. And I never denied you that, because you wouldn't allow more."  
  
She closed her eyes, settling back into her pillow. It was now or never.  
  
"I want you, Spike. I want you to love me the way you used to. As much as I tried to deny it, I always saw it in your eyes. Now when you look at me, I see pain... and regret. I don't want you to look at me like that anymore."  
  
"You want me how? As your lapdog? Someone to chase you around so you can feel wanted?"  
  
"I want you to love me so I can love you back."  
  
He was stunned hearing the words escape her lips. For three years he'd dreamt of the moment when she would say she loved him. It felt surreal and conflicting at the same time. His gaze melted into hers when he felt her reach out, taking his hand in hers.  
  
"We need to think about this, Buffy." He almost couldn't believe the words he was saying. They flowed out without any rhyme or reason. Well, reason maybe.  
  
"I'm done thinking, Spike. I'm tired of denying what I feel just because I'm afraid. I heard what you said to me earlier. You said we had a connection. And we do. And it does burn. But that's what makes it so good."  
  
"There's other things to consider, luv. Other obstacles." He still couldn't believe he was fighting her. She was offering herself the way he'd always wanted. Why was he making excuses?  
  
"Kitara?" she asked, annoyed having to speak her name.  
  
"For one."  
  
"You don't love her, Spike. I know it. Stop trying to convince yourself she's what you need. Believe me, you don't need her."  
  
"Your friends. Your watcher. Can't see anyone being too happy about it." 'Shut up, Spike. What are you doing?!' the voice in his head screamed.  
  
"I can deal with them."  
  
"What if we can't do it without resorting back to the way things were? We weren't good for each other. You know it."  
  
"We can be. We've both changed. I want you, you want me... it's that simple."  
  
He made a gesture to open his mouth but she pulled him toward her instead, cutting him off.  
  
"Just shut up and kiss me, Spike."  
  
He sighed heavily, the battle lost, and he smiled. A smile years overdue. He slowly reached her lips, gently spreading them with his own, before relishing in the softness of the kiss. Tender and slow, built on love and intimacy instead of the urgency and desperation they'd previously know.  
  
"I'm tired, Spike. I need to sleep. Will you stay here with me?"  
  
"No place I'd rather be, luv."  
  
He stood up, stripping out of his duster, throwing it over the chair beside them. He took his place, lying along side of her, letting her feel the love in his embrace. Realizing it was the first time she'd actually allowed him to hold her, he wrapped his arm even tighter, pushing his body closer against hers. He watched intently as she drifted off. He chuckled softly to himself recalling the day's events. If he'd known it would turn out this way, he would have bitten her a long time ago. He shook his head at the amusing thought and relaxed, allowing himself to join her in sleep.  
  
TBC 


	20. Belonging

Chapter 20  
  
Belonging  
  
Giles was pacing, contemplating whether or not to barge into Buffy's room or leave them be. He'd allowed himself to forget how dangerous Spike could be. He was still a vampire.... soul or not. In Buffy's weakened state, fighting him off in an altercation would definitely prove to be more than she could handle.  
  
He turned toward the stairs, moving up several before changing his mind. Turning around, he returned to the living room and grabbed a book to help focus his attention elsewhere. His thoughts kept betraying him, working their way back to the pair upstairs. He knew he should trust in Buffy's judgment, although that hadn't always worked out so well. He thought back to the time of Angelus and the results of the turmoil the vampire had caused. Hours of torture at the hands of angel's demon self made the watcher an expert on the subject. Buffy had been lucky with her former lover. He'd merely played with her, taunted her, out of love for the game. It was always a game to him. If he'd really intended to kill her, he would have no doubt been able to do it.  
  
Now there was Spike. Though the vampire was different than most, no qualms about it, he still couldn't trust in Spike's ability to remain tame. Giles realized early on that Buffy had an undeniable pull toward the darker side. Discouraging her when he could, he found controlling her to be much more difficult. It hadn't surprised him to find out she'd been sleeping with Spike. It fact, 'irony' was the word that had come to mind. He was just surprised it hadn't happened sooner. He'd always felt something between them, convincing himself it was just the vampire-slayer dynamic. Sex was something he could handle... believing she could feel true emotion for the vampire was another.  
  
Dealing with the subject of Spike having a soul was something he was completely unsure about. The fact that he had intentionally sought it out should have been admired, yet somehow he couldn't convince himself to give the vampire the due credit. He'd also said he had done it for Buffy. Giles wasn't quite sure what to make of that. Was it just to win Buffy's favor? Spike had always been one to scheme and plot to get the things he wanted. This would prove to be right in line with his obsessive personality.  
  
Either way, the events of the morning were weighing heavily on his mind. Though trust was not a word he would usually associate with Spike, he never imagined something so drastic as what he'd done earlier. It made no sense. Without the chip, other people.... maybe. But he'd never believed Spike would physically hurt Buffy. Giles had been more worried about the emotional damage in being involved with another vampire.  
  
As more time went by, he began to feel tenser, wishing he could hear something from the room upstairs. He would have heard her scream had there been trouble, but by then it would have been too late anyway. No match for vampire speed. He recalled a time when Spike had called him an over-the- hill librarian. These words actually rang true now that he thought about it. Though reluctantly, knowing he had no choice, he decided to respect Buffy's wishes and leave them be.  
  
Another hour passed with no word when Angel and Kitara finally came bursting through the door.  
  
"I don't know where he is, Giles. He just vanished." Angel stated, with agitation in his voice.  
  
Pulling his eyeglasses from his face, Giles looked up from the book he was reading and answered casually, "He's here. Upstairs."  
  
"What?! Are you out of your mind?!" Angel wasted no time waiting for an answer, storming up the stairs, with Kitara following closely behind him. Giles ran after them, glad to finally have someone else on his side.  
  
Angel slammed the door open, stepping inside, taking in his surroundings. In a flash, Spike sat up, jarring Buffy awake.  
  
"Bloody hell! Can't you people knock?!"  
  
Two hands answered him, yanking him roughly off the bed.  
  
"You don't know how much I'm gonna enjoy this, Spike."  
  
The two men were poised, ready to attack. Angel threw the first couple of punches with Spike easily blocking them.  
  
The blonde smirked and bellowed out a taunting laugh. "What's the matter, mate? I thought you were looking for a fight? You seem a bit off your game."  
  
Angel grabbed him by the shirt, pulling him closer. "You're not worth the energy, Spike." In a quick movement, his hand retrieved a stake from the pocket of his coat.  
  
Before he could draw back to stab, the two men were pushed apart and sent sprawling in opposite directions. Buffy stood between them, eyes filled with anger. "I told you two before to knock it off! What part of those words don't you understand?!" she yelled, looking from one to the other. She was still weak and was in no mood for the heroics being displayed.  
  
"Buffy.... I don't think you realize what he did." His focus stayed on Spike, waiting for any sudden move.  
  
"I do know, Angel. Believe me. But it's between us. We've worked it out and I don't need you interfering." She glanced at Spike, lying on the bed where he had landed from her shove, and caught the gloating smirk on his face. "And you! Stop trying to piss Angel off. Just makes it worse for everyone."  
  
He looked up at her, a dumbfounded expression replacing the smirk.  
  
Angel tried to bite back his anger. "We are talking about the same thing, right? Buffy, he bit you!" He reached up, trying to caress the wound on her neck.  
  
She pulled away, pushing his hand down before he could touch her.  
  
"It wasn't his fault. It was The First. It was controlling him the way it did with you." She turned and made eye contact with Giles, who had been standing in the doorway, watching the show. "Giles, you know what this thing is capable of."  
  
"Yes.... well.... I just thought...." He was afraid to meet her eyes, aware that she would see the embarrassment behind them.  
  
"I know what you thought. What all of you thought," she added, pointedly looking at the three figures watching her. "You're so fast to make judgment. It's like you're sitting back waiting for Spike to screw up. Well, I've got news for you. I trust him more than anyone else in this room, and if any of you have a problem with that, you don't have to be here."  
  
An awkward silence filled the room, no one attempting to argue.  
  
"I'd like to get some sleep now, if you don't mind," Buffy stated, gesturing toward the door.  
  
Reluctantly, Angel, Giles and Kitara slowly stepped out, retreating back downstairs, leaving Buffy and Spike alone in the room. She caught a much- needed breath and climbed slowly onto the bed.  
  
"Are you alright, luv?"  
  
"No, Spike. I'm tired, I hurt everywhere, and I just want all of this to be over with."  
  
He pulled her toward him, letting her melt into his arms, taking in the feel of her body snuggled against his.  
  
"You'll find a way. You always do." He smiled gently, brushing her hair away from her face. "Thank you for that. For what you said to them."  
  
"I meant it."  
  
"I'm not used to it. I'm not usually on the receiving end of your kindness."  
  
"I told you things are different. We've come a long way, Spike."  
  
"That we have, luv. Hasn't been a bloody picnic either."  
  
She looked up, giving him her best Buffy Summers smile. "Yeah. You were such a pain in my ass."  
  
"Pain in 'your' ass?!" he blurted out.  
  
"Yeah. You're the one who kept trying to kill 'me', remember? The first time in the school? Halloween? Sending the Order of Taraka?! What was that all about?!"  
  
"Only because you deserved it, slayer," he answered in a playful tone. "You kept mucking up all my plans."  
  
"Yeah, well... I should have dropped a bigger piano on you. Although I should get points for originality."  
  
He gave her an exasperated look. "Originality! You put me in a bloody wheelchair!"  
  
"Consider yourself lucky, it could have been an urn." She smiled again, enjoying the taunting going on between them. Things hadn't felt this comfortable with him in a long time. She realized how much she missed just having his company.  
  
Bickering came to an end, and they remained silent, as he lightly caressed her arm that was wrapped around him. He felt her relax and then removed himself, rising from the bed, grabbing his duster off the chair.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Just out for a smoke. I'll be back."  
  
"Try not to start anything, okay?"  
  
He gave her a sly smile as he slid the coat over his shoulders. "'S not in my nature, luv."  
  
She gave him a look of warning, no words needing to be spoken.  
  
"I'll be good. Promise." He leaned down, brushing her lips with his. He was still in awe that he could touch her without having to worry about being scolded afterward. Finally, things were looking up.  
  
"You get some rest, luv. Slayer healing can only do so much if you're exhausted."  
  
"I will. Hurry back, okay?" He nodded, and turned to leave. "I love you, Spike."  
  
He stopped dead in his tracks, a shiver running down his spine. The words were music to his ears. Turning around to face her, he returned to the bed, gazing into her eyes. She pulled him back down, catching his lips, the kiss more desperate than the others. Lost in her touch, he hadn't realized her hands were quickly unfastening his belt. He reluctantly pulled away, knowing he would curse himself for doing so later.  
  
"Not now, luv. You need to preserve your strength." He felt a touch of remorse when he saw the pout appear on her lips. "Believe me, there's nothing I want more. But we have all the time in the world. Get better first."  
  
She ran her fingers through his tossled hair with one hand, and traced the smooth outline of his face with the other. "I do love you, Spike. I should have admitted it sooner."  
  
He pulled away before his body gave in, already feeling the results of what being so close to her was doing to him. He stood up, repositioned and buckled, then coaxed his legs to head for the door. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. 'Yeah, this was definitely where he belonged,' he thought happily to himself.  
  
Spike headed down the stairs, avoiding the others who where all gathered in the living room. He walked passed them and made his way outside, stopping only when he reached his normal spot in the yard. Cigarette in hand, he leaned against the tree, keeping his eyes focused on Buffy's window.  
  
He turned his attention toward the front door when he heard a noise on the porch. He waited, trying to catch a glimpse of the person who had come outside, hoping it hadn't been Angel. Regardless of Buffy's warning, it was just too hard not to toy with him, and knew he would get himself into trouble. He figured the best thing to do was to steer clear of the other man for a couple of days. He relaxed a little when he saw Kitara step around the pole and head down the porch steps into the yard. He tensed again when he realized she was moving in his direction. He knew he would have to talk to her eventually about what had happened between them, but had hoped to avoid it for the time being. She continued to move toward him, any hopes he'd had that she hadn't seen him, pushed away. He'd have to face her whether he wanted to or not. When she finally stepped in front of him, he flicked the used cigarette to the ground, grinding it under his boot.  
  
"Look, Spike. Let me start by saying I don't know exactly what happened between you and Buffy. I've only heard bits and pieces. All I know is when I woke up, you were gone."  
  
"I'm sorry, luv. Didn't have time. Buffy was..."  
  
"In trouble... I know." She cut him off, irritation crisp in her voice. "I guess I knew she'd be your first priority. I was just hoping after last night, things would be different."  
  
He stayed silent, not wanting to hurt her feelings more than he already had.  
  
"I'm guessing by your lack of response that it didn't mean anything to you."  
  
He met her eyes, catching a hint of anger in them. "I'm sorry, pet. Things just got... what happened between us..."  
  
"You don't have to say it, Spike. I already knew you would regret it."  
  
"It's not that I regret it. I just needed someone... something..."  
  
"You wanted her and she wasn't there. I was available."  
  
He wanted to disagree, but knew she was right. "Kit, maybe if things were different... but Buffy...." He leaned back against the tree again, a long deep breath escaping his lips. "I'm sorry, Kit. I never should have gotten you involved in this. It really wasn't fair to you."  
  
"No, it wasn't. I just didn't realize how much you still loved her."  
  
"Neither did I." He pushed his hands into the pockets of his duster, allowing his eyes to wander back toward Buffy's bedroom window. Pulling out his zippo, he tilted his head, lighting the cigarette he'd grabbed along with the silver lighter.  
  
"So that's it then?" she asked, already knowing the answer before she asked.  
  
"Guess so. But I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. Wasn't my intention."  
  
"Yeah...well.... I hope she's worth it. Seems to me she's more trouble than you need."  
  
He ignored her comment, beginning to walk toward the house, hoping she would take the hint. Things were bad between them, and talking about it right now wasn't going to make it better. He was also anxious to return to Buffy.  
  
"Spike. Wait a minute," she called, causing him to turn back around to face her.  
  
"What is it, pet?"  
  
She moved closer, within touching distance, and grabbed his coat to pull him to her.  
  
"It's not supposed to be like this. I tried to do things the easy way. Now you don't leave me any other choice."  
  
"What are you talking about? I'm sorry things didn't work out, but you knew how I felt about her. I belong with Buffy."  
  
"Sorry, Spike.... but there's some that would disagree. A slayer and a vampire? Get a grip."  
  
He knew she was hurt, but couldn't hold back the anger at her words. "I'm not much for other people's opinions, luv. You can keep 'em to yourself."  
  
She laughed, catching him off guard. "Oh, it's not me. I could care less if you're doing the slayer. It just doesn't work out well for the opposing team. You could have made this simple and stuck with me."  
  
"Opposing Team?" He gave her a confused look, not paying attention to her hands moving up to rest on the sides of his head.  
  
"It's all about sides, Spike. And you're on the wrong one."  
  
She pressed on his temples, closing her eyes, as she began a low chant. He tried to pull away, but found himself lost in an almost hypnotized state. The process took only minutes, but left him unconscious, lying on the ground. Kitara smiled, goal accomplished, and stepped around the vampire, making her way back toward the house. She took a deep breath and grinned, ready to put on her false act for the others, knowing things were about to get much more interesting.  
  
TBC  
Again, thank you so much for the reviews!!! Makes my day a little brighter!!! 


	21. Confusion

Note: For the timeline of this story, Spike's crypt was always the same one, even though I know he didn't move in until after he was chipped. It just made better sense for my story, so that's the way it is!! Enjoy!  
  
******************************  
Chapter 21  
Confusion  
  
Buffy awoke from a sound sleep, casually patting the empty bed beside her. She opened her eyes, glancing around the room, and realized the sun was shining beyond the shaded window. She turned to note the time on the clock. 10:00 A.M. Where was Spike?  
  
Sitting up and stretching her arms behind her head, she pulled sore muscles and tight limbs, but noted she had vastly improved overnight. Feeling much stronger, the pain of her injuries all but gone, she scooted herself off the bed. After the events of the previous night, she found it odd that Spike hadn't returned to join her. Standing in front of her dresser mirror, she leaned in, finding the now healing scar on her neck. Buffy looked up, talking to her reflection. "Some slayer you are. Bitten by four vampires."  
  
She shook it off, ran her hands through her mussed hair, and left the room on her venture to find Spike. Passing through the living room, all was quiet, no one in sight. She felt a little unnerved, and stepped into the kitchen, finding Kitara sitting alone at the table. 'Great, just who I wanted to see,' she complained to herself.  
  
"No picnic for me either," the other woman exclaimed, taking a sip from her coffee cup.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, realizing her not so subtle thought had been spoken out loud. "Where is everyone else?" she asked, trying to be nice about it.  
  
"Still sleeping. Up pretty late with the books. Getting nowhere either if I might add."  
  
"We will. We'll find something soon." Buffy felt proud the conversation was going so well.  
  
"Whatever," Kitara answered dryly.  
  
'Spoke too soon,' was the next thought, spoken silently this time. Buffy ignored her response and turned to the cabinet, grabbing a box of cereal.  
  
"Willow and Kennedy went to L.A. Probably a wild goose chase, but Wesley thought he might have found something."  
  
Buffy found Kitara's negative vibe annoying, but was happy to have the information. She'd realized the house seemed empty, but with all of the commotion had forgotten to ask about it the previous night. She nodded, turning back toward the table.  
  
"You haven't seen Spike, have you?"  
  
Kitara cocked an eyebrow, seemingly surprised by the question. "Figured I'd ask you the same thing, since my bed was a little emptier than it had been the night before."  
  
Buffy looked up, surprise taking over her expression.  
  
"Don't look so shocked. Where do you think he was while you were out getting your ass kicked?"  
  
Buffy felt the bile rising in her throat, and couldn't form a coherent word.  
  
Kitara smiled, a gloating grin on her lips. "Poor Buffy. Couldn't control your pet vampire. You've been so hot and cold, someone had to do it."  
  
"Shut up," she warned, the only thought she could muster.  
  
"He is a man, after all.with needs. And you know, you should have told me how he does that little thing with his."  
  
Kitara was cut off with a backhanded slap to the face. She reached up, rubbing her cheek, a gloating smile plastered on her lips.  
  
"I told you I get what I want." She stood up from the table, glaring at her opponent. "You'd better be careful, Buffy. It's getting so hard to sort your friends from your enemies now days. The one you love just might turn out to be the one that kills you."  
  
Buffy clenched her fists, controlling the urge to pound the bitch into the ground, and took another avenue. "Get out of my house." Her tone was low and menacing.  
  
"I think I will," she taunted, dismissing the threat. "I was getting rather bored here anyway."  
  
Buffy watched as Kitara turned, heading for the side door leading outside. "Try not to miss me." And then she was gone.  
  
Buffy fought back the tears that were trying to form, quickly pushing them back. Now wasn't the time to be weak and weepy. She'd deal with Spike and Kitara's little tryst later, or maybe she wouldn't. After all, Spike told her he was trying to move on, and she knew Kitara could manipulate herself into any situation. She was sure she'd manipulated herself right into his bed. But that happened before last night. She was with him now, and that was all that mattered.  
  
She opened the door to the basement, stepping down the stairs, hoping to find him down there, disappointed when she met an empty room. Buffy began to get a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. Running back up as fast as her feet would take her, she continued searching through the house. She stopped at the bathroom and began to panic, knowing he wouldn't be in any of the other bedrooms. She went to Dawn's room and pounded on the door.  
  
After a moment, the door opened and Giles stood with an annoyed expression in front of her. "Good lord, Buffy. What is it?" he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
  
"It's Spike. Something's wrong. He's gone and we need to find him."  
  
He closed his eyes and sighed as he shook his head. "What do you mean he's gone?"  
  
"I mean he went outside last night for a smoke and he never came back. I'm worried Giles. He wouldn't have just left."  
  
"Or maybe he did something smart for once in his life and listened to what we were telling him."  
  
Her voice rose, anger seeping through her words. "What is your problem?! Spike is as much a part of this team as anyone else! You've been riding him for so long, I don't think you know how to treat him any different! He deserves more from you!"  
  
"He's a vampire, Buffy. And 'you' deserve more than that!"  
  
"Get over it! I love him and you're just going to have to deal with it!"  
  
Her words caught him off guard. He'd assumed as much, but hearing it out loud brought his assumption to life. He bit back the remarks he wanted to say, and simply asked, "So what do we do?"  
  
"I'll go get Angel. I'd say he could track him, but it's daylight. We're gonna loose a lot of time waiting for it to get dark."  
  
"Go get him and I'll meet you downstairs. What about Kitara?"  
  
Buffy turned without hesitation. Halfway down the hall she answered, "She's gone."  
  
*********************************  
  
The previous night....  
Spike rolled over, coughing up a mouthful of dirt, and tried to open his eyes. His hands shot to his head, the pain so intense it felt like his brain was being ripped in two. Maybe he'd downed too many bottles of one thing or another, but he couldn't remember having drank anything at all. In fact, he didn't remember anything.  
  
Ignoring the pounding in his head for a moment, he glanced around trying to pinpoint his location. It was dark, probably around midnight by his calculation, and somewhere familiar. That tree. He knew that tree. His eyes widened. And that house. He rose to his feet, anger building deep within him. "That bitch!" he screamed. "I bet that bloody slayer has something to do with this!"  
  
He paced, contemplating barging in and ripping her head off, then realized he'd never be able to make his way through the barrier of the house. After his last visit, she was sure to have done a 'keep Spike out' spell. Besides that, he had to find out why he didn't remember anything and what had happened for him to wake up lying on the ground in her front yard. He calmed himself, deciding to head back to his crypt to sort things out. Hopefully, Harmony wouldn't be too much of a nuisance. If she knew what was best, she'd stay out of his way tonight.  
  
He turned, barely making it out of the yard, when he spotted a woman walking down the street. An idea formed, and he headed out after her. Stupid bint, being out alone at this time of night. Didn't she know what a reputation Sunnydale had? Oh well, her loss and all that rot. He jogged up to her, attempting not to scare her in the process.  
  
"Wait up, luv," he called from a few feet behind.  
  
She stopped, turning toward him, pepper spray in hand. "What do you want?"  
  
He held up his hands, a defeated mocking gesture, and walked closer. "Just wanted to tell you to be careful out here all alone. Don't know what kind of nasties are out and about this time of night, pet."  
  
"I can take care of myself," she answered, gesturing toward her weapon. "Who are you, anyway? Think you're Billy Idol or something?"  
  
He scoffed. "Never heard that one before, luv."  
  
She relaxed a little and smiled. "I'm Tina," she said, holding her hand out to greet him.  
  
He reached out as if to shake it, and grabbed her arm, pulling her into him. "Hello, Tina. The name's Spike," he answered, an almost seductive tone coating his words.  
  
She tried to scream when she saw the features of his face shift from man to demon, but was cut off by his hand over her mouth.  
  
"Uh uh, there'll be none of that. No screaming within earshot of a slayer, pet." In a flash, sharp teeth were imbedded into her flesh, draining her life. When she fell limp into his arms, he picked her up, making his way toward the house to carry out the rest of his plan. If he couldn't kill the slayer, he'd make damn sure she knew he'd been there.  
  
He quietly eased onto the porch, finding the swing to be the perfect place for the girl. He laid her down, positioning her so as to make her comfortable. Looking at her lifeless body, a moment of regret passed through him. Where'd that come from? "Get a grip, Spike," he preached, feeling a bit odd as he pushed the guilt away. He shook his head and focused on his plan. He had to leave something. Something so unmistakable, she would know for certain it was him. He began searching his pockets, pulling out an unexpected object from his duster.  
  
"Bloody hell," he exclaimed, throwing the stake off the porch as if it had burned him. "That's bloody dangerous, mate." He shook it off and resumed his search. Finding nothing else, he finally decided to leave the one thing she was sure to know. He placed his lighter in the dead girl's hand, and turned to leave. Being fond of the zippo, he'd just have to remember to return for it later.  
  
He strode down Revello drive, a stagger in his walk, proud of his accomplishment. He was feeling better and his head had begun to stop aching so much. The borrowed blood was warming his body, and he knew there would be a brassed off slayer in the morning. Life was good, he decided, as he headed toward the crypt. In this mood, maybe he could find some uses for Harmony after all.  
  
Arriving home, he threw open the door and stepped inside.  
  
"I'm home, baby!" he called to.. Nobody?  
  
Looking around, the shock of what he was seeing had yet to register. Confusion was the only thing that came to mind. He walked back outside, a dumbfounded look appearing on his face, and glanced at the outside of his home. 'Yep.. My crypt,' he told himself, hoping he'd gone to the wrong place.  
  
He slowly walked back inside, looking for any signs of Allan Funt or hidden cameras. It looked like his crypt, but the décor was definetly not. Something was way off. He stood in the middle of the unfamiliar scene. "What the bloody hell is going on?"  
  
TBC  
  
*****************************  
  
Please please please leave feedback! I thrive on it!!!!!  
  
I think I may have lost some of you after the last chapter. I know they just got together! Just stay with me... it'll all work out in the end!!! 


	22. Lost

Chapter 22  
*********************  
  
Lost  
Spike fumbled around the crypt, an eerie feeling enveloping him, as he searched for any sign of familiarity. The furniture, décor, everything down to the television sitting in the center of the room, was different. He let out a maddening laugh, anger and curiosity both playing an equal part in his emotional state.  
  
Someone had really gone to a lot of trouble just to mess with his mind. He began doubting his earlier assumption of the slayer. This was too cunning a plan for her and her pals, even on their best day. With an imaginary scoreboard in his head, he quickly marked Buffy off the checklist. Who else was there? He'd made many enemies over the years, but who could accomplish something as drastic as this?  
  
Too lost in thought, he failed to hear the patter of feet behind him, until the sound of something hitting the floor grabbed his attention. He swirled around, fists up, ready to go at it.  
  
"Spike! Man, you scared me!" came a voice from in front of him. An assortment of ding-dongs and various brands of potato chips were cluttering the area. Spike's attention was drawn to a wide-eyed, wrinkled demon gathering up the fallen objects. "If I'd have known you were coming, I would have gotten some hot wings."  
  
Confused and caught off guard, his anger got the best of him and he charged at the unknown trespasser. They toppled over, both landing with a heavy thud against the crypt wall. Spike was up and on both feet before the demon knew what was happening, preparing to attack again.  
  
"Who are you and what are you doing in my crypt?!" he yelled, reaching down to pull the demon up by his collar.  
  
"What are you talking about? If you wanted it back, all you had to do was say so."  
  
Spike looked curiously at the creature in front of him. Finding him not to be an immediate threat, he slowly backed off and released his hold.  
  
"Wanted it back?! Are you daft?!" His hands reached up to rub his temples, trying to ease the pounding that had begun again. Turning away, he began pacing the floor.  
  
"Okay, Spike. What's going on? Does this have anything to do with what happened earlier before you ran out of here? What was that about anyway?"  
  
The vampire stopped long enough to glare. "Do I know you, mate?"  
  
His question rewarded him a surprised gasp. "Have you gone completely bonkers? It's me! Clem!"  
  
He searched his memory and came up with nothing. Spike's irritation was steadily growing. He turned back to the stranger, approaching him with uneasiness and caution.  
  
"I'll give you to the count of three to tell me what the bleeding hell is going on!" He was now standing toe to toe with the demon, awaiting an answer to his demand.  
  
"Spike, I don't understand. Calm down and we can talk about it, okay buddy?"  
  
"One." His voice was low, the threat eminent in his stance.  
  
"Wait! Wait! No counting! I'm sorry about the bonkers remark! I take it back!"  
  
"Two." As Spike grew more restless for an answer, his hand found it's way up to the cowarding demon's neck, squeezing just enough to threaten him.  
  
"I don't know what you want me to tell you!" Clem argued, noticeably frightened of the vampire for the first time since meeting him.  
  
"Last chance."  
  
"Maybe we should call Buffy."  
  
Spike's eyes widened, and a small frown appeared on his lips.  
  
"Wrong answer."  
  
With angered force, he grabbed his victim, flinging him with a roll onto the floor. Clem struggled to get back up, making it only halfway before Spike was on him again. Loud cries sounded, the terrified voice of the demon being drowned out by the maddening sounds of a vampire on the attack. Unleashing his anger, he began pummeling the intruder, throwing punch after punch, tearing and ripping the loosely hanging skin around his face and upper body. His intention was to make someone pay, and this person beneath him was good enough for now.  
  
Clem struggled, trying to push Spike off, but found himself no match for the vampire's strength. He closed his eyes, praying for the beating to end. He couldn't comprehend what could have caused this kind of rage. Spike was his friend. Always had been. Until now.  
  
Spike finally ended his assault when he realized the movement had stopped beneath him. Leaving the demon unconscious, Spike stood up, gasping for unneeded air. A flash of a memory clouded his vision for a moment. He saw himself, much in the position the stranger was in, with the slayer standing over him. Her voice ringing out, cold and fierce. "You don't have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you!"  
  
He growled in frustration, wiped the confusing thought from his mind, and ran from the crypt. He had to get away, at least until he could find some answers.  
  
***********************************************  
"What do you mean Kitara is gone?" Angel asked, now sitting on the sofa, watching Buffy pace back and forth in front of him.  
  
"I mean she's a bitch and I threw her out. Any more questions?"  
  
"Buffy, what are you talking about?" Giles added.  
  
"Look, she might have you guys snowed, but she's not someone we can trust. Believe me."  
  
"I've known her for a while, Buffy. She's never given me any reason not to trust her." Angel argued.  
  
"It's just a feeling. A bad one, and I'm not taking any chances with everything that's going on."  
  
Buffy had stopped mid step to argue her point, then began her pacing ritual again.  
  
Giles watched her momentarily, and then spoke. "Are you sure you're not just jealous because of Spike? We all saw how you reacted when she first arrived."  
  
She stopped again to look at him. "No. I mean yes. I mean... it's more than that. There's something off. I just don't know what."  
  
Angel shook his head in frustration, convinced it was just Buffy's imagination. He decided to change the subject and get down to why they were here. "So what happened last night? Spike left and then what?" he asked, trying to calm Buffy who had now resumed her onward motion.  
  
She glanced toward Giles, and then to Angel. "Nothing. We were talking, he left to go smoke, and I went to sleep. That's it. He said he was coming right back."  
  
"Oh dear."  
  
Buffy's eyes fell on the man sitting at the table, hand pinching the bridge of his nose in a worried fashion.  
  
"What Giles?"  
  
"Kitara. She followed him out. I didn't think anything of it at the time."  
  
Buffy sat down beside Angel. "And then what?"  
  
"Nothing," he answered. "She came back in, said she was tired and headed for bed."  
  
Angel took in the panicked look on Buffy's face. "Maybe they had a fight. I'm sure she wasn't too happy seeing him with you. Knowing Spike, he probably went out to cool his jets and drank too much. I bet he's somewhere sleeping it off."  
  
"I don't know Angel. It still just doesn't seem...." A sudden pounding on the front door cut off her words. They all jumped at once.  
  
"Buffy! Get out here!"  
  
Buffy was at the door in a flash, opening it to find Xander and Anya waiting on the porch, eyes wide with fear.  
  
"What's going on?! What's wrong?!" Buffy shouted, suddenly afraid of the intense looks she was receiving.  
  
Anya stepped back, nose wrinkled, and pointed sheepishly to the direction of the swing in the corner. Buffy's eyes shifted, almost afraid to see what they were staring at. She suddenly felt ill at the sight in front of her.  
  
Angel appeared behind her, under the roof of the porch, taking careful cover from the sun. He took no time to gaze before he was next to the girl, examining what had happened.  
  
"Vampire." He spoke in a matter of factish tone.  
  
"But who would? Why would someone do that?" Anya asked, taking her eyes off the dead body in front of her.  
  
Angel looked down and narrowed his eyes, noticing the object in her hand.  
  
"I'll give you three guesses, Buffy. But I bet you'll only need one."  
  
She looked at him with confusion, instinctively reaching out to catch the object he'd tossed to her. Her heart sped, that gnawing feeling returned to the pit of her stomach as she turned the smoothed metal around in her hand.  
  
"Spike." she whispered softly, almost a question, but coming out as more of an answer. "But how?"  
  
Giles approached her from behind. "Spike's killing again."  
  
"He wouldn't! And he can't! Remember? The chip!"  
  
Angel stepped forward, surprised by her lack of information. "The chip's gone, Buffy. Has been for a long time."  
  
"So there's nothing stopping him? He could just come and kill us right now?!" The panic was present in Xander's voice. Memories of an earlier, unchipped Spike terrorizing Sunnydale poured through him. "I hate to say I told you so, Buff."  
  
His comment warranted an evil glare. Buffy held her defensive position, refusing to believe the inevitable. "Wait a minute. This can't be happening. His soul! That would stop him! Right?" She looked at Angel hopefully.  
  
"I don't know, Buffy. Not until we know what set him off."  
  
She was trying hard to be strong, dismissing the urge to curl up and block out everything around her. "We need to think. The First. It has to be. Maybe it's controlling him."  
  
"It's a possibility. But we can't count out the idea that he may just be evil again. Perhaps after feeding from you." Giles pointed out.  
  
Xander glanced at Giles, still trying to take it all in. "Evil Spike as in 'I'm evil but I'm in love with Buffy in a sick and twisted, deeply disturbing kind of way'? or 'I'm evil and there's nothing I want to do more than kill Buffy and all of her friends'?"  
  
Everyone's expressions were evenly matched as they stared blankly in amazement.  
  
"Thank you for your perception, Xander. It was most helpful. Don't do it again." Giles scolded.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "What are we missing? Something happened after he left the room. But what?"  
  
"He found me, that's what." Clem approached the porch, all eyes falling on him at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Oh my god!" Buffy gasped at the sight of his battered face. She rushed toward him, feeling the need to help, but also found herself fighting the urge to look away.  
  
"Spike did this?" Xander asked, trying to hide the look of disgust at Clem's disfigurement.  
  
"Looked like Spike......talked like Spike...but it sure wasn't Spike. He's gone nuts, talkin' crazy. Besides that, he had no idea who I was."  
  
"What do you mean he didn't know who you were?" Buffy asked, a puzzled expression settling on her face.  
  
"I mean he didn't know me. I went shopping, needed to stock up on some chips and dip, you know? By the way, you know that new store over on Maple Street? Good deals! Buy one get one on any brand....." He stopped when he noticed the annoyed look he was receiving from the slayer. "Oh, sorry."  
  
"And then what?!" she asked, frustrated by his rambling.  
  
"I got home, and Spike was there, acting like he owned the place. Well..... I guess when you really look at it...."  
  
"Clem!" Buffy shouted.  
  
"Sorry! Sorry! Anyway, he kept asking me what was going on and why I was there. He didn't have a clue who I was. Just got mad and started wailing. Actually, I think he did that after I mentioned you," he stated, realizing what had thrown Spike into such a fit.  
  
The others listened silently, the same pained looks overtaking them, as they let Buffy play the interrogator. "So he just left you there?"  
  
"I guess so. I woke up this morning and he was gone. I came right over here. Figured you'd know what to do," he said, staring hopefully at the blonde in front of him.  
  
She looked around, lost and confused, finally resting her eyes on Giles.  
  
"What could do that? If he doesn't remember..."  
  
"We don't know what he remembers and what he doesn't, Buffy. It's clear something happened to him. Maybe a spell?"  
  
"Kitara."  
  
All eyes traveled to Angel. He glanced around and focused on Giles. "You said Kitara went out after him. Maybe she was more upset than I thought. Maybe she wanted revenge."  
  
Buffy's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Huh?"  
  
"It's what she does. Did Spike tell you anything about her, Buffy?"  
  
"Not really. I pretty much figured out she was a hoe bag bitch all on my own," she answered sarcastically. "But what does that have to do with anything?"  
  
Angel rolled his eyes. "Let's go inside and I'll explain it. It's a bit unnerving out here for me," he answered, glancing toward the sky beyond the porch. He turned and began to head for the door, everyone following behind him.  
  
"What about her?" Anya asked, pointing to the dead girl on the swing. "We can't just leave her there. She might have family, and for all we know, he might have turned her."  
  
"Go on inside," Giles answered. "I'll take care of it."  
  
Buffy nodded. Now was one of those times she was really glad to have Giles here to 'take care' of things. They left him to the task at hand and returned inside. Before they were even situated, Buffy began the interrogation. "So what about Kitara?"  
  
"Well, it's possible she could have done this to Spike." Angel answered, trying to gauge her reaction. "I don't know if you were told, but she's part demon. Trecloff demon actually."  
  
"Which means what?"  
  
"It means she has the ability to erase things. Feelings, emotions."  
  
"Memories?" Buffy asked, cutting him off.  
  
He shrugged. "I guess. I've only seen her dismiss emotions caused by certain memories, but I suppose she could blank out the whole thing if she wanted to."  
  
"We have to find her. And we have to find Spike. Before he...."  
  
"Before he decides to snack on half of Sunnydale?" Xander asked, with a sarcastic smirk curled on his lips. "But I won't say I told you so... again."  
  
"Xander! We don't even know exactly what happened!" She still felt she had to defend him, even though, inside she feared the worse.  
  
"He's right, Buffy. If Spike is back to what he was like before, there's no telling what he might do. Try to remember what he was like before the chip. There's only one thing we know for sure." Angel stated. "He's always been obsessed with slayers and you weren't any different. He's gonna come after you."  
  
TBC  
  
*************************************  
  
Thank you so much for feedbacks! Very good for a writer's soul!!!!! 


	23. Bad

Chapter 23  
  
Bad  
  
Spike meandered aimlessly through town. He knew he needed a plan. 'For what? I don't even know what the bloody hell's going on!' he complained to himself. He tried to determine what else might be different. Obviously, Harmony was gone. Didn't figure she'd stick around too long after he'd tried to stake her anyway. No big loss there, but his crypt being taken over, 'Now that's a bloody nightmare.' A halfway decent crypt was hard to come by these days. And then he wondered just exactly what he had been doing before he woke up in the slayer's yard.  
  
He recalled returning from L.A. after trying to retrieve the Gem of Amara. The ring he'd worked so hard to find, just to have Buffy hand it over to 'Angel the supervamp.' 'Bloody stupid profession Angel had picked up, too,' he thought. 'A vampire trying to help all those insipid humans? Stupid wanker thinking he could be redeemed after the things he'd done.' He would have had a good laugh if he hadn't thought it was such a pathetic sight. He really believed someone should have let Angel in on the secret. 'Once a vampire, always a vampire. End of the bloody story.'  
  
So here he was, back in Sunnydale.again. His mind was still wandering, full of questions. 'What is it about this place that keeps drawing me back? The hell mouth, sure.' That was as good a reason as any, he supposed. 'Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.' He already knew the answer. He'd always been a sucker for a go at a slayer, and Buffy was a cute one at that. 'Bloody awful taste in men though. That last ponce.Parker was it? Surprised she gave him the time of day.' Suddenly, Spike realized where his thoughts had taken him and inwardly cursed himself. He shouldn't have given a rat's ass about the slayer's love life. He needed to kill her and be done with it. 'Okay, top of the to-do list' he thought, 'but maybe I'll have a drink first.'  
  
The direction he'd been heading lead him straight to Willy's bar. A drink and some conversation with the town snitch might do him some good. Willy might even have some useful information for him. Maybe he knew about a curse, a spell, something that might explain why his mind was going so loopy. Any explanation at this point would be helpful.  
  
He entered, heading straight for the bar and the man behind it. Willy was a slippery weasel, but he was the one person who knew everyone's business in good ole Sunnydale, demon and human alike.  
  
"What'll it be tonight, Spike?"  
  
"The usual. Bourbon, straight up. And keep 'em coming." Spike rested on the stool, throwing his cigarette pack onto the bar. "You heard anything lately? Something 'bout the slayer or her superfriends?"  
  
Willy placed the shot glass in front of the vampire and sat the bottle beside it. "Nah. Not really. Why are you asking me though? Figured you knew just about everything there is to know about Buffy...from what I heard."  
  
There was an innuendo in his voice that made Spike a bit uneasy. "And why is that, mate?" he asked, as his eyebrow rose in question. He lifted the glass, swallowed the contents, and quickly refilled it.  
  
"I'm just sayin'.no. Haven't heard a thing." Willy wasn't in the mood to go through one of Spike's 'moods' and gave up furthering the earlier remark.  
  
Deciding to let the man off the hook, Spike continued another line of questioning. "Any new demons in town? Someone looking to start some trouble?"  
  
"What's bugging you? Something got you spooked?"  
  
He downed the drink and refilled the glass again. "Things just been a bit wonky 's all. Tryin' to sort it out."  
  
A voice sounded from behind him. "I think you should sort it out somewhere else. We don't take too kindly to traitors like you."  
  
Spike spun around on the stool to face a vampire staring coldly at him.  
  
"Did I ask for your opinion?" he remarked, a cocky frown pursed on his lips.  
  
"You're not welcome here. Me and my friends over there," he stated, pointing to the several vamps in a nearby corner, "are gonna see to it that you get what's comin' to you."  
  
Spike smiled wickedly, sliding off his seat, stepping close. "I get it. Tough guy talk. Don't think you could do much more, especially from the looks of that lot," he answered, pointing to the other vampire's 'gang'.  
  
"Five against one. I'm sure you wouldn't have much of a chance." The other vamps stood up, making their way to stand behind their leader.  
  
"You'd better be more than sure, mate. That's just the kind of odds I like." He smiled coyly, his tongue wrapping along the bottom of his teeth.  
  
Catching the vamp off guard, Spike grabbed the stool he'd been sitting on. Just as his opponent struck, the blonde ducked beneath his fist, slamming the chair to the ground. He reached for the broken leg, spinning it around in his hand. Making his way back up, he plunged the wood forward, hitting the target in front of him.  
  
"One down, four to go," he yelled, finding himself now surrounded by the rest of the group.  
  
A kick to his chest sent him sprawling into a table, and he heard the distant cries of the bar owner, begging them to stop wrecking his establishment. He laughed viciously, enjoying the release of his demon. Now adorning his vampire features to match their own, he charged back into the middle. He let loose, making quick movements, overpowering all four opponents in record time. The same splintered stool leg was used to send the victims bodies into a pile, to be swept up like leftover dirt.  
  
Panting wildly as though he needed to catch his breath, Spike retreated back to the bar. He shook off the demon, reached for his glass, and finished the shot. "Poncy buggers thinking they could take me. Who'd they think they were dealing with?" he complained, taking a cigarette from the pack. "Bloody lack of respect is what it is."  
  
Willy watched him with confusion as Spike lit up and inhaled. "You should know you're taking a chance every time you come in here, Spike."  
  
"A chance at what? With the service you got in here, I'm surprised you have any clientele at all! A bloke can't even drink in peace without being harassed!"  
  
"You have to admit they had a point." Willy argued.  
  
Spike eyed him, his brow raised in puzzlement. "Come again?"  
  
"I'm just saying, with what you and the slayer's got goin' on....well, you can't blame some folks for being twitchy."  
  
Spike's expression turned to aggravation. Finishing off the last drag on the cigarette, he smashed it out on the bar, ignoring the ashtray beside him. "What are you yammerin' about?"  
  
"You know. Working with Buffy....killing other demons. You're bound to catch some flack."  
  
"Working with the slayer?! Has everyone in this town gone completely mad?! The only work I'm gonna do with the slayer involves cutting her up into little tiny slayer bits!"  
  
Willy shook his head, picked up the butt and began wiping the bar, unaffected by Spike's colorful use of words. "You two fightin' again?"  
  
Spike clenched his jaw in anger and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. "Somebody put a stake in me.please."  
  
Willy leaned down, pulling Spike with him, and whispered softly, "Better not say that too loud in here. Some guys most likely to take you up on that offer."  
  
Spike pulled away harshly. "Oh bloody hell!"  
  
"You can say that again."  
  
Both men turned their attention to the attractive brunette who had walked in the door. She approached Spike, looking determined and on a mission.  
  
"I was told I could find you here," she remarked casually.  
  
He gave her the once over, his eyes slowly traveling from top the bottom.  
  
"Uh huh. And who's to thank for that?" he asked, his voice low and husky.  
  
"You'll find out soon enough. But you and I need to talk. Can we go somewhere a little more.Cozy?"  
  
Taking little time to decide, he grabbed his cigarettes and the bottle beside him, turning back toward the woman. "What do you have in mind, pet?"  
  
She motioned him with a finger, urging him to come to her. "The name's Kitara. And I believe I have the answers you're looking for. You willing to play?"  
  
"You're talkin' my language, sweetheart."  
  
"Then let's get out of here."  
  
********************************  
  
Buffy tensed at hearing Angel's words.  
  
"He's always been obsessed with slayers and you weren't any different. He's gonna come after you."  
  
She pondered it for a moment and forced the thought away. "I'm not worried about it. I can hold my own against Spike." Buffy glanced down, knowing she was lying to them as well as to herself. She also knew he was a better fighter now, and she hadn't had to truly go up against him in years. "We need to find him. The rest we can worry about once we do."  
  
"Buffy, don't take this lightly," Giles demanded, stepping through the front door to join them. "Don't let your feelings cloud your judgment. Spike is dangerous."  
  
She grit her teeth in frustration. "I said I could handle it!"  
  
"Can you? I'm not so sure."  
  
"Giles..."  
  
"Buffy!" he interrupted with anger. "Think about what we're dealing with! Spike. Has. No. Chip! Nothing to stop him from killing you...or anyone else for that matter!"  
  
"He has a soul, Giles! Somewhere deep inside he has to realize that!" she argued, only halfway convinced herself.  
  
"Try telling that to the girl he murdered," Xander answered coldly.  
  
Buffy glared at the man standing across the room, and blatantly ignored his comment. "All we have to do is find Kitara."  
  
"You think it's that simple?" Anya asked. "Cuz I don't think she's just gonna fix him because you asked her to."  
  
Buffy replied, sarcasm dripping from her voice, "Don't worry. I'll say please."  
  
Angel stepped forward, trying to calm the tension building in the room. "Look, we're only assuming it was her because it's the only thing we have to go on. 'If' she did do this, we don't even know if it can be reversed."  
  
"Looks like you guys need to hit the books then," Buffy stated, heading for the weapons chest in the corner of the room. She opened the lid and began rummaging through the items inside. She pocketed two bottles of holy water and several stakes. "Find out anything you can about the type of demon she is. We need to know how she does it, and if she can undo it."  
  
"What are you going to do, Buffy?" Giles asked.  
  
"I'm gonna find Spike and bring him back here."  
  
Silence fell over the room, everyone looking at her as though she'd gone mad. She sighed heavily at their reactions.  
  
"Look guys, I know what I'm doing."  
  
"Besides inviting a recently dechipped vampire into your house for his own personal all-you-can-eat buffet?" Xander asked.  
  
She eyed him angrily. "This is not up for debate! I'm going to find Spike and bring him home," she stated, taking each word slowly so no one could misunderstand. "We have to help him. I think we all owe him that much."  
  
Anya hesitantly looked toward Buffy. "What if he doesn't want to be helped and just kills you? Then what?"  
  
"I guess you'll figure that out if it happens, huh?"  
  
Giles shook his head. "Buffy. I hope you do realize what you're doing. If Kitara is unable to change things....recover his memory...you know what you'll have to do."  
  
She rested her eyes on Angel, the hurt of past memories flooding their way in. "I know, Giles. I've been there. If it comes to that...."  
  
"You should wait until dark and let me go with you," Angel interrupted. "We'll have more of a chance with the two of us. Besides, he'll probably be holed up somewhere waiting for night. Gonna be hard to find in daylight."  
  
"No. It'll drive me crazy waiting here. I have to do something."  
  
"Angel's right, Buffy. Don't be stupid," Giles hissed. "Spike's not going anywhere. You're not up to your full strength and you're going to need someone to back you up."  
  
Her eyes found the carpet, staring motionless as she debated what to do. Giles stepped closer, placing his hands on her shoulders, waiting for her to look at him.  
  
"Buffy," he urged, his voice softer and filled with concern. He continued when her eyes finally glanced up to meet his. "Please do me this one favor and wait until Angel can go with you."  
  
As much as she wanted to rush out the door, she saw the deep down care and fatherly love Giles usually tried to keep hidden from her. She crumbled, feeling the need to give him something back.  
  
"Okay. I'll wait," she answered in defeat. "I'll bury myself in pages of old and dusty books and try to pretend Spike's just out for a walk, okay?"  
  
"I know this is hard. I won't pretend to understand how you feel about him. But I promise, if we get him back, I'll stand behind you if it'll make you happy."  
  
She smiled. A genuine smile that expressed without words how much she appreciated his trust in her. She pulled away, heading off the threatening waterworks before they began.  
  
Giles grabbed her hand, pulling her back to face him. "When you go, be careful. The First is out there, too. Don't let Spike deter you from the bigger picture," he warned.  
  
"Giles, to me Spike is the bigger picture. Everything else....The First, the ubervamps, just another day on the hell mouth."  
  
***************************  
  
TBC 


	24. Heat

I know the rating says PG13. As a warning before you go any further, I'm sure this chapter crosses the line. Definite R rating!!!!  
  
Readers beware!!!!  
  
******************************  
Chapter 24  
Heat  
Spike let the mysterious woman guide him a few feet toward the door. She had an heir about her that compelled him to follow. Attractively dressed in 'come take me' leather and lace, Spike found his head no longer making his decisions for the rest of his body. It had been awhile after all....or at least it felt like it had. Either way, he couldn't recall. He let his eyes roam the contours of her body, resting on the skirt that barely covered her, showing off her slim, well-toned legs. He decided a romp with her, willing or not might just take his mind off the fogginess in his brain.  
  
"Uh, Spike?"  
  
He turned back around to face Willy, raising an eyebrow at the man's intense gaze. The bar owner cleared his throat while he simultaneously pointed at the bottle the vampire was holding.  
  
"Oh. Yeah." Spike half-heartedly patted himself down, came up empty in the form of payment and casually shrugged his shoulders. Ignoring the complaints coming from the man behind the bar, he turned and continued to walk through the exit.  
  
He felt Kitara close behind him, her body almost up against his. A grin curled on his lips as thoughts of sex and blood filled his mind, and he consciously made a decision. He was done taking care of women. They always turned out to be too much time and trouble for the limited benefits of keeping them around. He could reap just as much from a stranger and not have to worry about the incessant prattling that came afterward. Sex and the kill. That's what it was all about. He'd found over the years that hunting willing victims was an easy feat for him. A little charm, a bit of attitude, and he could have them screaming for more before they even knew what bit 'em.  
  
This time would be no different, although he was a little anxious to determine what she wanted with him. Stopping halfway down the alley, he leaned up against the wall, sliding a cigarette between his lips. 'Play it cool, Spike,' he thought to himself as he pushed the zippo back into his pocket.  
  
"So what's your story, luv?"  
  
She turned to face him inching her body close. "I heard some things that might interest you... thought I'd share."  
  
"And why's that exactly?" he asked, letting out a stream of smoke.  
  
"Gave me an excuse to meet the infamous William the Bloody. See if you're really as big a bad as everyone claims." Her eyes slowly shifted, drinking him in from head to toe. "But I can see those claims weren't mistaken."  
  
Her voice was dripping with innuendo and Spike realized this was gonna be easier than he anticipated. Maybe a little too easy. "Is that so? What makes you think I won't drain you dry and leave you to rot right here? Vampire, yeah?"  
  
"Cuz I know the curiosity must be killing you. I can feel it...the way you're looking at me." Her fingers found the butt hanging loosely from his lips and she removed it, tossing it aside. "I can already tell you want me, Spike."  
  
He tried to think of a snarky comeback, but failed miserably when she pushed her body against his. Closing his eyes, a breath escaped him when her hand traveled to the outline of his zipper.  
  
"You're already hard for me," she whispered, cupping him through the material of his jeans. "Is it true what they say about vampires? Stamina and all?"  
  
He managed a few coherent words. "Never..." a short moan of pleasure, " heard any... complaints." The comment was followed by another moan, and he knew he was in trouble. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the aggressor. Strange women did not seduce the big bad.  
  
"You can have me, Spike." She reached up to nip his bottom lip with her teeth. "Any way you want me.....if you do what I want you to do."  
  
There was a catch. Always had to be. He dropped the bottle he'd been tightly gripping and let it fall to the ground with a crash. In one smooth movement his hands reached around, hiked up her skirt, and cupped her ass. The absence of garments underneath gave him a hint as to the kind of girl she really was. He squeezed and pulled, grinding her exposed thigh into his tightly clad erection.  
  
"Any way I want?" he asked with a roll of his tongue.  
  
"That's what I said," she answered moving her leg to rub against his jeans.  
  
Suddenly, with a quickened force, he changed the position, turning their bodies, giving him the upper hand. He had her pushed against the brick and roughly pinned to the wall before she could complain. His mouth found hers, pushing her lips open enough to force his tongue inside. She groaned with delight and he knew he had her.  
  
He pulled back, sucked in his finely sculptured cheeks, and ran his eyes down the entire length of her body. "So what'd you have in mind, pet?"  
  
"The slayer," she answered, cutting her answer short when she felt his fingers slide up the inside of her thigh. Mouth opened in shocked pleasure, she released a moan when his thumb brushed against her clit.  
  
"What about the slayer?" he asked, watching her face react to the pleasure he was giving her. A little firmer...a finger slipping inside....a wiggle, a twist...  
  
"Heard she's been," a breathless gasp, "doing magic. Her and the witch." She closed her eyes, head tilted back, barely able to stand on weak legs as he slid in and out finding just the right spot.... She grabbed the sleeves of his duster, using his arms for support. Now a second finger.....  
  
"Oh god, Spike...."  
  
He knew she was close, and slowed his movements. "Uh uh uh...not so fast," he sing-songed. "Information first."  
  
She tried to calm her breathing, opened her eyes, and found him staring at her with an intense gaze.  
  
"They've been messing with," another moan, "demons. Some sort of confusion spell, I think. Heard it screws with time, memories...."  
  
"Good girl," he whispered, allowing another finger inside, pulling and stretching, readying her. He was painfully hard, throbbing against his zipper, waiting for just the right moment...  
  
"I thought we could do something about it," she offered breathlessly, her focus still on the hand bringing her to the edge.  
  
""Is that right?" His free hand slowly worked its way down the flat of his stomach, catching his belt buckle, unfastening it with ease.  
  
"Uh huh," she moaned. She began moving in time to the pace he had set, meeting the thrust of his fingers with a slight rock of her hips. "I heard you've done... a couple.... of slayers." Each word came after a deep and concentrated breath.  
  
"I have," he answered, now pulling the buttons on his jeans loose one by one.  
  
"I figured if we worked together.....it shouldn't be too hard..." She stopped with a slight pout when his fingers pulled out, leaving her empty and craving more.  
  
"You want to kill the slayer then?" He gripped with one hand, pulling himself free, while lifting her up, allowing her to wrap her legs around his body. With a quick thrust, he was buried to the hilt.  
  
"Oh yes," she cried. He wasn't sure if it was from the action or the question, but ignored it just the same. He concentrated on the feel of her tightness, wrapping and squeezing him with every movement.  
  
Just one more question. He felt there was more to it, and had to ask. He stopped his movement, pulled back to look into her eyes. "Why are you out for blood? What do you have against the slayer?"  
  
She paused, took a deep breath, letting her lungs fill with the cool night air. "Because she tried to take something that was mine. The bitch deserves to die."  
  
He felt her anger, her need for revenge, the blackness that was filling her, and he let loose. He began to pound into her, grabbing her ass, angling her to get the best leverage. She reached for his hair, pulling him to her chest, and urged his lips to nip at her protruding nipples.  
  
Spike was entranced, aching, throbbing, and waiting for release as something familiar overcame him. Another flash of a memory hit him. Buffy again. Up against the wall, an alley, her heat surrounding him. Cries of pleasure... hers or his? Maybe both. He closed his eyes blocking out the images. Craziness didn't suit him.  
  
He watched as Kitara bent her head back in pleasure, oblivious to anything around her but the feel of him inside. Now it was time to claim his victim. She was too lost to notice when bones shifted, and Spike's demon emerged. He raised his head to her neck licking gently, just as she cried out, an intense wave of shudders passing through her.  
  
He allowed her to ride out her orgasm, enjoying the feel of her body clenching and flexing, pulling him deeper inside.  
  
She finally calmed enough to open her eyes, and felt a moment of terror as she saw the eyes of a vampire staring back at her. She tried to pull away, but he had her in an iron tight grip, still buried deep inside.  
  
"There's only one thing wrong with your little plan, luv."  
  
She didn't answer, frozen by the fear of feeling his fangs so close. Her eyes clenched shut when a growl emerged, and she felt her skin being attacked and torn by razor sharp teeth. She tried again to fight, finally able to omit a scream, but realized it was only making him plunge his fangs deeper. She began to weaken quickly with the rapid loss of blood. Soon, everything faded to black and silence enveloped her until there was nothing left.  
  
Spike finally found his release, coming in long, cold spurts the moment her blood entered his mouth. He sucked ravenously, not wanting to waste a single drop of the thick substance coating his throat. Long gulps filled him, warming his body to human temperature. It made him feel alive. The only description he'd come up with in over a hundred years. He dragged it out, waited until he felt her heart slowing, slowing, almost there... Sensing the beating had stopped, he pulled out of her.  
  
His fangs retracted as his features returned to human. He dropped her lifeless body to the ground, and tucked himself back into his jeans.  
  
"Sorry, luv. I work alone. Bloody partners get you in trouble every time."  
  
He leaned down, reaching in the one small pocket hidden in her skirt. He hoped for money, but came out with a key and a card. Even better. A hotel key. He'd have a place to stay after all.  
  
He stared at her for a brief moment before rising back up. Placing his hands in the pocket of his coat, looking for his cigarettes, he fished one out ignoring that irritating feeling that was bubbling up in his stomach again. The feeling that he'd done something wrong. He willed it away. What could possibly be wrong with this? A good shag. A good kill. Exactly what he needed.  
  
He turned and headed down the alley, intent on making it to the hotel and catching a good day's sleep before tomorrow night. He had big plans for the slayer and he needed to be ready. If she was the one who had done this to him, she was gonna pay. A smile curled on his lips as he imagined what Buffy's expression would look like when he sunk his teeth into her flesh. Part of him knew she would like it. His demon knew she would crave it. All slayers did, it was inevitable. They were just too ashamed to admit it.  
  
TBC  
  
*********************************  
  
Sorry for the delay... This was a tough one.  
  
I've had several people ask if I could send a notice when I update. If you're interested, send me an e-mail and I will make an update list. Thanks a lot for all the input!!! You guys are great!!!!  
  
Fuel the fire and please feedback!!!!! 


	25. Sleepless

Warning: Again definite R rating.....  
Chapter 25  
Sleepless  
  
Spike walked briskly to the small, run down motor lodge for which he now had a key. Dawn was coming soon and he needed to figure out which room Kitara had been staying in. He opted for trying the key until he found the correct door. As luck would have it, the knob turned easily on the third try. He let himself in and glanced around at his surroundings. A vacant hotel room. No clothes or personal belongings. There was nothing to indicate the girl had been there at all. Maybe she'd come looking for him after just arriving in town. He silently wondered if he should have waited to find out exactly what her story was. He shrugged his shoulders, dismissing the thought and opted for a long, hot shower. No use worrying about things he couldn't change.  
  
Buffy tried to contain the nervousness she felt building up inside. She was anxious for the sun to set so she could search for Spike. Paging through volumes of books, she could hardly concentrate on the words she was trying to read, much less worry about the prophecy that might or might not exist. Spike was all that mattered right now. She thumbed through several chapters until one caught her attention. She skimmed through the text and smiled. After book marking the page, she placed the book beside her. She'd have to remember to move it to her room later so she'd have a better chance to look over it. She'd keep it hidden until she felt she could ask about it, knowing Giles would never approve.  
  
Standing up to stretch her legs, she casually looked around the room. Her eyes stopped on Clem, taking in the full sight of his wounds. It was still hard to believe Spike was the one to have done it. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves and decided to take a break. Heading into the kitchen, she poured a cold drink and sat down at the table.  
  
"You doing okay?" Angel asked walking through the door.  
  
She looked up from the glass she'd been staring into and replied to his question. "Not really. I just want to find him and figure out how to fix it."  
  
"What if it can't be fixed?" He moved around the table, pulling out a chair to sit down beside her.  
  
"I don't know." Her eyes traveled down to keep him from seeing the pain in her expression.  
  
He allowed her a moment and then spoke. "Yes, you do."  
  
Her eyes met his again. "I know I said I could....but I don't think I'd be able to do that. Not again."  
  
"You'd do what you have to. You always do."  
  
"Not this time. I won't kill him. If it comes down to it and it has to be done, it won't be me."  
  
He nodded, understanding the struggle she was facing.  
  
"I love him, Angel. I know it hurts you to know that, but it's true. It took me a long time to admit it, but I know what a good man he is." She found his eyes, gauging his reaction. When he didn't speak, she continued. "He deserves our help and I'm gonna do everything I can to get him back."  
  
"Even if he's out killing again?"  
  
"Especially if he's out killing. He has a soul now. You should know what that's gonna do to him!"  
  
"No. I don't. His soul should stop him from killing. If it doesn't, then what's the point?"  
  
She shrugged, not knowing how to answer. If his soul didn't stop him, what was the point of having it? Did it really make a difference? He had seemed like the same old Spike to her with or without it. She closed her eyes, remembering their conversation in the basement. He'd told her she really hadn't known him before his chip. Long before the soul. She'd really forgotten the vampire he was when she'd first met him.  
  
"Maybe you should call Willow. We might need her help."  
  
She blinked, trying to focus on Angel, pushing thoughts of Spike out of her mind. "Yeah. I'll see how fast they can make it back. She could do a locator spell. It would make it easier to find them both that way."  
  
He agreed, reaching over to squeeze her hand. "I can tell how much you care about him. I'll never like it, but I'm okay with it."  
  
She smiled. "Thank you. That means a lot."  
  
She watched him leave and called Willow to explain the situation. It would be a couple of hours before they would arrive, so she decided to join the others and make herself useful.  
  
She went back to the books, still finding it too hard to concentrate. Her mind was racing in so many directions, not knowing what to expect when she found him. She glanced around, noting everyone's lack of attention on her, and opened the book she'd found earlier. She read through it, deciding it was perfect for what she had in mind. Now all she had to do was wait.  
  
After Spike finished his shower, he made his way to the bed, turning on the television as he went. He threw the towel aside and climbed in under the blanket. As he settled in, his mind wandered to his crypt and the demon that was occupying it. If this was some elaborate scheme, where was all his stuff? It would have taken some time to make that kind of switch.  
  
He then concentrated on trying to remember anything from before he woke up. He could still remember driving back from L.A., but that was it. That was where it stopped. He didn't remember arriving in Sunnydale, meeting up with anyone, or anything that would have left him lying in the slayer's yard. Why would he have been there anyway? Wouldn't she be on campus?  
  
His head began to ache again. No doubt a result of the spell or whatever it was he was under. He was anxious for night to fall so he could find out exactly what it was she did to him. If Kitara had been right, Buffy would have a lot of explaining to do, and then a lot of paying. A wicked smile curled on his face as images of exactly how he would make her pay played out in his mind. The slayer would be his next victim before the night was over. He closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him. He dozed off with thoughts of Buffy still swarming in his head.  
  
He saw images of a teenage girl standing before him high on a platform. He felt fear at the thought of not protecting her. Though he didn't recognize her, he felt it was someone he deeply cared for. Her screams made his stomach knot, as he felt himself being thrown from the tower. He began to fall, feeling defeated and guilt laden for not doing what he was supposed to. He saw the earth rising to meet him and closed his eyes waiting for the impact of the hard surface.  
  
After a moment, he opened his eyes to find himself lying in a dark cave. Two eyes glowed in the distance, slowly moving toward him. His body burned, the bones broken and his skin battered. He felt it hard to move but managed to sit up on his knees, curious to his surroundings. The demon approached in silence. He felt there was something missing. What was he forgetting? A memory long forgotten where bits and pieces were lost but the puzzle wasn't finished. A hand touched him and he screamed out in pain. He was on fire. His chest threatened to burn him from the inside out, but he couldn't escape it.  
  
Spike sat up in the bed, his chest rising and falling in long, hard breaths. He was panicked beyond all comprehensible thought. Glancing around the room, the fear dissipated a little when he recalled where he was. He'd been dreaming. A nightmare, but only a dream nonetheless. He lay back on the pillow, trying to relax, but pictures of the girl bombarded his thoughts. The girl with the long, brown hair and dark eyes he felt he should know, but couldn't place. He turned his head to look at the clock. It was already late afternoon. 'Soon,' he thought as he closed his eyes.  
  
Before long, he fell into another dream, more pleasant than the previous. He was in his crypt lying on a soft surface. The aroma of perfume was lingering in the air, mixed with the smell of sex, sweat and burning candles. He felt someone approaching but realized his eyes were covered. He was blindfolded, and upon trying to move, realized he was also tied with his hands above his head. His body tingled with the sensation of someone climbing above him. Hands found his chest, her fingers barely touching the surface of his skin, moving slowly up his arms. Warm lips placed small kisses on his skin, working their way up his chest to his lips. His mouth parted, allowing her tongue access inside. Definitely human. Too warm to be a vamp. He tried to speak between hungry kisses, but warranted a shush from the stranger. She traveled down the sensitive part of his neck, her blunt teeth biting and nipping along the way. A chill ran down his body when he felt cool air at his ear and felt her tongue slip inside. He tried without luck to pull his hands down as he bucked wildly upward with his hips. She giggled, quickly moving away, disappearing from his body.  
  
He could hear her in the distance and called for her, already knowing he wouldn't receive a reply. He felt the bed move below him and was surprised by a sudden wet heat surrounding his shaft. Her tongue dipped at his head, causing him to moan in pleasure. He wanted the blindfold off. He wanted his hands free to roam and feel and grab. She quickened the pace, her lips moving up his entire length before sinking back down to the base. He began to pant, his whole body tensing with the antissipation of his release. He felt a hand cup his balls, toying and teasing as her mouth continued its descent and then back up again. Over and over she'd bring him to the edge, then slow her actions, leaving him on the brink of orgasm.  
  
He was breathing heavy, moans escaping him as the feeling intensified. A growl sounded from deep in his throat causing a slight chuckle from the girl between his legs. She sped up again, knowing she had him right where she wanted him. Thinking she was finally going to let him come, he cried out when he felt a hot liquid splatter his chest. Another splatter to his nipple, and down to his abdomen. Hot wax. She was pouring candle wax on his body. The sensation of her mouth and the heat on his skin was enough to send him over the edge. He came with a yell hard and fast, surprised when he felt her swallowing, not letting a drop escape her.  
  
When he was spent, she pulled away and finally spoke as she began to untie the scarf around his head. "I know it wasn't foreplay, but I figured I could find a use for the candles."  
  
The blindfold now gone, he gasped as he stared deep into Buffy's eyes with amazement and fear.  
  
"What?" she asked, surprised by his reaction.  
  
"Slayer?!"  
  
He opened his eyes to the deserted hotel room, the only sound coming from the television at the foot of the bed. The dream lingered, and his eyes traveled the length of his body, stopping at the bulge beneath the sheet. His hands made their way to his erection, stroking quickly, bringing himself off with the picture of the slayer in his head. Her mouth, her hands, her body surrounding him. He glanced down at the mess he'd made and cursed his brain for having such a stupid dream. Shagging the slayer. Now that was a nightmare. He balled up the soiled sheet and threw it over the edge, determined to finish the last couple of waiting hours in a dreamless sleep.  
  
A smile appeared as he drifted off, his thoughts again returning to Buffy.  
  
TBC  
  
So sorry for the wait guys! Busy busy busy! You know, real life stuff.LOL. Hopefully the next one won't be so long coming...  
  
As always, thanks for the feedback!!!!! 


	26. Meeting

Chapter 26  
  
Meeting  
  
Spike woke a few hours later, unrested and agitated from his dream filled slumber. He rubbed his eyes, pushed his fingers through his mussed hair and swung his legs around to the side of the bed. Murmuring profanities under his breath, he found his discarded clothes and began dressing. Deciding he'd feel better once he was out in the cool night air, he grabbed the room key from the dresser and headed out for what he hoped would be a fun-filled yet informative night.  
  
*********************************  
  
Buffy, Angel, Xander, Anya, Giles, Kennedy and Clem sat silently watching as Willow poured the white sand into the shape of a circle onto the living room floor. She sat the map of Sunnydale in front of her and took her place in the center.  
  
"Do you have something of Spike's?"  
  
Buffy nodded, pulled the lighter from her pocket and rubbed it between her fingers before handing it off. Willow took the object, giving a look of encouragement as she placed it in front of her on the map. Pulling open a small jar, she sprinkled the map with a light powder and waited. Almost immediately a glow emerged.  
  
"He's somewhere near The Bronze." Willow stated, handing the lighter back to Buffy.  
  
"Good. Should be easy to find then," she answered back, already putting on her jacket, preparing to leave.  
  
Willow grabbed Kitara's sweater she'd taken from the girl's room in the Hyperion hotel and chucked it into the center of the circle. Again, she sprinkled the powder onto the map, waiting for the familiar glow. When no results came, she sprinkled a little more.  
  
"What's the problem?" Buffy asked, a slight scowl taking over her features.  
  
"I don't know," Willow answered, confused by the lack of the eminent glow. "She's not here."  
  
"What do you mean?" Angel asked, stepping forward beside Buffy.  
  
"I mean she's gone. Her essence. It's like she doesn't exist."  
  
Slayer and vampire glanced at each other, not knowing what to think.  
  
"It doesn't matter. We'll do it without her! Let's just find Spike," Buffy stated harshly, heading for the door. "Get some rope ready and find something in those books that can tell us how to get him back!"  
  
She was already out the door with Angel on her heels before anyone could answer. Anxious and petrified, she lead the way toward The Bronze, knowing it wasn't 'her' Spike she was going to find there. 'Her Spike,' she repeated to herself as they walked in silence. When exactly had he become 'her' Spike? When he chained her up and confessed his undying love for her? When he'd withstood the torture inflicted by a hell god for her? When he'd become the only one of her friends she felt she could confide in? Friend. Not the word she ever thought she would use when referring to Spike. But that's what he was. Friend. Confident. Lover. 'Her' Spike.  
  
"Let me go in first," she told Angel when they finally arrived outside the club. "He'll know something's up if he sees you. Wait here.I'll try to lure him out."  
  
"Don't think you'll have to," came the reply from Angel, gesturing toward the alley. "He's there."  
  
"Stay here!" she yelled, suddenly feeling the reality of the situation.  
  
***************************  
  
Spike held the sobbing girl against the wall, pushing her long, brown hair away to expose the tender skin beneath her ear.  
  
"If you're a good girl, this won't hurt. Well.not much anyway," he added with a glint of humor in his eyes.  
  
His face shifted, revealing the demon as he licked the flesh and allowed his fangs to brush against her neck.  
  
"I'd get away from her."  
  
Spike pulled back as his yellow eyes narrowed into a glare. His voice was deep and threatening. "Slayer."  
  
He whirled around, letting go of the frightened girl to see Buffy standing at attention behind him, stake already in hand.  
  
"Run!" she screamed realizing the woman was too paralyzed with fear to move. "Now!" she repeated frantically. The victim finally retreated, running down the alley, disappearing out of sight.  
  
Spike let out a deep agitated sigh, rolling his eyes toward the sky. "Bloody hell, slayer. Should have known I could count on you."  
  
"Wouldn't want to disappoint you, Spike."  
  
"That mean you're offering to take her place?" His voice faded as his eyes trailed down her body.  
  
"You wanna meet this up close and personal?" she threatened, holding the stake up in full view. He stepped back, allowing his human guise to re- emerge  
  
Buffy was surprised how easy it was to resort back to the same old bickering they'd shared years ago. Years ago when he still wanted to kill her. This was 'her' Spike and he 'would' try to kill her if she wasn't careful.  
  
"I didn't come here to fight." She spoke softly, letting the stake fall to rest at her side.  
  
"Well that should make things easier for me," he replied, stepping closer again.  
  
"You need to listen to me, Spike."  
  
"I'd rather fight." His arms flew up, allowing the momentum for his leg to sweep around, catching her in the ribs.  
  
She pushed him off, sending him flying backward into the wall. Not enough to stop him, he charged again only to be halted by Buffy's fist connecting with his nose.  
  
"Bloody hell!" he screamed, reaching to wipe the trickling blood away. Always the nose.  
  
"Shut up and listen!" she demanded, annoyed by his un-cooperation. "I'm calling a truce here! Time out!"  
  
He smugly laughed. "We're mortal enemies. We don't get time outs," he belted, throwing her own words from long ago back at her.  
  
"Something happened to you, Spike," she answered ignoring his comment.  
  
He settled back, dropping his stance, and pulled out his cigarette pack when he realized she was serious. He searched his pocket for a moment until Buffy realized what he was doing. She pulled out his lighter, tossing it toward him.  
  
"Looking for this?," she asked coldly as he caught the silver object in his hand.  
  
A coy smile appeared on his lips as he lit a cigarette and pushed the rest back into his pocket. Buffy watched while he inhaled deeply and allowed the excess smoke to linger away.  
  
"Have you been noticing anything? Anything strange?"  
  
Spike figured he'd play along, maybe getting the answers he needed. "Time going wonky? Memory a bit fuzzy? That the kind of strange you're talking about, slayer?"  
  
"That would be it," she answered, glad he was at least being honest with her.  
  
"Yeah? Well, it's been bloody annoying. Whatever you did, undo it so I can get the hell out of this sodding place." He paused, reflecting. "I'm thinking somewhere warm and tropical."  
  
Buffy ignored the sarcastic joke. "Undo it? You think I did this to you?!"  
  
"Been told as much. Couldn't quite figure it to be anyone else."  
  
"It wasn't me, Spike. I wouldn't....." She stopped, realizing he wouldn't believe her even if she said it. "Who told you that?"  
  
"No one important. Now are you gonna explain? Or are we gonna fight this out?" he asked, dropping his finished cigarette to the ground.  
  
His attention was diverted and his eyes wandered cautiously around him. There was something familiar. His nostrils flared, catching the scent.  
  
"Well, well." He glanced toward Buffy. "Where 'is' tall, dark and broody? You might as well come out....I know you're there!" he called to the dark alley.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Buffy answered, trying to play at being confused.  
  
"Don't think you can fool me, slayer. I'd know that scent anywhere..."  
  
"Hello, Spike," Angel spat, appearing in front of the blonde vampire.  
  
Spike looked nervously between his two enemies, ready to counter any sudden moves. "What is this?!"  
  
"We just need to talk to you," Buffy answered trying to sound non- aggressive.  
  
He glared at Angel with eyes that spoke a zillion words. "Surprised you're moving around so good. I'll have to remember to do better the next time I have you tortured. Maybe if I do it myself...."  
  
Angel's expression hardened, realizing the truth of Spike's words. He recalled the hours of pain he'd endured as Spike stood back and gloated. "I'd like to see you try," he offered.  
  
Buffy jabbed Angel in the side, reminding him of why they were there.  
  
"That's enough! Are you both idiots?!! I can't believe either one of you managed to live past a century!"  
  
Her outburst warranted a dumbfounded look from both men. "We're here to help you, Spike."  
  
He looked pointedly at Angel. "Where's my sodding ring?!!" he demanded.  
  
"The ring is gone. History."  
  
"Stupid git! Like I'm supposed to believe that!"  
  
"Believe whatever you want, Spike. You're in for a hell of a surprise." Angel answered.  
  
Buffy could see the thought process in Spike's brain turning and took the moment to try to talk sensibly about the situation.  
  
"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked.  
  
Spike cleared his throat as images of a hot, naked slayer and candle wax came to mind. He closed his eyes, trying to shake it off.  
  
"Um.nothing. Driving back from L.A. after that bloody wanker stole my ring!" he protested, glaring at Angel.  
  
Angel growled under his breath but eased up when Buffy glanced his way.  
  
"So that means you don't remember the Initiative? The chip?"  
  
Spike's brow raised in confusion. "Wanna run that by me again, slayer?"  
  
"Nothing. Nevermind," she answered, agitation in her voice. She turned her eyes to Angel. "We should get him back to the house."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere!" Spike complained. "How thick do you think I am?!" He turned and began heading in the other direction away from them.  
  
Buffy quickly grabbed his arm, pulling him back roughly. Spike followed his first reflex and brought his fist up to meet her temple.  
  
"Knock it off! This is for your own good!" she screamed, reiterating with a punch of her own. "Angel....could use a little help here!"  
  
"Sorry. Kind of enjoying this," he answered, amused as the sight of their brawling. Anything was better than the X-rated pictures he'd conjured up of Spike and Buffy in the past couple of days.  
  
Buffy gave him a look of warning before sending another fist sprawling, knocking the blonde vampire down to the ground unconscious.  
  
She turned toward Angel, rubbing her pained hand. "He's really gonna hate me when he wakes up."  
  
"You knock me out like that, I'd hate you too," he joked, pulling Spike off the ground.  
  
The remark was lost on Buffy as she thought about the disturbing sentence. "Spike's gonna hate me."  
  
They walked in silence, carrying the burden and dead weight of a knocked unconscious vampire.  
  
TBC  
  
Sorry again this took so long! I'll try to do better! I promise! 


	27. Taunting

Here it is! I'm back! Thank you for everyone who sent me a note asking for an update. Finally back in the swing....  
  
On to the story (if anyone remembers what it was about....lol)  
  
Chapter 27  
  
Taunting  
  
Buffy sat with her hands clenched in her lap, painfully watching the angry, full of spit and fire vampire in front of her. She couldn't help but feel guilty at the sight. Spike was fighting with the ropes that were keeping him tied to the dining room chair, pulling and tugging with no effect. The effort he was putting into the act reminded Buffy to thank Willow for the enchantment spell she'd added to help hold him at bay. After several threatening 'slayers' and even more 'bloody hells', Spike finally calmed and began to accept the inevitable. He was detained and no amount of vampire strength or manly show was getting him out of this. He resorted to a silent look that said 'I'm going to kill you', with the occasional British profanity tossed in Buffy's direction for good measure.  
  
Buffy put distance between them and remained across the room, allowing him time to settle down. She knew better than to talk to him when he was in this state of anger. She was willing to sit here all night if that was what she had to do. She knew she would do anything for Spike.  
  
When there were finally a few moments of silence, she attempted to speak. "Are you ready to shut up and listen now?"  
  
His eyes narrowed into a further look of predatory hatred. "I'm ready for you to let me out of these sodding ropes."  
  
"Not a chance in hell," Angel answered, appearing in the doorway.  
  
"Oh, great," Spike announced with a sarcastic eye roll. "The almighty has spoken." His voice trailed off when he caught the sight of the picture on the mantle. It suddenly grabbed his attention, diverting it from the other vampire. A look of bewilderment replaced the anger as he stared at the framed figure.  
  
Buffy caught the immediate change in attitude and let her eyes travel to the picture of Dawn that he seemed to find so mesmerizing. "Do you recognize her?"  
  
"No," Spike lied.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I just told you! No! I don't bloody know who she is!" His mind resorted back to the earlier dream and the memory of the girl with the long brown hair. The girl now staring back at him from atop of the mantle. His stomach knotted with the same sense of guilt and failure he'd felt in the dream. He shook it off, all the while wondering who the girl was in relation to the slayer.  
  
Buffy sensed he was hiding something but decided to let it go. "We're gonna try to help you, Spike. But you need to be willing to let us if it's gonna work."  
  
He raised an eyebrow and sunk lower into the chair. "Why should I trust you?"  
  
"Because you don't have a choice."  
  
"Great reasoning, slayer. I think I need a little more than that."  
  
"Look, I can't explain it now. You'll understand if it works."  
  
"If what works?" He eyed her suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing. Just sit there." She waved him off as she stood up. It was time to find Willow. If they were going to attempt anything, Buffy figured it may as well be sooner than later.  
  
"I'm hungry," he demanded. " 'Someone' made it their business to interrupt a perfectly good meal."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. She glanced at Angel who was still standing with his arms crossed, watching from the doorway.  
  
"Can you get him something to eat?"  
  
"Yeah!" Spike interrupted. "You heard the slayer. Go get me someone to eat!" He smiled smugly at his own joke.  
  
"Spike." Buffy reprimanded.  
  
"Oh, what?! Vampire here. Miss prim and proper can't take a joke?"  
  
"It wasn't a joke," she corrected sarcastically.  
  
"Well, no." He smiled knowingly.  
  
"Angel..."  
  
"Yeah. I got it," he answered, turning toward the kitchen and disappearing through the door.  
  
"And you," she started, turning back to Spike. "No more jokes about eating people. I've got enough stress to deal with without that visual image."  
  
"You know what's good for stress..." he replied slowly, suggestively darting his tongue between his teeth.  
  
She tried to ignore his comment, knowing exactly what pleasant things that tongue could do.  
  
"You ever try anything with candles?" Spike asked, his mind wandering to the erotic dream from earlier that day. He smiled when he caught the sudden rapid heartbeat and steady flush of Buffy's skin. "Well now, maybe not so prim and proper after all."  
  
Buffy felt her body temperature rise, knowing he would sense it immediately and thought back to that night in his crypt so long ago. The night with the candles. "Shut up, Spike."  
  
"Not so fast, slayer. I'm on to you. You play innocent, but I'm willing to bet you've got a few kinky tricks up your sleeve."  
  
"Spike..."  
  
"Parker. Hummm.... Is that what scared the boy away? Were you too hot for him?" The wicked eyebrow rose again. He wasn't sure why he was allowing his taunting to travel in this direction, but he was definitely enjoying the rise he was getting out of Buffy. "All that slayer strength bottled up in that hot, tiny body. Sweet enough to make goodie hero vamp loose his soul now wasn't it."  
  
"Stop it," she answered barely above a whisper.  
  
"I get out of these ropes, you and I might just have to have a go," he teased. "I bet I can suss out what makes you scream."  
  
'You know exactly what makes me scream,' she thought silently to herself. She was inwardly yelling at her body's reaction to his innuendos.  
  
Despite his situation, Spike was having fun. He could smell her arousal from across the room and was surprised he wasn't dust yet. It was unlike Buffy to take this much from him without fighting back. There was only one thing he hadn't counted on when he started his little game of taunt the slayer. He was tied to a chair in the living room of his sometimes, except when convenient, mortal enemy, and he was horny as hell. Horny for her no less. All he could imagine was throwing Buffy down to the floor and shagging her into oblivion. He squirmed in his seat, trying to hide the obvious bulge threatening to give him away.  
  
"What's the matter, Spike? Can't think of anything else perverted and degrading enough to say?" she asked, hands on her hips, egging him on for a reply.  
  
He smiled evilly at the challenge she was offering. If she was game, he would certainly play along. "So, what would make the slayer scream? Don't imagine you'd be much for the plain and ordinary."  
  
"I don't know, Spike. You tell me," she spit out, moving closer to position herself directly in front of the vampire.  
  
"My guess would be you like it hard and fast, clawing, scratching, taking it from behind with that ass wiggling in the air. And I bet you'd beg to be hurt just a liiittle bit. A bite here, a pinch there.... does that excite you? Am I on the right track, slayer?"  
  
She swallowed hard, fidgeted with her hands in her pockets and tried not to give into her desire for him. If she had her way, she'd untie him and let him do anything he wanted to her. 'But that wasn't even an option' she reminded herself. 'Bad Spike. Evil Spike. Sexy Spike. Oh god.' She shook her head.  
  
"What's the matter, Buffy?" he asked, sexual innuendo dripping from his tongue. "Not enjoying our little game? Too bad I'm all tied up, unless of course you like it that way. Could show you a thing or two."  
  
"I remember," she answered softly, not realizing she'd said it out loud.  
  
Spike gave a genuine look of confusion.  
  
"I mean.... I remember how cocky you can be. All talk, no action. Can't kill me, can't..." her voice trailed off. "You talk a pretty big game, Spike." She sighed, hoping she'd covered well enough.  
  
"Come over here and let me show you how cocky I am...." he teased, no longer trying to hide the full on erection he was sporting.  
  
Buffy's eyes traveled quickly to the offending area, her mouth watering for just a taste of Spike again. It had been way too long. In her mind she could still hear the sound of his cries and moans, the ragged breath he didn't need to take, and his voice whispering the choice words he liked to use as she brought him off inside her mouth.  
  
She cleared her throat and shook the images from her head. "I know what you're doing. And I'm not untying you," she spoke as sternly as her shaky voice would allow.  
  
Spike bit his bottom lip as his eyes wandered over her body. "Bloody shame to let this go to waste," he hinted, bluntly eyeing the crotch of his jeans. "Never actually shagged a slayer before." He looked up at her and smiled wickedly. "Remind me to do that sometime."  
  
Buffy found herself licking her suddenly dry lips. Oh how she wanted him to remember. She was about to call for Willow when he spoke up again.  
  
"I met a friend of yours by the way."  
  
"A friend of mine?"  
  
"Well, I guess friend would be a little bit of an overkill. In fact, she seemed intent on seeing you dead."  
  
Her eyes widened.  
  
"Not to worry, slayer. She won't come calling," he smiled. "You can thank me later of course." His eyebrows raised in a knowing look.  
  
"Who was she?" she asked, without really needing to.  
  
"Said her name was Kitara. Don't know what you did to her, but she bloody well had it in for you!"  
  
"You killed her," she said matter of factly.  
  
"Well, yeah. I'd have thought you'd show a little appreciation," he answered with a dumbfounded expression. "Now 'that' one knew how to scream," he added with a smug grin.  
  
Buffy's heart sunk into her feet as his meaning struck home. She turned away from him and blinked, taking in a deep breath. "What the hell's taking Angel so long?"  
  
As if by magic, the older vampire appeared in the doorway with a large Styrofoam cup in hand. He marched toward Spike, not happy to have this particular job. When he reached the center of the room, he sniffed the air and looked back and forth between Buffy and Spike. His eyes stopped on Buffy.  
  
She held up her hand to warn him. "Don't even ask." She left the room to find Willow so they could get started.  
  
Angel looked toward Spike to find a large gloating smile. He resisted the urge to growl and shoved the straw in Spike's direction. After a long gulp, the vampire spit the contents back into the cup.  
  
"Uughh," the blonde complained, trying to expel the taste from his mouth.  
  
Angel smiled slyly. "What? You thought it'd be human?"  
  
"Are you trying to kill me?!" Spike screamed in the other man's direction.  
  
"That thought had occurred to me." He paused. "But no, I'm trying to feed you."  
  
"Let me go and I'll bloody well do it myself," Spike barked back. "Straight from the vein and not a sodding pig, either."  
  
"What was going on between you and Buffy?" Angel asked, ignoring the other man's comment.  
  
Spike smiled and let out a sinister chuckle. "Right. Found out the slayer shagged the first warm body that came along and you came running back to claim what's yours, eh mate?"  
  
"Not exactly. As usual, Spike, you don't have a clue."  
  
"Well I know it didn't take much to get her motor revving. Maybe you should do something about that." The blonde smiled again. "Oh, that's right... you can't. Must kill, eh?"  
  
"Spike," Angel warned with a growl.  
  
"I don't know... might be worth the soul just to get a taste of warm slayer goodies." Spike watched Angel's eyes flash a hint of yellow as they narrowed on him. "That's right," he offered almost as if he'd forgotten. "You've been there. Tell me mate. Was she worth the go? Because I was thinking..."  
  
Angel let out a maddening growl and threw the cup sideways against the wall, causing its contents to spill out and down. He grabbed Spike by the chest of his shirt and held on tightly.  
  
"You're just begging for it, aren't you Spike?"  
  
"Sorry Angel. Not the begging type. I bet Buffy is though. I bet she begs real good...."  
  
Spike was now looking into the face of a growling demon. "Touchy touchy. Anyone ever tell you to control that temper of yours?"  
  
"Anyone ever tell you you can be a real pain in the ass, Spike?"  
  
"Think you should be phrasing that the other way around? But that was a long time ago. Hundred years give or take. Isn't that right, Angelus?"  
  
"Don't call me that," the older vampire threatened.  
  
"I seem to recall you used to like it when I said your name."  
  
"Spike..."  
  
Angel was interrupted with a deep body-shaking laugh from the blonde. "You really have changed, haven't you?"  
  
"I can still take you, Spike. Don't push me."  
  
"Oh come on now. The old you...the 'real' you would have had me up against the wall. Where's the fire? Now you're so pathetic it's all piss and water. Whipped by the slayer. Saddest thing I've ever seen, mate."  
  
Angel's anger died down a bit and he let the other man go, letting the demon slip away. "You're really are in for a surprise."  
  
"That's it? That's all you've got? A couple words and you're in brood mode?"  
  
"I just know you're gonna get what's coming to you, Spike. And that's gonna be a lot more painful than me kicking your ass."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
Angel backed away and headed to the other room, leaving Spike alone and confused. If they were successful and his memories returned, Angel knew the turmoil he would be going through. Almost as if his soul were being returned yet again. As much as he hated Spike at times, it was a pain he didn't wish on anyone. 


	28. History

Chapter 28  
  
History  
  
Buffy and Willow returned to Spike, who was sitting impatiently thumping his boots against the floor. He looked up and turned his head in their direction. "About bloody time."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, and caught the wall with the splattered blood. "What the hell happened here?!!" She quickly moved to where the empty cup lay on the floor.  
  
"Angel happened. You should really have a talk with him about that temper of his."  
  
"And I suppose you had nothing to do with it."  
  
"Why slayer, I'm offended." Spike gave his most annoyingly innocent pouty lip.  
  
Buffy turned away, picking up the cup and trying not to turn to mush. "Now I have to find a way to get blood out of the carpet. Not to mention the new wall décor."  
  
"Adds character. Besides, all your vampire friends will love it." Spike smiled proudly at the disgusted look he received from Buffy.  
  
"Okay Will," Buffy said, turning to her friend. "Time to do this."  
  
"Are you sure you want to be the one?"  
  
"One what?" Spike asked, concerned.  
  
"Yeah. It's the only way it'll work," she answered, ignoring his question.  
  
"I could...."  
  
Buffy cut her off. "You don't know what I know."  
  
"Would someone tell me what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike interrupted.  
  
"Buffy's gonna try to make you remember the things you...forgot," Willow answered sheepishly.  
  
He raised his eyebrow. "And why don't I like the sound of that?"  
  
"I don't like it either but it's the only way. Now close your eyes and concentrate," Buffy answered, grabbing a chair and placing it in front of his. She sat down facing him and closed her eyes.  
  
"Concentrate on what, slayer? What are you doing?"  
  
Her eyes opened again and she sighed. "We have to make a connection. Willow found a spell to do it. Now shut up and think happy thoughts."  
  
She crossed her arms and waited for him to argue. He surprised her by closing his eyes. "Show me what I have to do so I can get out of here."  
  
"Okay," Willow answered. "Both of you relax and hold hands."  
  
Spike opened his eyes and glared at Willow.  
  
"Just do it," Buffy demanded in her best stern voice.  
  
He closed them again and roughly grabbed her hands. "I swear when this is done..."  
  
"I know, Spike. I've got it coming... gonna kill me...heard it all before."  
  
"Damn right."  
  
Willow cleared her throat to get their attention. "I'm gonna start the spell. You'll know when it's working."  
  
Buffy and Spike listened as Willow spoke the incantation. A wave of light engulfed them and then everything around them went black.  
  
Spike woke with the weight of a body on top of his. He opened his eyes to find Buffy groggily shifting, apparently as dazed as he was. He shoved her off and stood up as she came to.  
  
"Where are we?" she asked, rising to stand beside him.  
  
"It's your bloody spell, slayer. You tell me."  
  
They looked around at the streets before them and the reluctance of people to notice they were there.  
  
"Are we ghosts?" she asked as she watched several people walk past them.  
  
Spike lifted his arm and punched her squarely in the nose. She screamed and instinctively punched him back.  
  
"Bloody hell! Guess not then."  
  
"Idiot."  
  
Spike grinned. He began to look around. The familiarity of the scene came to him. "I remember this."  
  
"Oh goody. This must mean we're inside your head," she stated with a large hint of sarcasm.  
  
"Time for you to see how the other half live, slayer," he said with an evil grin to follow.  
  
He began walking down an alley with Buffy following closely behind him.  
  
"Oh! It smells!" she complained, reaching up to hold her nose.  
  
Spike smiled and licked his lips. "Yeah."  
  
She gave a disgusted cough and shook her head. "It smells like..."  
  
"Blood," he interrupted. "And a lot of it if memory serves."  
  
"Memory?" "I was here. We were here. The four of us."  
  
"You don't think....."  
  
"Only one way to find out." He hastened the pace with Buffy trying to keep up. They quickly turned the corner and she stopped dead, cringing at the sight, the smell overtaking her senses.  
  
Spike smiled. "You wanna see what your Angel is really like?"  
  
She forced herself to look and focused on the figures in front of her. Four vampires in full demon face feasting together on an unlucky family. They seemed euphoric in the act. So much blood, so much violence, and joy. Her gaze rested on Angel. Angelus. She tried to catch the breath that had escaped her.  
  
She watched as an earlier version of Spike joined him in taking the blood of a woman not much older than Buffy herself. They fed together, each drawing from the young girl's neck on opposite sides. She glanced back to the vampire beside her who looked like he'd be more than happy to join them if this were for real.  
  
She shook her head and returned her attention to the previous sight. Not prepared for what happened next, her eyes widened with embarrassment when she saw Angelus reaching for Spike, or was it William back then, she wasn't sure. He pulled him into a deep kiss, with hands wandering the length of the younger vampire's body after dropping the dead woman to the ground. Their tongues dueled while Spike's hand made its way to the bulge the older vampire was sporting.  
  
Buffy tried to turn away but felt her curiosity grabbing hold, forcing her to watch as the other two vampires finally joined them. Darla soon gained the attention of Angelus as Drusilla took over where her sire had left off with Spike. Buffy felt a deep, nauseating feeling in her stomach as she watched the other woman pulling and tugging at his clothes until finally freeing him from the confines of his trousers. With his eyes closed, he leaned his head back in a sensuous pose not unfamiliar to Buffy as Dru traveled down to kneel in front of him.  
  
"Looks like fun, eh slayer?" Spike asked, grinning wildly as his tongue came to rest between his teeth.  
  
"You're a pig, Spike," Buffy answered. A classic phrase she'd always used when a better come back escaped her vocabulary.  
  
He snorted. "Aahh. Sticks and stones baby. Besides, I can tell you like what you see."  
  
"What?! I do not! How...."  
  
His raised eyebrow and a slow gaze down her body stopped her from demanding a further explanation.  
  
"Didn't peg you the voyeuristic type."  
  
"Again, Spike. Eewww." She wrinkled her nose in disgust.  
  
He chuckled and allowed his lips to rest in a smirk.  
  
"Better enjoy it while you can," she suggested, folding her arms in front of her. "This isn't why we're here."  
  
"Ah, come on, slayer. Where's your sense of adventure?!"  
  
"I lost it during the killing and....everything else. And what was that?! You and Angel?!"  
  
He shrugged his shoulders and pushed his hands into his coat pockets. "Vampire. You seem to forget that. Sex and blood. It all goes together. Doesn't much matter with who as long as you get off, right?"  
  
"Okay, Spike. A little more than I needed to know."  
  
"What? You asked, I'm tellin'. Too late to be all squeamish about it now. You just can't imagine your precious Angel getting his rocks off like that, can you? Well let me fill you in. That 'was' Angel. Seeing is believing, slayer."  
  
"Let's just get out of here." Buffy turned and began walking in the opposite direction back toward the alley they came from. She tried pushing away the picture in her head of Spike and Angel, but the images kept appearing. As off put as she was to admit it, she had been a little intrigued by the relationship between the two. She wanted to ask more questions but knew to wait until she had 'her' Spike back. Answers would have to come later.  
  
She turned to look for her traveling partner and found him leaning against the side of a wall with a cigarette dangling from his lips. She walked back toward him.  
  
"What are you doing? We don't have time for this."  
  
"You don't have a clue who he really is, do you?"  
  
"I don't know and I don't care. I know what he is now. That's what matters."  
  
He closed his eyes, lost in thought. "He was everything I wanted to be. Everything I tried to be. He was strong.powerful. And cold. Angelus was a cold and self-righteous bastard. Took what he wanted when he wanted it. Although I guess you saw a little of that during his stint in Sunnydale. He was fucking Dru you know." His eyes met hers to gage her reaction.  
  
She looked away.  
  
"Or maybe you didn't. Didn't think you were that naïve, slayer." His eyes found hers again. "Did it because he could. Just to piss me off. There's always been this thing between us."  
  
"I know."  
  
Spike threw the finished butt to the ground and inhaled deeply, shrugging off the melancholy mood. "Anyway, enough of that. He's a bloody poof now so what's it matter?"  
  
Buffy was surprised by Spike's reaction to seeing Angel. She could only assume it was hurt he was feeling. There was a lot to the story she knew she was missing and was curious to know what had happened between them. For now, her biggest challenge was making him remember why they were here in the first place. 


	29. Returning

Chapter 29  
  
Returning  
  
Spike stepped away from the wall and rubbed his hands together. "Where to next? Got a whole head full of things you might like to see." He smiled coyly and tucked his thumbs in his belt loops.  
  
"No way. Uh uh. My turn. I don't want to know anything else about your perverted history with Angel."  
  
"You sure, slayer? You seemed interested a few minutes ago."  
  
"That wasn't interest, Spike. It was disgust. You and Angel...that's just gross." She rolled her eyes and began walking away, leaving him standing wide-eyed behind her.  
  
"You don't understand anything about vampires, do you? All you know is the killing."  
  
She turned back around with her hands on her hips. "That's all I need to know," she lied.  
  
Inside she desperately wanted to ask all the questions that were now plaguing her. She wanted to know everything about Spike, Angel, and their life before Angel's soul. Neither vampire ever talked about it, keeping it hidden like a shameful secret. Buffy blinked her eyes to see Spike now standing directly in front of her.  
  
"You should ask yourself sometime exactly what being a vampire means. Makes the hunt even better when you know your prey." He bit his bottom lip between his teeth and tilted his head slightly to the left. "Hard to believe you claim to love the poof and you don't even know him. What he is."  
  
"I don't need a lecture, Spike. Especially from you. And I do know Angel. But things are different now. We're just friends."  
  
"Oh. Yeah, I forgot. Just friends. Still playing that game, are we?"  
  
She closed her eyes and sighed. "It's not a game. It's true. There's a lot you don't know and that's why we're here." She turned around again, not wanting him to see the hurt on her face.  
  
She realized he was right. She'd fallen in love with both of them and hadn't even considered their history. They were vampires and what did she really know about them? Nothing before the past few years. Nothing about vampire lore and myths. She'd never wanted to know about the demon side. It was the part she'd tried to pretend wasn't there. The part she'd hated Spike for showing off and the part she'd loved Angel for trying to hide.  
  
She was brought back from her thoughts when she felt Spike's body press against the back of hers and his voice whisper in her ear. "You sure you don't want to know his little secrets? What gets him going? Gets him off?"  
  
"Spike." She tried to stop him.  
  
"I could tell you. You know why?"  
  
She stayed silent, her heart pounding in her chest at the feel of him so close, talking about things so intimate.  
  
"Because he taught me. For eighteen years he taught me the pain and pleasure of it. Sometimes as punishment, sometimes reward. All the same really. I was his to do as he pleased." His hands caught her arms and began sliding up slowly, causing her flesh to prickle under him. "Another thing about vampires, luv. Pain reaps pleasure and Angelus knew all about pain."  
  
She closed her eyes as his fingers glided their way further north, above her shoulder, slightly rubbing the skin beneath her ear. "You know about pain, slayer?"  
  
She was lost in the sensation of him, longing to feel his touch and hear his words of love for her. She shuddered when she felt his tongue reach out to caress her neck, and felt his teeth nip at the tender skin. No. Not teeth. Fangs.  
  
He grabbed her tightly at the elbows and let a low growl escape him. "Should know better than to turn your back on your enemy. You think if I bite you it'd be for real?"  
  
She turned her head enough to see the face of his demon staring back at her. Buffy began to struggle and inwardly cursed herself for forgetting who she was with. Closing her eyes as his head tilted in toward her neck, with no time to waste she grabbed a hold of his hands and quickly thought of another time and place.  
  
They were both thrown off balance and again surrounded in darkness. Buffy opened her eyes, shaking off the dizzy feeling as she became aware of her surroundings. She pushed herself off the ground and stood up, finding Spike doing the same beside her.  
  
The anger was stirring inside of her, the last couple of days finally coming together in a whirlwind of emotion. She screamed out in frustration and charged for him, pushing him up against the wall.  
  
"You stupid son of a bitch! I'm doing this to try to help you! Help us! And all you wanna do is sink your fangs in?!!" She let go and pulled her shirt away from her neck in an overly exaggerated fashion, making sure he'd see the trace of the mark from his first bite. "Well here you go, Spike. Here it is! Yours for the taking!"  
  
He looked down and immediately caught sight of the scar. She watched as he closed his eyes and noticeably shuddered.  
  
"What are you waiting for?! Go on! Do it!" She took a gamble and pushed her body against his, tilting her head to give him full access.  
  
He stood staring wide-eyed for a moment and then shoved her away. "What the hell are you doing?! You'd never give up that easy!"  
  
She felt a sigh of relief and let go of her collar. "Things have changed. That's what I've been trying to tell you! Spike, you didn't just get back from LA. We're not enemies anymore, and you aren't the big bad you used to be!"  
  
He tilted his head in confusion. "Did you hit your head, slayer? Cuz you're not making any sense." He stopped mid sentence and pointed across the room. "And who the hell are they?"  
  
Buffy took a moment to look around, finally remembering where she'd brought them. They were standing in the corner of his crypt, watching as a broken and bloody version of the vampire stared in amazement after sharing a gentle kiss with buffy. Spike listened to the words spoken between their doubles, not understanding anything about the scene before him. He glanced at Buffy and saw the traces of tears invading her eyes.  
  
"This is when it all changed. This is when I knew." She reached up to wipe her cheeks and tried to keep any more tears from spilling.  
  
"Knew what? What are you talking about?" he asked, suddenly feeling a hint of anxiety.  
  
She looked around. " Three years ago. You'd just done something incredibly brave and selfless to protect Dawn. It was the first time I'd seen... the first time I let myself see the man you could be."  
  
"Dawn?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"My sister. The one in the picture you were staring at. I know you recognized her," she accused.  
  
"You don't have a sister."  
  
"I'll explain that later, but now I want to know how you knew her?"  
  
"I didn't. It was just a bloody dream." He pictured the images from the nightmare he'd experienced and shook them off when she spoke again.  
  
"You saw her in a dream?"  
  
"Was nothing. Just a flash."  
  
"A memory? You've been remembering?"  
  
He shrugged. "Don't know. It's all jumbled. None of the pieces fit."  
  
"Spike," she said gently, "I need to show you the last few years."  
  
"If it involves me finding out I don't want to kill you, I don't want to know."  
  
She shook her head in sadness and looked down toward the ground. "I need you Spike. You need to know what happened to you."  
  
"What's it to you? I'd assume you'd just as well dust me."  
  
She managed a small smile and forced herself to look at him. "Sometimes I wish I had."  
  
He shoved his hands into his pockets and took an unneeded breath. "Let's get to it then. Three years you say?"  
  
She glanced around her and back to him. "It'd probably be easier if we sit. I think if it comes all at once, it might unblock whatever's causing you to forget."  
  
"Your call, slayer."  
  
He pushed his duster out of the way and sat down on the ground as she did the same and scooted closer to face him, reaching for his hands. He reluctantly took them.  
  
"Concentrate and just try to be open to it."  
  
He nodded and closed his eyes.  
  
Immediately the feelings came crashing like waves. Buffy decided not to hold back and threw everything at him. In her mind, she relived the images and emotions of all the memories she could conjure up. Starting with the Initiative, she worked her way through the list of important events. The chip, Adam, Dawn, his admittance of love, Glory, her death and resurrection and all their time spent together including the night he'd left. She worked through his return and the events leading up to when he disappeared, stopping finally when they were sitting holding hands in her living room. She opened her eyes to see Willow and Angel staring at them from the sofa and realized they were back.  
  
Spike sat unmoving, with his eyes closed and a deep, troubled look on his face. Buffy reached over, placing her hand on his knee.  
  
"Spike, are you okay?"  
  
His breath became ragged, coming quickly in short pants.  
  
"Spike," she called again.  
  
"I'm fine, luv," he answered, stretching out his fingers. "Just need to get out of these bloody ropes."  
  
"I mean, are you okay? Are you..... you again?"  
  
Their eyes met and she knew instantly it was 'her' Spike staring back at her.  
  
"I remember everything."  
  
"Willow... could you?"  
  
"Are we sure, Buffy? I mean he could be lying."  
  
"Just do it," she answered impatiently.  
  
Angel and Willow exchanged a glance and she began to chant the words to break the spell on the ropes.  
  
Buffy tugged at them until Spike was finally free of his restraints. He stood up, caught himself glancing at the picture on the mantle, and stepped in to kiss Buffy softly.  
  
She let the kiss linger until he pulled away, allowing her to see the pained look in his eyes.  
  
"What is it?" she asked worriedly.  
  
"Just need some time, pet. Need to clear my head." He turned and began to walk away.  
  
"Where are you gonna be?"  
  
He looked back over his shoulder at her and sighed heavily. "Where I belong." Turning back around, he made his way to the door and disappeared into the basement.  
  
Willow moved closer to Buffy, grabbing her hand in reassurance. "He'll be okay. The important thing is that it worked, right? No more multiple personality Spike?"  
  
"Yeah. I guess." Buffy answered, not hiding her concern.  
  
"Can't be easy. Imagine all your memories from the last few years coming back all at once? The guy must be freaked."  
  
"I suppose. You think I should go talk to him?"  
  
"No. I'd leave him alone for awhile."  
  
Angel finally stood up from his spot on the sofa and moved to join them. "He'll need you after a while. Right now he's dealing with more than just the memories. He's probably beating himself up because of the soul too."  
  
Buffy looked at him with a less than understanding expression. "The soul?"  
  
"He killed people, Buffy. And his soul didn't stop it from happening. He's gonna be in pretty bad shape about it until he decides how to deal with it."  
  
"I didn't think about it."  
  
"And I'm sure that it's 'all' he's thinking about."  
  
***************************  
  
Spike was sitting on the mattress against the wall, wiping the falling tears from his cheeks. He'd spent several hours pondering his situation and came to the same conclusion over and over. He was screwed. He would never be a good man, he would never deserve Buffy and he would forever live with the fact that when given the chance his demon was stronger than he was. He'd only made himself feel worse after rethinking his actions over the last two days. He remembered all of it. He'd allowed the demon to overpower him even when his soul had been screaming it was wrong. He'd been weak, feeling the guilt of his actions but too far gone to recognize it for what it was. After all he'd gone through to win the damn soul, and then learning to live with it over the course of the past year, all wiped away as soon as it was put to the test. What good was it but a reminder that he was nothing more than a shell of a man.  
  
The chip. He longed for the days when it held him at bay. A year without it and this was the result. With the chip, it never could have happened. His mind wandered as far as to consider finding those Initiative assholes and begging them to fit him with another piece of government technology. He was sure Buffy could find her ex-demon hunter cowboy if she had to. 'Probably pen pals after his last visit,' he scoffed to himself. He shook his head at the thought. There was no way he would stoop so low as to let Riley have the victory dance. Shattered as he was, he still had some ounce of pride.  
  
Spike was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He wiped away the last bit of evidence from his face and made the resolve to appear in control, hard as it may be.  
  
Angel stepped forward, hands in his pockets, not speaking a word as he strode toward the other vampire.  
  
Spike eyed him wearily and gestured back in the direction he came. "Sod off. Not in the mood for you."  
  
"Don't imagine you are. Too bad for you I don't care what you want. "  
  
"I mean it," came the reply in a threatening tone.  
  
"You've been a bad, bad vampire. Haven't you William my boy?"  
  
Blue eyes widened at the use of his given name. Angel had never called him William. "What's your game?" he asked, while rising cautiously to his feet.  
  
"You should know by now, it's always a game. Us against them. Always has been, always will be and we'll always come out on top."  
  
"Have you completely lost it? I don't talk in riddles, Angel. And I'm getting bored with this conversation."  
  
"I thought I taught you better manners, boy. You listen when I talk and you do as I say. Or do you need a lesson?"  
  
Spike looked dumbfounded at the larger man and tried to push past him. "I'm not putting up with this you ponce."  
  
Angel grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Seems you need a refresher in where your place is. Has it been so long you don't remember?"  
  
The tension was marinating in the pit of his stomach and the blonde tried to control the demon fighting to come to the forefront.  
  
"That's it. Let it out," Angel urged. "Felt good didn't it? The bloodlust, the power."  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, come on. Be the demon you really are. We could devour this town together."  
  
"That's not what I am."  
  
A sinister laugh belted out as Angel allowed his true features to emerge. "It's exactly what you are. What we are. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be one of them. We are above them. What have you let yourself become, William?"  
  
Understanding finally came over Spike's face and the terror at what he was seeing almost brought him to his knees. This was Angelus. Not the poncy bugger who showed up to claim his fame with Acathla, but the real Angelus. The vampire Spike remembered him to be a hundred years ago.  
  
"What's wrong, boy? You look like you've seen a ghost."  
  
"Angel?"  
  
Another deep, bone chilling laugh and the dark haired man was pulling Spike into an embrace, kissing him roughly. The blonde pushed him away in a fit of disgust.  
  
"Could Angel make you tremble so easy? You know who I am, just as you know who you are. William the Bloody was your favorite pseudonym as I recall. Until you started with all this Spike nonsense. We were quite the troublemakers, weren't we, William? Always making our presence known."  
  
"You're not him."  
  
A snicker came as a reply. "Can't you feel it? The bond? Angel would never care about his family the way I do."  
  
"Angel is good. Seeking redemption. We would have just held him back." It was the first time he could ever remember defending the other vampire.  
  
"Angel is a fool. Redemption is impossible for him. Just as it is for you. You were made to be more. You are a vampire! Or have you forgotten what that means?"  
  
Spike found shock in the words as he recalled the earlier conversation he'd had with Buffy. At the time, he was the one trying to convince her of his true nature. Ironic now that he was in her place and trying to deny it.  
  
"You were made for the hunt, the kill, the love that can only be achieved when the life is gone and the blood stops flowing. Can't you taste it, William? Didn't you enjoy that girl? Being inside her? Fangs and cock? And the slayer. Her rich blood filling you up? Nothing better I'd wager, except maybe your sire."  
  
Blue eyes met brown in a show of knowing. "Aahh. You do remember, don't you?"  
  
"No. Stop. This isn't real. You're not real." Spike pushed away and dropped to his knees on the mattress burying his face in his hands. "Go away."  
  
"I'll always be real, and you'll always be mine. You are what you are and you, my boy, are an evil creature. A vampire. Born to live in darkness. Don't ever forget that. Don't deny what you are... what you want."  
  
"I don't want it!" he screamed, pulling at his hair, as the tears full of rage and frustration were unleashed.  
  
In the distance, he heard footsteps and the sound of fading laughter until all was silent. He found the courage to look up through a tear-covered haze to see Buffy and Angel staring down at him. 


	30. Trusting

Chapter 30  
  
Trusting  
  
Buffy stared down at the distraught vampire looking up at her with confusion in his eyes. "Spike, you can't stay down here by yourself."  
  
His eyes widened and locked on Angel. A feeling of dread and anxiousness came over the blonde. "Angelus?" he asked, cowering toward the corner.  
  
"Spike? What's wrong with you? It's me. Angel," came the reply as the other man stepped toward the bed.  
  
Spike pulled further away. "It's a trick. Buffy, don't trust him. It's Angelus. He was just here..."  
  
Buffy slowly knelt down onto the mattress, crawling toward Spike, stopping when her knees pressed against his. "Spike, its just Angel. He's been upstairs with me since you came down here."  
  
"No," he argued sternly. "He was here. Talking to me...telling me....." He closed his eyes.  
  
Buffy glanced at Angel and gestured for him to leave. He nodded his reply and made his way back to the steps. He watched as Buffy moved up and sat beside Spike as close as their bodies would allow. He felt a twang of jealousy overcome him, and forced it back down as he climbed the stairs, leaving them alone.  
  
They sat together in silence. Buffy was unsure how to proceed seeing the fragile state he seemed to be in. She opted to quietly wait for him to speak when he was ready, hoping it would be soon.  
  
Spike raised his legs, resting his elbows on his knees as he casually ran his hands through his hair. A moment passed before he said anything. "Am I going crazy, Buffy?"  
  
"No."  
  
He thought for another moment. "I know what I saw. What I heard. If it wasn't him, it must mean I'm crazy."  
  
"Spike, we're dealing with a lot of things. I know you've been through a lot but don't forget about the reason we're fighting. The First is still playing head games with us. It knows you're vulnerable right now. Makes sense it would come to you again."  
  
"Was that what is was?"  
  
"It had to be. Angel was with me the whole time."  
  
He turned his head away from her and sighed. "It seemed real. Just like I remembered."  
  
"Whatever it told you was a lie."  
  
He forced himself to look at her, taking in the sight of the woman he loved more than should be possible for a demon. "No it wasn't." He allowed his eyes to express all the pain he was feeling.  
  
"C'mon Spike. I need you. Don't let this thing win."  
  
"You don't need me. You have Angel. He's the bloody hero. I'm just..." he looked away again.  
  
"What? What are you?"  
  
"I'm nothing. Not a man, not a demon. Should of just offed me years ago." He pulled away from her and stretched out on the mattress. "Just a bloody waste of space."  
  
"That's not 'you' talking."  
  
"Just go away. Go back upstairs. Stop rutting down here with me."  
  
"No, Spike. I want to be down here with you."  
  
He rolled on his side away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself. "Been your mistake all along, hasn't it? Lowering yourself to my level."  
  
She leaned down, grabbing his shoulder and forced him onto his back. "You listen to me you stubborn, pigheaded...." She stopped herself from going any further. "You are not a mistake! I saw what you could be! What you are!"  
  
"What I am is a pathetic excuse for a vampire, and an even poorer excuse for a man. Had myself fooled, but Angelus was right. I'll never change."  
  
Buffy shook her head, disagreeing with him. "No."  
  
"Said I was made to kill. That's what vampires do, right? Feed on the living in order to live- to stay warm. To pretend we're not dead. Made me realize I'll always be just a demon."  
  
"It wasn't Angelus and you are wrong! You are so much more than that."  
  
He looked up at her with sad longing in his eyes. "You say that, Buffy, and I want to believe it..." He turned his eyes away to hide the puddles of tears threatening to spill.  
  
"You're a good man, Spike."  
  
He bolted upright, his body facing hers. "Do you have any idea what I did?! I killed, Buffy. Tasted human blood and enjoyed it. Longed for it. A good man wouldn't do that."  
  
"You were a different person then! Spike, you haven't fed off a human in a long time. Right? The past year without the chip? You could of at any time....but you didn't. Who you were a few years ago and who you are now are two different people. You've experienced a lot to become the man you are and you should be proud of him."  
  
"The past year doesn't make up for the past hundred, Buffy. My fate is sealed. I don't have a bloody carrot dangling in front of me."  
  
"Huh?" She gave him a dumbfounded look of not understanding. "Angel." He paused to let her consider it, and then explained. "I don't have some prophecy telling of my redemption and chance for humanity. Dust to dust for me, pet."  
  
"It doesn't matter, Spike. I'm tired of all this prophecy crap. You never know what's gonna happen. What went on the last couple of days wasn't your fault. You're back, you're sorry, let's move on."  
  
"Easy for you, eh pet? Just forget about it. Act like it didn't happen. Act like I wasn't killing, and fucking and thinking of inventive ways to revel in your blood when I drained you..."  
  
Her shocked eyes caught his.  
  
"I would of, you know. If you hadn't mojo'd us out of there I would have sucked you dry." He turned his head in shame, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I wanted to."  
  
She stared for a moment at the lost soul in front of her. Without any doubt in her heart she decided to temp the fates and slowly pulled her blouse over her head, exposing her naked skin. As before, she tilted her head to him, allowing access.  
  
"I'm yours, Spike. No hostility this time. No anger. Just you and me. If this is what you want, what you dream of, it's yours. I'm offering you a chance to finish what you started in the crypt."  
  
He didn't move. He didn't blink. If he stayed still he could concentrate on holding the demon back from what it wanted. The intoxicating scent of slayer was enough to drive his vampire senses wild with need. The need to have her blood. Her strength. Her power. To have the high he'd experienced the last time he tasted her. To pull it into his body and warm his dead flesh. The deafening sound of the pulse beneath her skin was taunting him, driving him mad. As his tongue darted out to lick his lips, his eyes stared wide at the offering, catching a hint of fear and anticipation in her eyes.  
  
Buffy's breathing sped; long gasps of air escaped her parted lips waiting for him to make a decision. She allowed her mind to focus on the dare she'd directed at him. She'd offered herself completely to a vampire. A demon. Her friend. Her lover. She felt as though her heart was going to beat through her chest waiting for him to move. Her body sensed danger, the fine hairs standing up on end telling her to run, to hide, and to get as far away as she could. She remained as frozen as the man in front of her. He was a statue, staring like she was the last temptation on earth. She blinked and realized to him, she was. This was his test. His choice between man and demon. She noticed his normally crystal blue eyes turn yellow, one step closer to a decision being made.  
  
Buffy decided to help. Her fingers snaked around his head, down the soft curls of his hair, and rested at the nape of his neck. Leaning forward, her lips found his mouth and she pushed her tongue inside the parted flesh. She was taken back at his sudden intake of air. His breathing had always surprised her, as did the thought of his obvious need to appear human.  
  
After a brief moment that felt more like an eternity, Buffy pulled away and stared deeply into him. "Take it, Spike. Make me yours."  
  
She strengthened her grip behind his neck and led his head downward as she rose up to meet him. Pulling his lips against the sensitive skin of her neck, a warm heat escaped her, causing a wave of womanly scent to cascade around them. A soft growl emerged from his throat and he found himself fighting her hands, pulling back to reveal a ridged forehead and fangs as sharp as razors.  
  
"Please," she whispered softly, her back arching forward to allow the thin cotton of her bra to rub against him. Contact. She needed to feel him. Needed him to touch her. Anywhere, everywhere.  
  
Taking the initiative, she pushed the leather off his shoulders, allowing the jacket to fall behind him on the mattress. His expression through the demonic features was one of amazement and confusion. Her hands slowly found his face, a single finger tracing the outline of his forehead, around his eyes, down razor sharp cheeks still impressive in his true form, and onto his lips.  
  
"I trust you, Spike. Can you feel what you're doing to me? Can you sense how much I need you? How much I want this from you?"  
  
"Buffy...."  
  
She shushed him with the finger already on his mouth. "Don't talk. Don't think. Just feel. Take. Show me what the demon wants and I'll show you what the man can control. You have the power, Spike. You are strong enough to balance it. I believe in you."  
  
Her finger pushed its way inside and immediately found the sharpest ridge, pulling back roughly to slice it. He groaned wildly as her blood began to coat his tongue and mouth.  
  
Another wave of lust overcame her at the sight of his lips wrapped around her throbbing finger. He grabbed her hand, holding it steady, beginning to suck avidly on the bloody limb. He was lost in the moment, the taste of her life flowing into him and the smell of her arousal causing his senses to scream.  
  
The sound of a guttural moan from her lips pushed him over the edge and he pushed her backward onto the makeshift bed, disappointed at the loss of the rich substance in his mouth. The disappointment faded quickly when her body entwined with his, her legs wrapping around him to cause friction in just the right place. He rubbed his jean-clad erection against her, feeling the heat and moisture between her legs, even through the obstacle of her own denim material.  
  
"Make me yours, Spike," she repeated, grabbing his head with both hands, yanking him roughly toward the place that held his mark. She felt him shake.  
  
"No." He pulled back and she was staring into blue eyes rather than yellow. His human façade was in place, watching her with a saddened expression. "I won't."  
  
"I know," she whispered. He'd passed the test.  
  
Her fingers found his face, tracing the softness of his cheek. "I know, Spike. Because you can control the demon. You used to try to convince me of that. I'd never listen and it would make you mad as hell but then you'd try even harder. Don't give up now. Don't stop trying because some evil thing tells you you're not worth it. You are worth it, Spike."  
  
He laid his body down upon hers, a stream of tears rolling down to meet her hand still gently rubbing his face.  
  
"I just want you to love me. Can you do that, Buffy? Knowing what I am....what I've done?"  
  
"Shhh." Her own tears fell as she shifted slightly to allow his head to rest on her chest. Her hands softly massaged his hair, easing the tension he was holding inside. "I do love you, Spike. Everything you are. Just trust me enough to let me prove to you how much." 


	31. Moments

Chapter 31  
  
Moments  
  
They lay together for a long enough time that their tears had subsided and they were quietly enjoying the calmness of one another. They were lost in silence, a swarm of thoughts invading both of them. Buffy continued to rub soft circular patterns up and down his back, easing his tension as much as she could. She'd never doubted his ability to control his demon. Knowing he would be able to resist his instincts, she'd hoped it had been enough to convince him of the same. It was time for Spike to come out of the past and focus on his future. With her.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
He flinched at the sound of her voice, pulling him out of the trance he was in. He was enjoying the feeling of being with her. Wrapped around her, receiving comfort.  
  
"Don't know, pet. Got a lot buzzing about in my head." He stopped and gestured toward their bodies, lying together protectively. "This is nice though."  
  
"It's a long time overdue." She smiled and relaxed under his weight even more. "I missed you, Spike. Not just last night or yesterday. I missed you this past year. Things were different without you here."  
  
"It was better with me being gone. For everyone." His gaze traveled downward again, not wanting to share the emotion hiding behind his eyes.  
  
"I could have helped you."  
  
"No one could've helped me, Buffy. Had to deal with things in my own way."  
  
"If that's the case, why'd you go to Angel?" she questioned.  
  
He shrugged. "By then I just didn't care. Thought he'd kill me. Wanted him to."  
  
"You went through all of the trouble of getting your soul, and you wanted to die?"  
  
"Every bloody day," he answered honestly.  
  
She closed her eyes, trying to imagine what the past year had been like for him. She tightened her grip and tried to hold him closer.  
  
"Was it really that bad, Spike? That you'd actually want Angel to kill you?"  
  
He moved over, rolling off to her side. "You have no idea, Buffy. What it's like. How it feels."  
  
"Why didn't you just end it? You could have walked out into the sun or, I don't know, something."  
  
He laughed bitterly. "Just about did that on occasion too, pet."  
  
"So why didn't you?"  
  
"Because of you." He took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "Because I wanted you to know. I told myself I'd never come back here again, never see you. But part of me always knew I'd have to let you know what I'd done. The soul, Buffy. It was all for you. Every day I made it through without being dust was for you. So that maybe I'd come back and you could forgive me."  
  
She raised his head back up to meet her gaze. Gently her hand stroked the hollowed area of his cheek. "I've already told you. All's forgiven. I did some soul-searching last year too, Spike. I realized some things about myself.and about you. I realized I was the monster when it came to us..not you."  
  
"Buffy."  
  
"No. I spent too much time denying it. Denying what I felt, what I was doing. What we were doing. If I had opened my eyes to see how you really felt, I might have even let myself be happy. I know you would have done anything for me.for Dawn. If that's not love, then what is? I just felt so guilty."  
  
"For shaggin' a vamp?" he asked not so tenderly.  
  
She shook her head at his harshness. "No." A short pause. "For loving one. For feeling what I felt for you after knowing how things turned out with Angel. I'm supposed to slay vampires. That's what I do. I should have been running in the other direction but instead I kept running toward you. I felt like such a hypocrite. I don't know. maybe if I'd have just told everyone."  
  
"If you would have told everyone, I would have ended up a pile of dust. Bad enough they found out afterward."  
  
"But it shouldn't have mattered! If I was willing to sleep with you, I should have been willing to admit it, no matter what anyone else thought. Lying about it, trying to hide it, that was what made me ashamed. Hurting you. Because I knew I was. I thought maybe if I hurt you enough you'd go away and I wouldn't have to hide anymore."  
  
"But I kept coming back," he answered, guilt pouring through his voice.  
  
"Deep inside I was glad. You did make me feel, Spike. Things I could never feel with anyone else. "  
  
"You could have shagged a number of blokes. Didn't have to be me."  
  
She shook her head to disagree. "It wasn't just the sex. Although, okay, that was good." She allowed herself a smile in his direction. "It was knowing you were there, sometimes too much, but there just the same. You were so devoted to me. What girl wouldn't want that?"  
  
"A slayer with a chip on her shoulder," he answered sarcastically.  
  
"That was rhetorical, Spike." She took another long, deep breath. "But you're right. Nothing you could have done would have been right. I wasn't ready to be my own person. My friends, Giles, no one would have understood and I wasn't ready to face them. They brought me back and I spent every waking moment trying not to disappoint them. Great job I did, huh?"  
  
"You did alright. Under the circumstances."  
  
"Well, I plan on doing better now. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more hiding my emotions. I've worked on that a lot. And I think I've been doing a pretty good job. and then you came back."  
  
"Sorry to muck things up for you, pet."  
  
She met his eyes, feeling a wave of emotion stirring inside her. "You missed the point. You're here now so I can tell you all the things I should have told you before. All the things you needed to hear but never did."  
  
"I don't need anything, Buffy. Don't deserve anything from you." He was sinking back down, determined to stay miserable in his self-loathing.  
  
"What you deserve is to stop beating yourself up for things you couldn't control."  
  
"I have a soul, Buffy! It should have stopped me!"  
  
"Does having a soul stop a serial killer from murdering people? Does it stop a thief from robbing a bank? Spike, four years ago if someone had given you a soul it wouldn't have made a difference in the world. You still would have.well, you know what you would have done. You didn't have the experiences then to make you want to be a good person. You didn't care like you do now. A soul doesn't keep you from doing right and wrong. You can always ignore it and do whatever you want anyway. Anyone can ignore the guilt. Believe me, I got pretty good at that."  
  
"Then why'd you make such a show of me not having one?"  
  
She looked away, ashamed to meet his eyes. "Because it was the only excuse I could use. Everything else about you was so human. I kept forgetting you weren't. I figured not having a soul meant it was okay to make you feel like shit. I never even considered how wrong I was."  
  
"You tore me up inside. I felt it. And I hated you for it."  
  
"I know."  
  
"No you don't, Buffy. Do you know how hard it is for a demon to forget everything he's known for a hundred years? To turn against everything instinct tells you to do?! All because I loved you enough to be what you thought I should be. I tried so hard to do what you wanted, but it wasn't good enough. Never good enough. I couldn't have given any more of myself than I did, but it was all for nothing because I didn't have that one thing that you considered to be a necessity. I didn't have a soul. The thing you're telling me now doesn't really matter."  
  
"I'm not saying it doesn't matter, Spike. It does. And that you would do something like that for me makes me realize even more what a complete idiot I was. But it shouldn't be just for me. It should be for you. To be proud of. I know I hurt you. It makes me sick when I think of some of the things I did to you. But I want to make up for it. As much as you think you need forgiveness, I need it too."  
  
"I hated you for making me feel.well, like less than a man. Because I was trying so hard to be one. But loving you outweighed any anger I had for you. It still does, Buffy."  
  
"If I asked you to stay, would you?"  
  
His head rose to look around the empty basement. "I wasn't going anywhere, luv."  
  
"No. I mean here. In Sunnydale instead of going back to LA. Would you stay with me if I asked you to?"  
  
He contemplated his words and then spoke. "Don't know, pet. Still working things out. Not good company some days."  
  
"It doesn't matter. I could deal with that. All I know is that I couldn't handle you leaving again. Not after."  
  
"Not after what?"  
  
She slid her arm around him and pushed herself against his body. "Not after realizing you took my heart the last time you left. I love you, Spike. I could never be happy with anyone else because my heart will always belong to you."  
  
His gaze touched her and warmed her entire body. The look of amazement in his eyes as he came to realize she really did love him was enough to carry her through should he make the decision to leave.  
  
"I want the chance to make things the way they should have been." She pushed herself up and licked his lips before softly placing her own over them. She kissed him tenderly, passing all the emotions she was feeling through her touch.  
  
"Say something quick, Spike. I need to know before." she hesitated.  
  
"Before what, pet?"  
  
"Before I can't turn back. Being this close to you, holding you. I want to feel you and make love to you and let you know how much I want you. Even if you decide to leave, can we at least have this? If you don't say anything else, just tell me we can enjoy each other tonight."  
  
"I've waited a long time to hear you say that. For you to ask me to make love to you. It's all I've ever wanted."  
  
"I want it. All of it. Will you make love to me, Spike?"  
  
Their lips met again with more fire than the previous kiss. He pulled her all the way up to lie over top of him, her body pressing against his but still not enough contact. He needed to feel her without the barrier of garments, without anything between them.  
  
One look into each other's eyes and all barriers were lifted. The past seemed to melt away as quickly as their clothes. The hurt, guilt, all the pain between them disappeared with each caress. A year apart and it took only a moment to remember how to please each other's bodies.  
  
As Buffy gazed deeply into Spike's shimmering eyes, she could finally understand the meaning behind the eyes being the window to the soul. Spike's soul shone with all the love and compassion he had for her. Only for her. Always for her.  
  
He rolled them over in one swift movement, positioning himself to take her the way she'd asked him to. Gently, slowly, deep kisses gave way to moans of pure ecstasy as he pushed his hardness into her body, filling her with the love he'd held inside for her. Only her. Nothing would ever compare to the heat of Buffy's body wrapped around him, milking him to the point of explosion.  
  
This was the slayer. The killer of his kind. The woman who had stolen his heart and turned his world inside out. Now as he lay buried deep inside her, all he could feel was the love she was giving as well as the tears making their way down his cheeks to land on the woman beneath him.  
  
"I love you, Buffy. I love you, I love you," he chanted over and over as she reached up to kiss the moisture from his face.  
  
"It's okay, Spike," she whispered, finding his lips once more. "It's okay. Let it go. Just feel me. Love me."  
  
And he did. As many times as she would allow him to until they both lay spent in each other's arms, no one else existing in the world but them. For that moment, time stopped and they were together. Buffy and Spike.just as they were meant to be.  
  
TBC 


	32. Decisions

Chapter 32  
  
Buffy woke to strong arms surrounding her and a leg draped across her midsection. She smiled at the sleeping man behind her. Casually, she noticed his lack of movement. The false pretense of breathing he gave up as he slept. Funny she'd never paid any attention to it before. Then again, she never stayed around long enough to notice anything. Jumping up and running at the first sign of intimacy, she'd never allowed herself to fall asleep in his arms. Until now. And it felt perfect.  
  
She wanted to stay, to enjoy the warmth between them, but she had things to do and people to see. She could see the sun faintly shining through the small window. Deciding not to disturb him she slowly peeled herself away, receiving a disappointed groan for her actions. Finding a blanket balled at the end of the mattress, she draped it around spike and searched for her clothes.  
  
She climbed the stairs and made her way to the kitchen trying to act as casual as possible. Her attempt was lost when three sets of eyes fell on her.  
  
"Oh, uh, morning," she managed with a hint of a blush.  
  
"Morning, Buffy." Willow smiled and gave the 'we need to talk later' look.  
  
Buffy nodded and headed for the refrigerator. She'd made it past Willow but Angel and Giles were the ones she was worried about. They were the ones staring at her like she was a teenager who'd just been caught coming home after curfew.  
  
"Okay guys. Stop giving me the third degree," she said while grabbing a can of diet coke. She opened it, taking a sip and hiked herself up onto the counter prepared for a lecture. The two men glanced at her, then each other and both left the kitchen shrugging.  
  
"What was that all about?"  
  
"I don't know. But you 'were' acting all guilty like. You can't blame 'em." "I just figured neither of them would be happy I'd spent the night in the basement with Spike."  
  
"Well, no. I guess not. But we have other things to talk about. Clem heard something about some caves north of town. Said some demons got chased out by some ugly vampires."  
  
"Ubervamps?"  
  
"That'd be my guess."  
  
"And where there's ubervamps....."  
  
"There's The First. You said it was in a cave underground before, right?"  
  
"Yeah. Under the Christmas tree lot."  
  
"Angel and Giles were talking about snooping around a bit."  
  
Buffy looked up, a surprised expression on her face. "No. They can't. We're not ready. We have to find a way to fight them but right now we're not strong enough!"  
  
"Well we can't just sit around here and wait either."  
  
Buffy jumped down off the counter and looked at her friend. "I don't intend to. I have an idea but unfortunately I need to talk to Angel about it first."  
  
"What kind of idea?"  
  
"Just something I came across. I don't want to say too much in case it doesn't work."  
  
"Alright. I get that. If you need any help."  
  
"I know Will, and I'm counting on it. I'll let you know what you can do when the time comes."  
  
"So what do we do until then?" "Well.I have to face Angel and you need to go upstairs and cuddle with your new girlfriend," she answered, slightly teasing.  
  
Willow smiled and blushed. "What's gotten into you?"  
  
"Just realizing you can't waste the time that you have. It'll be over before you know it."  
  
"You and Spike?"  
  
"Everything that's happened.him leaving, coming back.it made me realize I could have been happy a long time ago if I'd just let myself."  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"He'll be okay. Won't be winning any competitions for Mr. Cheerful anytime soon, but at least he's willing to try with the not brooding."  
  
"Good. That's all we need is another brooding vampire."  
  
"I don't brood," Angel complained, walking through the door.  
  
Willow rolled her eyes and focused on Buffy. "I think I'll take your advice. We'll talk later?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll see ya later."  
  
They watched Willow as she turned and left them alone.  
  
"Something tells me I'm being set up," Angel smirked.  
  
"Kind of."  
  
"So how was your night with Spike?" he asked with a sarcastic hint of jealousy.  
  
"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."  
  
He looked down away from her. "Save me the details. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."  
  
"Believe me, I'd rather not give you the details. I'm good, and I think Spike will be too. He just needs some time."  
  
"Suppose he's got plenty of that."  
  
"Willow said we might know where The First is hiding out," she muttered, changing the subject.  
  
"Looks like a good lead, yeah."  
  
"You and Giles are stupid if you think we can just go in there. We don't have the manpower to fight 'em all."  
  
"We don't have a choice, Buffy. This thing's been playing you for months. It's time to do something."  
  
"We aren't strong enough now but what if I told you I had an idea that could help."  
  
"I'd say let me hear it."  
  
"Stay here. I'll be right back."  
  
He gave her a confused nod and leaned back against the counter to wait. Buffy took off, heading upstairs to her room. She took a deep breath, trying to convince herself it was the right thing to do. Grabbing the book she had stuffed between her mattresses, she made haste back to the kitchen. Angel was still standing in the same place as when she left.  
  
"Maybe you should sit down for this."  
  
He hesitantly pulled out a chair and relaxed into it. "Okay. What do you have?"  
  
She took the chair beside him and laid the open book on the table, awaiting his reaction. Angel glanced at the page in front of him and then back to Buffy. "You've got to be kidding me."  
  
"I'm really not." "Buffy, you can't be serious. Do you know what this is? What it means? What it might do to you?!"  
  
She looked him directly in the eyes and nodded. "I know exactly what it is."  
  
"This is a vampire mating ritual," he offered as if he hadn't heard her.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Did Spike put this idea in your head?!" he asked, suddenly angry.  
  
"Calm down. No, Spike doesn't know anything about it. I wanted to run it by you first. See what you knew about it."  
  
"I know it's ancient. Not done anymore. That should tell you something."  
  
"But why isn't it done? There has to be a reason," she argued.  
  
"There's several. Where do you want me to start?" he asked with shortness in his tone.  
  
"Okay. So you don't like the idea. I get that. Jealousy aside, be honest. From what I've read, it would help. If I bond with Spike, we would share our strength."  
  
"At the risk of your life, Buffy. Or your sanity. You're human. Humans don't mate with Vampires."  
  
"I'm strong. You know it. I'm not just a normal human."  
  
"Buffy, I don't like it," he said stubbornly, pushing the book back toward her.  
  
"What don't you like? The ritual, or that I want to do it with Spike?" she asked, crossing her arms in front of her.  
  
"Both. I'll admit it. The thought of you being bound to Spike for the rest of your life......well, can't say it makes me happy."  
  
"Nothing is ever gonna make you happy when it comes to me. We had our shot, Angel. It didn't work. Time to move on, and he's what I want. Now, you can mope around and be broody about it, or you can help me so I don't screw it up."  
  
He took a deep unneeded breath and shook his head. "There's two different ways to do it."  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
"Well, one is informal and doesn't hold as strong of a connection. It's usually the one that gets screwed up. The other is more of a ritual and can be very powerful if it's done right. You'd be linked mind, body, and soul. Forever, Buffy. Nothing could ever break it. It's not like marriage where you can call it off if you're not happy. This is permanent."  
  
"I'm ready for permanent. But I thought that ritual called for the blood of the sire. I don't think finding Dru and asking for her blood is an option."  
  
"Dru?" he asked giving her a confused look.  
  
"Yeah. We would need her blood, right?"  
  
Angel looked away with an almost sad expression.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"I guess that's what Spike told you?"  
  
Buffy watched Angel's features closely, seeing the broodiness trying to ease its way out.  
  
"Yeah. He told me she found him in an alley and she sired him."  
  
He shook his head and sighed. "A hundred and twenty years and he's still trying to deny it." He looked up at her and caught her eyes. "Yeah, Dru found him in the alley. Went after him saying she wanted to keep him. I figured she was just talking nonsense like she always did so I left her to it. Didn't think she'd actually do it."  
  
Angel stopped, staring into nothingness as if he were reliving the memory. After a moment, he finally continued. "She'd been gone awhile so I went looking for her. Found them together. She was crying, babbling, not making much sense like usual....but she was begging. Begging me to let her have him. She'd already fed. Left him lying there on the ground. I could hear his heartbeat, but barely. He was almost dead. And she was frantic and still begging, out of her mind. So I did it. I slit my wrist and forced him to drink. It may have been Drusilla that drained him, but it's my blood that brought him back."  
  
Buffy sat in shock. "You sired him?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And he hates you?"  
  
"No. He resents me," he corrected.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"For leaving. When I was cursed, I left them. Without saying anything I just walked away. Tried going back a couple of years later but couldn't do it. I couldn't live the way they did. Even pretending, he saw right through it."  
  
She sat back in the chair, trying to comprehend the story he was telling. Her eyes closed and she conjured up the moment Spike had shown her along with the memory of seeing them so intimate together. Angel was his sire. And Angel had broken that bond between them. She was finally starting to understand what Spike had been saying. She almost felt sorry for the relationship they had lost.  
  
"Would you do it?"  
  
He blinked, coming back to the present. "What?"  
  
"Would you help us do the ritual?"  
  
His eyes were unreadable along with his expression. "I don't know, Buffy. I just don't know."  
  
"I need to talk to Spike, but if he agrees, we'll do it with or without your help. I'd rather it be the right way."  
  
"Even if I agree, Giles is never gonna let it happen."  
  
"That's why Giles doesn't find out until afterward."  
  
"I'm just worried about what it'll do to you. We don't have any way of knowing how you'll react. Buffy, when you're mating with a vampire you're mating with the demon. You'll take on characteristics you might not be able to deal with."  
  
"That's what I read and that's what I'm counting on." She reached over to grab his hand, softly placing it in her own. "We'll handle it. It's okay, Angel. Just agree."  
  
He gently rubbed the hand holding his and after a moment looked up. "You love him that much?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright. If he agrees, I'll do the ritual." 


	33. Resolving

Chapter 33  
  
Resolving  
  
Buffy rose from the table with the book in hand. She leaned in and softly kissed Angel's lips.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Yeah, well... I'll probably regret it, I'm sure."  
  
She smiled and turned to leave, deciding to wake Spike up and talk to him before she lost her nerve. Opening the door, she slowly took one step at a time as she began to anticipate what she was going to say. How was she supposed to ask him? What if he said no? More importantly, what was she getting herself into if he said yes?  
  
She was startled out of her thoughts when she met him at the bottom of the stairs. Her heart jumped at the sight of him. Mussed hair, shirtless, with his jeans pushed low on his hips. Almost a perfect sight except the sadness she saw in his eyes.  
  
"Spike... you're up."  
  
"Yeah. Woke up and you were gone."  
  
"Had something to do. Figured I'd let you sleep."  
  
"I didn't like it. Felt like...old times."  
  
She melted and leaned into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. "I'm not going anywhere, Spike. Last night was, well, it was incredible. Exactly how it should have been. I won't make the same mistake I did a year ago."  
  
She felt the tension in his grip lesson and pulled back to look at him. "In fact, I really need to talk to you about something."  
  
He eyed her wearily. "Sounds serious."  
  
"It is. Come and sit."  
  
He followed her to the mattress and sat down with Buffy easing herself next to him. She laid the book beside her and turned to face him.  
  
"I want you to know how much last night meant to me."  
  
"It meant everything to me too, Buffy. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. After I thought I saw Angelus...."  
  
"It's okay, Spike. That's what The First wanted. It plays on confusion and emotions. But I don't want to talk about The First right now. I want to talk about us. About our future."  
  
"Is this the part where you let me down easy? Go away kicking and screaming?"  
  
"I told you things are different. Why can't you believe that?" she asked with desperation coloring her words.  
  
"Guess old habits die hard, pet."  
  
"Well bury them and get over it. Nothing is gonna change my mind." She reached over to gently caress his cheek. "I love you, Spike."  
  
He leaned into her hand and enjoyed the feel of her. He smiled and closed his eyes. "I love the sound of that."  
  
"Well get used to it. I intend on reminding you every hour of every day from now on."  
  
"There are other ways." His eyes opened to dart at the mattress suggestively.  
  
She smiled back. "As tempting as that would be right now, we're not done with the talking yet. Now, last night I asked if you would give me a chance to prove how much I love you."  
  
"I think you did a fine job of it, too, pet. No complaints here."  
  
"Stop it and listen to me," she scolded playfully. "What if there was a way for me to show you exactly how much you mean to me. A way that would remove any doubt from your mind."  
  
She watched as his eyebrow raised and his forehead wrinkled in the way it always did when he was thinking way too hard. Just as she did with Angel, she grabbed the text and placed it in front of him, turning to the page she wanted him to see.  
  
His eyes widened and his lip curled down into a frown. "No."  
  
Her heart dropped. "No?"  
  
"No," he answered sternly.  
  
"Why not? I thought you'd be happy."  
  
"You thought wrong."  
  
"I don't understand. Spike, I want this. I want this for us. Something we can share," she pleaded, trying to convince him.  
  
"You have no idea what this is about, Buffy."  
  
"Yes, I do. I read it all. Several times."  
  
"Reading a bloody book and knowing how this ritual really works are two different things. It's dangerous."  
  
She curled her lips into a pout and crossed her arms. "Now you sound like Angel."  
  
"Angel?! You talked to him about this?"  
  
Guiltily she looked up at him. "Well, I wanted to know if he knew about it. How it worked. I figured since he'd been around longer..."  
  
"Guess I should have expected it." Spike stood up and walked away from her, trailing his way to the heavy bag hanging from the ceiling.  
  
"Expected what?" she asked from her place across the room.  
  
He punched the bag a couple of times and stopped to gaze at her. "You'll always go to him. Whenever you need someone, he'll always be the one."  
  
She scowled and shook her head, making her way off the mattress to join him.  
  
"No, Spike. I went to him because I didn't want to bring it up to you until I knew the facts. I thought you'd be all for it and I didn't want to get your hopes up."  
  
"Well you wasted your time. It's not gonna happen so just drop it." He turned and began pummeling the bag again.  
  
"Can't we talk about it?"  
  
"No."  
  
Buffy felt her anger rise but tried to control her tone. "Just like that, you made the decision."  
  
"There was never a decision to be made, pet."  
  
She turned away and began walking toward the stairs. "I guess not," she mumbled under her breath. Defeated and feeling empty, she made her way up and out of the basement, leaving him alone.  
  
Spike returned his full attention to the bag and cursed himself for letting her leave. He knew he could be a stupid git sometimes. He let his thoughts travel to the book. A mating ritual. Was she out of her mind?  
  
A few minutes went by giving him time to debate whether or not to go after her when he heard the door open. He felt relief and turned toward the heavy steps on the stairway expecting to see Buffy.  
  
"Angel."  
  
The other vampire made his way over to stand in front of Spike. "You're an idiot."  
  
His eyebrow rose. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me. You're an idiot, Spike."  
  
"Sod off." Spike pushed his way passed him and went for his duster lying on a nearby chair. Fishing through the pockets, he pulled out a Marlboro and slipped it between his lips.  
  
Angel shook his head and answered. "Believe me, I would if I could but not when it comes to Buffy."  
  
"Oh, that's right. You have to play the bloody hero, don't you?" Spike asked sarcastically as he lit the cigarette. "Did she send you down here?"  
  
"You hurt her."  
  
"Good thing you're around to make it all better then." He slid over to the mattress and casually climbed onto it, leaning his back against the wall.  
  
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but stop being such an ass and think about what you have for a change. For once in your life you have something worth keeping a hold of."  
  
Spike let his defenses drop a bit and looked at the other man. "You know what she wants."  
  
"Yeah. I do."  
  
"And you know what it entails."  
  
"Yeah. I know that too."  
  
"Alright then. Been nice chatting. Now......" Spike shooed him away with his hand and waited for the other man to leave.  
  
Angel placed his hands in his pockets and stood his ground. "I also know she loves you. How the hell you pulled that one off, I'll never know. But she does."  
  
"Burns, doesn't it? Knowing you can't have her."  
  
"Stop trying to piss me off, Spike. It won't make me leave. I'm doing this for your own good. There is a woman upstairs whose willing to risk everything for you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"  
  
Spike leaned over to toss the butt of the cigarette away and turned his attention away from his sire. Barely in a whisper he answered, "I don't deserve it."  
  
In a swift move, Angel was sitting beside Spike much in the same way Buffy was earlier.  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
Spike's eyebrow rose at the response he'd received.  
  
"At least that's what I would have thought up until three months ago."  
  
Angel turned his body toward the blonde and continued. "I know I haven't exactly been happy since I found out about you and Buffy. It kind of threw me. I never would have believed it if someone had told me last year. But then you showed up on my doorstep, and I saw for myself that you weren't the same man I'd known."  
  
Spike tried to interrupt, but Angel dismissed him. "You fought to be better. To be more than what you were. And you shouldn't take lightly what you gained. It's not an easy chore living with a soul after what we've done. But you have and you're better for it. For that, I'm proud of you."  
  
Spike's head lifted and his eyes met his sire's with a look of utter amazement.  
  
"I know the pain you go through, Spike. I feel it every day. And it doesn't get much better than it is now. After a hundred years it still burns. I try to pretend, to push it away. But it's always there, nagging, and eating away at you until you're begging for the faces to just disappear."  
  
Angel stopped long enough to glance at the tears he saw in the blue eyes staring at him. He tried to remain calm when all he wanted to do was protect his childe from the pain. "I put on a good show but it's always there. The guilt. The realization that I can never make up for the wrong that I've done. But I survive, and I live day to day. My curse serves its purpose. Just as they intended."  
  
The tears were slowly leaking, falling on sharp cheekbones. "Angel."  
  
"The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want this life for you. You deserve more. There was a time when I would have protected you from anything. Remember those days, William? I know you think I've forgotten, but I haven't. I remember it all. We've lost the physical bond we shared, but I can still feel it. Every time I look at you, I feel it. It's why I had to leave. I couldn't be around you, or Dru, and live with myself knowing the kind of life I destined you to. I take responsibility for it but I can also try to make it less painful for you."  
  
The confession hit Spike like a brick wall. He tried to talk, to make some sense out of Angel's words, but the emotions raging inside had control and refused to let him respond. He'd asked the question a million times but only to himself. Why had Angel left them? He'd never had the nerve to ask out loud or was afraid of what the answer would have been. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Angel continue.  
  
"As much as it'll kill me, what Buffy wants might just be the best thing that could happen to you. I tried to fight her on it, but then I realized she's right. She 'can' handle it. And in giving her part of your demon, she'll also give you part of her strength. Some of her goodness. Maybe that would be enough to help shed some of the guilt."  
  
Spike spoke the first words in what seemed like a lifetime. "What if I give her the insanity? The voices? I couldn't live...."  
  
Angel placed a single finger over his mouth to quiet him. "You're not insane, Spike. It's just the guilt. The voices are your own trying to torture yourself into believing you're crazy. I've been there. That part subsides."  
  
"What if it doesn't?"  
  
"Then Buffy and I will be there to help you through it. I didn't have anyone. I was on my own. You have a woman who loves you. Don't push her away for what you think is her own good. She knows what she's capable of and if mating with your sorry ass is what's gonna make her happy then you're stupid not to do it."  
  
"You know what happens in this ritual. That's the other reason I didn't want to do it."  
  
"I kind of figured that." Angel took a long, deep breath. "Don't worry, Spike. I know my limitations. Besides, I don't think my childe mating with the only woman I've ever loved would exactly bring me pure happiness. I think we're safe."  
  
"You'd actually do your part then?"  
  
"Already told Buffy I would." Angel hesitated. "Think I blew your whole cover story about Dru siring you."  
  
"Sorry," Spike answered shamefully.  
  
"It's alright. I understand."  
  
With the conversation over, Angel stood up to leave. "We can use the mansion. There can't be any interruptions. I'll set it up."  
  
Spike nodded and lay back, folding his arms behind his head, searching for the right words to approach Buffy with.  
  
Thank you everyone who reviewed! I highly appreciate it!!! ( 


	34. Planning

Chapter 34  
  
Planning  
  
Spike laid in the same spot for what felt like an eternity. Angel and Buffy. Angel and Buffy. He couldn't stop thinking about the woman he loved and the man who had sired him. His mind wandered continuously through the possible scenarios that could happen from the mating. As much as his body already felt like it belonged to her, his mind, his demon and his soul were screaming at him to make it permanent. He also drifted to thoughts of Angel and wondered why he was pushing so hard for the joining.  
  
Vampire mating hadn't been practiced in decades, mostly due to the non- monogomous nature of the species. They were not known to keep to one person for very long, that's saying they lived long enough to play the field so to speak. Spike had shared over a century with Drusilla, a rarity among demons. But now he wanted Buffy. Only Buffy, forever. He'd heard the stories passed down over the years. Tales of vampires gone mad, death and countless other horrors he'd not like to think about. All side effects of the ritual. If they were going to do it, it would be by the book and he'd die before letting Buffy get hurt.  
  
He climbed off the bed and grabbed his black tee, sliding it over his head. His boots followed, along with his duster. He made his way up the stairs to the main floor of the house in search of her. Angel's speech had convinced him to at least give her a chance to change his mind. Now that he wasn't completely opposed to the idea, he knew it wouldn't take Buffy very long to talk him into it.  
  
He rounded the corner to the front room, finding Willow and Giles talking to Anya and Xander. The voices quieted when Spike walked entered. The glare he received from the boy let him know immediately that he'd walked in on a conversation about him. One that obviously didn't put him in very good light.  
  
"Where's Buffy?" he asked.  
  
Xander stood from his place on the couch and turned to face Spike. "Away from you, which is a good thing."  
  
Spike's brow raised. "What's your problem, Harris?"  
  
"You mean other than housing a bloodsucking vampire?"  
  
"I think you'd better back off." The blonde moved in, his posture threatening.  
  
"I was gonna say the same thing to you, Spike. Buffy doesn't need you. She doesn't need someone who could turn around and eat half of Sunnydale at the drop of a hat."  
  
"Not Sunnydale. Only you," he answered coldly. "If I could stomach it."  
  
Xander ignored the snarky comment. "Go away. Leave before you do something else to put us all in danger again."  
  
Spike moved closer, his chest puffed in a show of dominance. "Looky, looky here. The boy finally thinks he has the wrinklies to take me."  
  
"I should have finished it last year when you were still chipped and whipped...had the axe and everything, but noooo. Buffy didn't want me to. Bet if she'd known that you were gonna..."  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Willow interrupted, pushing the two apart. "That's enough, Xander. It was a long time ago. And frankly none of your business." She turned toward Spike whose eyes were slanted in anger and noticed his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. "Buffy's out back."  
  
The vampire nodded at the witch and turned to leave when he felt a hand on his arm.  
  
"I won't let you hurt her," Xander threatened.  
  
Spike ignored him and pulled his arm away. "Sod off, you wanker."  
  
He left the room and disappeared out the back door, mumbling a string of obsenities as he went. Seeing Buffy's figure sitting on the step of the porch, he calmed himself and moved to join her. She stared into the distance, ignoring his presence. Things were silent until Spike spoke up.  
  
"You know, I have it in my mind to just do Harris and get it over with."  
  
She blinked and gave him a sideways glance of confusion.  
  
"Off him, I mean," he answered to clarify what could have been taken very badly. "He's being bloody annoying and he's just itching to piss me off."  
  
She nodded and looked down toward her feet. "Well, he never really got over the whole you and Anya thing. Took awhile for them to sort things out. I think it just bothers him knowing you've...been there."  
  
"Well if he hadn't left the girl at the alter..."  
  
Buffy interrupted, "Spike, let's not talk about Xander and Anya. You're never gonna win there."  
  
He sighed and allowed the silence to envelope them again. How had things become so uncomfortable after the night they'd shared? They'd exchanged words of love and endearment, giving themselves completely to each other after so long. Now they sat apart, unsure and uneasy.  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy," he whispered when the silence got to be too much.  
  
She shruggered her shoulders. "You don't want it. At least you were honest."  
  
"It's not that I didn't want to. I'm amazed that you would even consider...." He looked away. "I was afraid."  
  
Buffy turned to face him. "Afraid of what?"  
  
"Of everything. You know some of the risks. My brain just added a few more to the mix. Forever, Buffy. That's a long time."  
  
She frowned and her eyes showed a hint of defeat. "I get it."  
  
His brow raised and he realized she was taking it the wrong way. "No you don't. I mean for you, to be tied to a vamp for the rest of your life. You deserve more. Right now, you can choose, Buffy. If you decide to blow me off, you can. If I take you as a mate, it's not that simple. You don't have that choice anymore. The power of the bond decides for you."  
  
"I know what I want, Spike. And I would never....blow you off." She smiled at the innuendo.  
  
He shook his head. "Make puns all you like, luv. Point is, forever really is a long time."  
  
Buffy's hand reached up to brush against his cheek. "I know. And I want my forever to be with you."  
  
A lump formed in his throat as he felt the power in her words. The determination in her voice. At that moment, he knew he couldn't deny her anything.  
  
He reached for her hand and nodded. "Then forever's what I'll give you."  
  
Her lips curled into a large smile. "So what changed your mind?"  
  
"Oddly enough, Angel. What did you say to him?"  
  
"Nothing...really. Just asked him about the ritual. Actually, it took some convincing for him to agree, too."  
  
"Well now he's all up for the idea. Whatever you said, luv, he took it to heart."  
  
"I think he finally realized I'm gonna be with you no matter what. He's just afraid of us screwing up. He wants to feel like he has some control over what happens to me."  
  
"Well, pet, we do this and he really will."  
  
Buffy remained quiet for a moment and then looked back at Spike. "Is that why we need his blood?"  
  
He nodded. "That and it makes the bond stronger. When you mate with a vampire, you're mating with the whole family, so to speak. If something were to happen to me, it would be Angel's responsibility to protect you."  
  
She stared him down accusingly. "Because he's your sire?"  
  
Spike's eyes shifted as he faked a cough, trying to avoid the question.  
  
"Why'd you lie to me about that?"  
  
His gaze caught hers. "Don't know, pet. Been tellin' it that way for decades now. Angel was out of the picture for so long..."  
  
"But you missed him."  
  
"I bloody well did not!" he growled a little too quickly. "We were just fine, me and Dru."  
  
"Spike. That wasn't what I said. I know you did okay on your own. But that doesn't mean you didn't miss him. He's your sire. You had to feel something."  
  
"I hated him," he answered sadly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
He looked away afraid to meet her eyes. "Because he left. He disappeared without telling us why. And Darla, the bitch wasn't any help. She knew what was what but she took off too. Then it was just me and Dru. Was surprised to see him still around and kickin' in Sunnydale."  
  
She moved closer to comfort him, wrapping her arm around his back, rubbing gentle circles. "I don't think he wanted to leave. I think he had to."  
  
"Yeah, well, didn't make much difference then, did it? You don't understand the relationship. When you sire someone, there's a bond. Kinda like the one you want. Angel broke it when he left. And it's not just something you can get over."  
  
"Maybe he's trying to make it up to you by helping us."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Don't need the poof. Got you." He leaned in and kissed her gently. "Now, about this ritual....Angel offered the mansion. Got more privacy there."  
  
"Good idea. Can we do it now? Tonight?" Her eyes widened, a look of amazement adorning her face.  
  
"Thought you'd wanna wait a bit. Make sure..."  
  
She cut him off. "Don't wanna wait. I have a plan and that's part of it. Come on inside and I'll explain it to everyone. If everything goes right, by tomorrow morning, The First'll be history."  
  
"You sound pretty certain. What are you thinking?" he asked as he stood to follow her.  
  
She smiled and walked back inside, pulling him by the hand. They arrived in the living room with all eyes watching. Giles steadily cleaned his eyeglasses as Xander bit his lip, trying not to speak out. Kennedy had joined Willow on the couch beside Anya.  
  
"Okay guys. Listen up." She quieted until she had their full attention. "It's time to attack."  
  
Multiple gasps sounded around the room. "Huh?" Xander asked expectantly.  
  
"You heard me," Buffy answered. "It's time we show this thing what we've got."  
  
"And what exactly is that?" Anya questioned worriedly.  
  
"We've got us. That's what." She turned toward Willow. "Think you can handle some juice, Will? We need some power."  
  
"Like what? Not real big with the control here."  
  
She smiled at her skeptical friend. "I trust you. And I need you for some major mojo. You're the only one who can do it."  
  
Buffy turned toward Giles who was staring dumbfounded. "I need you as backup. Just in case anything gets past us. Think you can protect yourself? It'll probably be light outside by then so the vamps shouldn't be too much of a problem. I was thinking the bringers, maybe."  
  
"Um," glasses being slipped back in place," yes, of course."  
  
Xander waited patiently then spoke up. "What about me and Ahn?"  
  
"I want you to stay here. Look, if anything happens, I want you two to take care of Dawn. My dad's good for a pinch but the fatherly type he's not. He'll be ready to send her home in a couple of days."  
  
"But we can help," he offered, trying to argue.  
  
"No Xand, I need you here. Safe. With Willow's help, me, Spike and Angel should be able to handle it."  
  
"Where do I fit in?" Kennedy asked, sqeezing her girlfriend's hand.  
  
"The spell will take both of you. Your energy. You'll need to be with Willow."  
  
The dark haired girl nodded in complience.  
  
"You guys get some sleep. We'll go right before dawn."  
  
Xander glanced from Buffy to Spike. "What are you gonna do?" he asked sarcastically.  
  
Buffy smiled back, ignoring his smirk. "We've gotta prepare. We'll be back to round everyone up when it's time."  
  
The gang stared in confusion, but finally one by one, began to stir. Saying their goodnights, they all made their way upstairs, leaving Buffy and Spike by themselves.  
  
She turned to him, pulling him close, sliding her arms around his waist. "Are you ready for this?"  
  
"Lead the way, pet."  
  
**************************************** 


	35. Mating

This chapter is a heavy R rating for sex and language. Please be aware before reading.  
  
Chapter 35  
  
Mating  
  
Buffy and Spike came slowly upon the mansion. Neither had spoken during their walk, both nervously anticipating what was to come. The mood of the town did nothing to help the tenseness they were feeling. As they moved through Sunnydale, they noticed an eery calmness settled upon the place. No creatures, dead or alive, moving around in the night. No chirps of nighttime crickets sounding in their ears. It was unusually silent.  
  
Buffy gripped Spike's hand as they stared at the doors of the deserted building. The flickering of firelight could be seen through the window to the right, letting them know Angel was there and waiting for them. Buffy turned toward Spike and smiled. "Guess this is it."  
  
He took both hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "Not too late to change your mind, luv."  
  
She reached up to capture his lips. After a long, deep kiss, letting him know just how much she wanted him, she whispered, "Forever, remember?"  
  
He nodded. "Forever."  
  
Buffy pushed open the large door and pulled Spike inside with her. They found Angel standing by the roaring fireplace, waiting for their arrival. He walked to greet them and rested his eyes on the other vampire. "Glad to see you came to your senses. I wasn't sure you would."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Yeah, well, you two can be bloody convincing."  
  
The two men turned to watch Buffy who was slowly walking around the room. No natural lighting, the shadows from the fire danced off the walls and around the large space. Angel had positioned candles along the corners, adding their own shimmery glow and ambience. She stared down in the center to a huge, dark blanket spread out in front of the fireplace.  
  
"I tried to make things nice. Place was a mess. Don't think anyone's been here for years." Angel said, gestering around the mansion.  
  
"Thank you," Buffy answered, lowering herself to kneel on the blanket. She closed her eyes and let the heat from the fire wash over her.  
  
"I'll be right back." Angel walked passed her and disappeared into another room quickly.  
  
Spike discarded his duster, laying it on the back of a chair close to him, and walked toward Buffy. She held out her hand, inviting him to join her. He complied, easing himself down to sit beside her. "You're beautiful," he whispered as he watched the light dance upon her features.  
  
"You keep saying things like that and we might not get to this ritual," she teased.  
  
His hand reached up to caress her hair as his lips leaned in hungrily. Hers opened and allowed him access, enticing his tongue to trace hers.  
  
Angel appeared in the doorway, clearing his throat to get their attention. He pushed the feeling of jealousy away, knowing the evening would get much worse before it was over. Two pairs of eyes rested on him.  
  
He held out a glass to Buffy and a bottle to Spike. "Thought this might make things a little less...tense."  
  
"Wine?" she asked.  
  
"With a dash of something to relieve the jitters."  
  
She gave a worried look.  
  
"It's okay, Buffy. Just figured it would help. It'll be out of your system in a couple of hours."  
  
She stared at the bubbling liquid. "You're sure?"  
  
Angel moved to sit beside her and pushed the glass to her lips. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, Buffy. You know that."  
  
She nodded and downed the drink entirely. Spike met Angel's glance and raised an eyebrow to the other man. A knowing look passed between them. Even though she was willing, they both knew she might not be entirely ready to experience true vampire mating without a little help. Something to allow her to let go of her inhibitions. Spike held up his bottle for a toast. Angel joined him as they too worked on finishing their drinks.  
  
Buffy placed her empty glass beside her and looked between them "So what happens now?"  
  
"I've gone over it. Every detail. I'll help you through it." Angel answered softly.  
  
Her eyes widened. "You're gonna be here for the whole thing?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"Well...mating ritual...sex...me and Spike? You're gonna watch?!"  
  
He smiled and sighed. He'd forgotten how naive she could be. "Not if you don't want me to."  
  
It had honestly never crossed her mind that he would stay. Share his blood, say goodnight, and off he'd go. That's more of what she'd expected. She looked to Spike for an answer. "Woudn't that bother you?"  
  
"Vampire ritual, pet. You keep forgetting we don't share the same morals as humans. But it's up to you, Buffy. Whatever you want."  
  
She glanced between them again. "Alright, let's just start and see what happens, okay?"  
  
With agreement all around, Angel reached over to grab a gold goblet from behind him on the floor. His other hand reached for a small, jewelled dagger. Buffy watched in amazement as he held the blade and sliced into the palm of his hand, squeezing the blood into the chalice. With a quarter of the cup full, he grabbed a nearby hankerchief to wrap his hand. He searched buffy's eyes as he handed her the offering.  
  
She took it, staring deep into the red liquid.  
  
"Drink it and take me into you. The blood of your mate's sire will lay claim to the knowledge that you are his. You will be of our line and therefore protected as such."  
  
He nodded for her to drink. Buffy eyed the cup once more and then downed the substance quickly. The bitter taste slid past her tongue and down her throat. She held her breath, making sure it stayed down properly and then handed the goblet back to Angel.  
  
Again he took the cup as he unwrapped his hand. The dagger reappeared and sliced through the same wound. Once there was enough, he handed it to Spike.  
  
"Drink it and take me into you. The blood of your sire will lay claim to the knowledge that you have taken a mate. She will be of our line and therefore protected as such."  
  
The blonde vampire greedily gulped the blood from the cup, savoring the taste of his sire after so long without it. When it was dry, the goblet was discarded.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes as a rush of heat flowed through her. It felt like fire running through her veins. She began to feel lightheaded and decided to lay back until it passed. She steadied her breathing until she felt cool lips on hers. Opening her eyes, she found herself staring into the yellow gaze of Spike in full vampire visage, and gasped.  
  
"Sorry, pet. Didn't think. Should have warned you."  
  
"No, Spike. It's okay," she answered, reaching up to caress the ridges of his forehead. "Just wasn't expecting it. I don't mind."  
  
"This is me, Buffy. Nothing hidden. This is what you want to spend the rest of your life with. I am a demon, luv. Can you live with that?"  
  
Her fingers traced his features down his brow, over his sharp cheekbone, coming to rest on his lip. "You're beatiful no matter what face you wear."  
  
Their mouths met again as he shifted his body to lay half on top of hers. He kissed her roughly, although careful not to let his sharpened teeth nick her lips. She was driving him mad, letting her tongue travel along the sharp ridges and then even more so when she rubbed up and down his sensitive fang.  
  
He pulled away. "Easy, luv. Playin' with fire there."  
  
She pulled him back in and repeated her actions, receiving a growl from the vamp. "You like that?"  
  
"You keep doing it and I won't be responsible for what happens to you," he answered with a smile.  
  
"Mmmm. Found a sensitive spot. Anything else I need to know? Any other little spots that need caressing?" The effects of the drugged wine were starting to kick in and Buffy was beginning to feel a little more unreserved. Her tongue reached out to lick his neck and she began to nibble with blunt teeth.  
  
"I would think after the things we've done, pet, you'd know every inch of me by now," he answered, enjoying the feel of Buffy against him.  
  
"I really only concentrated on certain inches of you, Spike," she said breathlessly in his ear as she slid her leg between his and began to rub. "Now I want to know the rest of you."  
  
"Oh, Buffy... luv, you're so hot." He took her hand and lead it to the growing bulge in his jeans. "Feel how hard you make me?"  
  
She licked her lips hungrily. "I wanna taste you. I wanna make you scream and growl. I love all the little noises you make when you come."  
  
"Buffy..." he moaned as she began rubbing her hand against his erection.  
  
"Um...hate to interrupt, but there's still a small thing that needs to be done first?"  
  
Buffy and Spike both sighed as they turned their attention to Angel. In all the excitement of their foreplay, they'd both lost sight of what they were there for and the presence of the other vampire.  
  
"Mmmm. Sorry, Angel. Got a little carried away," Buffy answered, still trying to stay attached to Spike's lips. As she finally pulled away, she leaned in and whispered, "I want you. I need to feel you inside me. I need you to fuck me, Spike." Her whole body was trembling, heat still pouring through her. Not sure if it was Angel's blood or the drink she'd had, but she felt like a bitch in heat and had the soaked through panties to prove it.  
  
Angel moved in closer, trying to distract them. When he finally had their attention again, he gestured for Spike to sit up, receiving a distressed moan from Buffy as he did. Spike was having just as hard a time peeling himself away as the smell of her arousel overtook the room.  
  
"Are you two always like this?" Angel asked, looking back and forth between them.  
  
"Mm hum," they both answered, trying to move as close together as possible.  
  
Their answer received a wide eyed response and a shake of the head as he reached around the side of the couch to retrieve another cup. "What now?" Spike asked.  
  
"Just some herbs. Mixed with a little spell. You both have to drink this before the mating." He handed it over to Spike who sniffed the offending odor and scoffed at the cup.  
  
"Bloody hell." He glanced at Buffy waiting patiently beside him. Lifting it, he guzzled half the concoction before handing it over, trying to control the horrified expression on his face.  
  
Buffy took the potion and downed the rest, wiping her lips on her sleeve. The two men looked wonderously at her. "Hey, had to be better than blood, right?"  
  
"Whatever you say, luv."  
  
"Now, turn and face each other." Angel directed.  
  
They did as told and Spike sat with his legs out as Buffy climbed onto his lap, wrapping hers around his waist.  
  
Angel shook his head again. "Whatever works," he mumbled to himself. "Spike? Do you know this part?"  
  
"Yeah, mate," the blonde answered quickly. Spike grabbed Buffy's attention with a kiss. He was surprised she hadn't protested to his features. He was still in game face and intended to stay until after the ritual was done. She sat inches away, intently staring into his gaze.  
  
"Buffy, I've never known a woman like you. You're strong, both in mind and body. Strong enough to teach a monster to be a man. Now that you've let me in, I know you love deeply and wholeheartedly. I feel it when you look at me. I've seen your soul and I want to share it with you forever. Will you let me share your heart, your soul and your entire being?"  
  
She rested her eyes upon him, trying to see through the tears blurring her vision. "Yes, Spike. I want to be with you forever. Will you take me? Make me yours?"  
  
Spike stared in astonishment. She was actually going to give herself to him. In all the years he'd followed her around, loving and being unloved back, he never would have imagined a moment like this. He couldn't help but stare.  
  
Angel watched on the sideline until he noticed Spike was frozen in the moment. He slowly reached up, pulling Buffy's hair to the side and bent her head gently in the other direction.  
  
"Take her Spike. Make her yours."  
  
Yellow eyes caught brown ones for a split second before Spike moved in, growling posessively as his fangs breeched the skin of Buffy's neck. She flinched at the feel of the intrusion, and then relaxed as he began to suckle the blood from her body. As he drank, his hands grabbed her from behind and he pulled her closer, grinding his throbbing erection against her center. She moaned into him and reached for the back of his neck, wrapping her fingers through the curled tips of his hair.  
  
As he managed to come back to his surroundings, Spike withdrew, licking the excess blood from his lips. "You're mine, Buffy."  
  
She stared, not sure of what to do. She turned her eyes toward Angel and noticed his demon was also at the forefront. In a quick movement, he grabbed Spike's head and leaned him away. Angel's face moved closer, stopped for a moment to look at Buffy, then closed in, sinking into Spike's neck. He speedily pulled out and lead her mouth to the wound. "Drink him and it'll be done."  
  
Buffy latched on and sucked with all her might, pulling as much blood as she could before she felt queasy. Spike moaned under her, grabbing and pulling, begging her to take everything. She pulled away and stared into lustful eyes. She knew it was the most intense moment she'd ever experienced. Sweat poured from her and her body was throbbing with need. She felt arms from behind her on her shoulders, moving around her, fumbling with buttons as Spike's mouth overtook her own. She managed a glance down and realized Angel's hands were pulling her blouse down, exposing her naked skin and erect nipples. He held her around the waist as she leaned her head back against his body. Spike slowly made his way down, licking from her neck to her breasts.  
  
His eyes finally looked up to meet hers. "Do you want Angel to go?"  
  
"I don't... no...I don't care, Spike. I just need... make me come. Please, Spike. I'm so hot and I need you so much. I need you to make me come."  
  
With her legs still wrapped around his waist, he quickly unbuttoned her jeans, fumbling with the zipper until he managed to back away and pull them off of her. Her sopping panties joined her jeans in the pile as she began trying to thrust against him.  
  
"Mmmm, Buffy. You're so wet, luv. You smell so good. Do you want me to taste you?"  
  
"God, yes! Please!" she demanded with growing need. He reached onto the couch and grabbed an oversized pillow, pushing it underneath her hips, giving him better access.  
  
He grabbed her legs and pushed them wide, pushing his tongue inside her.  
  
"Auugghh," she moaned, already trembling with the feeling of his tongue inside her. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation, when a hand pulled her head sideways and back. Angel reached down and thrust his lips onto hers, pleading access to her warm mouth. She opened up and let him in.  
  
Spike quickened his movements as his tongue slid up and down, finally catching her clit and flicking it roughly back and forth. His eyes darted up to find Buffy and Angel engaged in a deeply intense kiss. Instead of feelings of jealousy, a wash of desire flooded through him. Seeing his mate with his sire was both exciting and erotic and he secretly wondered just how far Angel could go without unleashing Angelus. He wanted to give Buffy as much pleasure as she could handle. He sped up, licking and sucking her nub and then slid in to tongue her until he felt her begin to quiver and buck up toward him.  
  
Buffy let go of Angel's lips as she ascended toward her orgasm. His hands reached out to tweak her nipples while Spike grabbed her legs to keep her from getting away from him. She began to shake with release and screamed out her lover's name as she collapsed.  
  
Spike listened as she screamed for him. His name. Not Angel's. His. And he felt complete. He lapped up the remainder of her juices from his lips and climbed up her body to ravage her mouth. He had to be inside her. Now. He wanted to sink his fangs in as he pounded into her tight heat.  
  
"I need you, Buffy. I want to fuck you, and drink you and make you beg for more."  
  
"Please, Spike. I need it, too. I need to feel you. It's like I can't be close enough."  
  
He kissed her deeply. "It's the claim, luv. I feel it too. Never felt anything like it before."  
  
She turned her head slightly when she realized they were alone. "Where's Angel?"  
  
"Don't know. Was too busy snogging you to notice." He smiled and then looked at her, pondering a thought. "Did you enjoy that?" His tongue reached out to lick her lip. "Kissing Angel while I fucked you with my tongue?"  
  
"Did you mind?" she asked sheepishly.  
  
"Doesn't matter, pet. Did 'you' enjoy it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good. And no, I didn't mind. You have to understand, vampires are different. As sire, Angel doesn't need permission, luv. I was surprised he even asked if you minded that he stayed. But you're mine, Buffy. I feel it in my gut. And he'll respect that, even considering the history."  
  
"He doesn't need permission for what?"  
  
"Well, for anything. Traditionally, it's his right to take my mate before I do."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. And I would have to watch while he did it. Glad he has that damned curse."  
  
"Even if he didn't, he wouldn't."  
  
"Don't know, luv, and don't want to think about it. I don't mind sharing as long as I'm involved. Don't think I could handle seeing him pleasure you without me." His eyes turned down away from her.  
  
She was ready to change the subject and smiled seductively at him. "You have too many clothes on. I'm ready for the begging."  
  
"Was just joking, pet. I'd never make you beg."  
  
"Shut up and get naked so you can fuck me good and proper."  
  
"I like it when you talk dirty," he teased.  
  
She reached up and nipped at his lip. "Human nature calls, but when I get back, I expect full naked Spike, got it?"  
  
"Loud and clear, pet." 


	36. Bonding

****Warning!!!!********Warning!!!!******Warning!!!************* This chapter contains scenes of M/M sex. If you are offended by this or would rather not read it, please go on to the next chapter. If you are not, please read and review!!!  
  
*****************************  
  
Chapter 36A  
  
Bonding  
  
She'd been gone for less than a minute when Spike felt a stirring in the pit of his stomach. A gnawing feeling that something was wrong. He quickly pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it into the corner. His socks and boots followed as he eagerly undressed. His hand made its way to the buttons of his jeans as a sense of nausea passed through him. He eased his way onto the couch when his head began to swim. Closing his eyes, trying to steady the spinning room, he felt a presence.  
  
"Are you okay?" Angel asked.  
  
Spike looked up at the other man who was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, staring at him intently. "Came over a bit queasy's all."  
  
Angel nodded and turned his eyes toward the fire. A long moment of silence passed between them before he spoke again. "I'm sorry."  
  
Brown eyes met blue ones. "For what?"  
  
"For the kiss. It just felt.....right. Seeing you like that, I couldn't help it." His gaze traveled back to the comfort of the fire. "I wanted her so badly."  
  
"I know."  
  
"That doesn't bother you?" he asked, turning his attention back to the blonde.  
  
"Bloody hell, Angel. You're cursed, not dead." A knowing looked passed between them. "Okay, technically..... But you're still a man for Christ sake. I'd be calling you a ponce if I didn't think you'd get a hard on for her. Anyway, figured you'd left to go toss off somewhere."  
  
"It's hard, being here. Seeing the two of you," Angel said, ignoring Spike's comment and trying not to look too guilty.  
  
"No one said you had to stay, mate."  
  
"I wanted to. I needed to see it done. I love Buffy, I'll never deny that.... and I think I was looking for the closure I needed to let her go."  
  
"Did you find it?"  
  
"I know she's happy. That's good enough."  
  
"Well then why don't you toddle off and let us have a proper shag, would ya?" Spike asked, motioning him toward the door.  
  
Angel glared. "Could you be any more obnoxious?"  
  
"That's for the slayer's ears only, peaches. Now if you don't mind...." He stood, fighting the nauseous feeling still churning in his stomach, and returned his attention to removing the last of his clothes.  
  
"Actually, there was something else I needed to talk to you about."  
  
Standing naked with no hint of embarrassment, Spike made his way to his duster to fish a much-needed cigarette out of his pocket. As he flicked open the Zippo, he noticed Angel's gaze on him.  
  
"Are you just gonna stand there gaping?"  
  
Angel frowned but remained silent.  
  
"What is it then?"  
  
"I want things to be the way they used to be."  
  
"And how's that?" Spike asked, lighting the cigarette he'd been holding between his teeth.  
  
"I want to reclaim you."  
  
He took a deep inhale of smoke into his lungs and blew it out slowly, giving Angel a look that read insanity.  
  
"Don't you miss it?" Angel asked.  
  
"What's there to miss?"  
  
"The bond."  
  
"I'll have it with Buffy."  
  
"It's not the same thing. You know the bond between sire and childe is nothing like taking a mate."  
  
"A mate is forever. A sire... well, can up and leave anytime he likes. Isn't that right?" He finished off the rest and threw the butt away.  
  
"I know you hate me for that, but I'm here now and I want us to have what we lost. I watched your back, you watched mine, remember?"  
  
"Was a long time ago, Angel. Things were different then. We were different."  
  
"We don't change. Not us, not demons. Remember that, Spike? I seem to recall someone trying to convince me of just that."  
  
"Yeah, well. That someone also wanted to kill the slayer.... I can admit when I'm wrong."  
  
"You weren't wrong. Things around us change and we acclimate ourselves to our surroundings. That's how it's always been. But the demon inside... the demon knows its blood. Family blood. That doesn't change."  
  
"You haven't been family for a long time. A hundred years give or take, that about right?"  
  
Angel moved in, closing the distance between them. "I know you feel it. The same way I do. Give in to it, Spike. You need me."  
  
"I'm standing here stark naked and you're asking me to give in. What, you gonna jump me right here? Right now?" he asked sarcastically.  
  
"If that's the way it has to be."  
  
"By force then is it? That's mighty Angelus of you."  
  
"I never would have asked back then. I took you when I wanted you."  
  
"I remember."  
  
"Well here's the difference. Now I'm asking. I'm asking you to do this. Let me re-establish the bond we had. It can only help both of us."  
  
Spike sighed, shaking his head. "Bloody impossible situation." His eyes met the hopeful ones of his sire. "Buffy would never go for it. She wouldn't understand."  
  
"Don't be too sure. You're talking about a slayer who just mated with a demon. She's seen worse. Besides, we've still got a couple hours of happy Buffy before it wears off. She might surprise you."  
  
"If she freaks, I'm blaming you."  
  
Angel smiled in the realization that Spike had agreed without saying it.  
  
"That's if I can suss out this queasiness. Came on quick whatever it is."  
  
Angel answered him casually. "It's the claim. Buffy left, you felt sick. It'll get better."  
  
As if on cue, the sickness began to subside and was replaced with the familiar tingling he associated with Buffy. He turned around and saw her walking toward him.  
  
Buffy gave an inquisitive look as she eyed a very naked Spike and a very clothed Angel standing in front of him. She shrugged and slid next to the blonde vampire whose gaze hadn't left her. "That was weird."  
  
"What, pet?"  
  
"Well, I was in the bathroom trying my hardest not to heave everything in my stomach. I figured it was the drink, or the blood. Now I feel fine. As soon as I saw you..."  
  
"The feeling went away."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And now you can't think of anything other than throwing me down and fucking me raw?"  
  
She pondered him with lust filled eyes. "That about covers it."  
  
He grabbed her hand, pulling her over to the blanket. "I had the same feeling, luv. Came over sick soon as you left. Now...." His eyes traveled down the length of her body. "I've never wanted to be inside you so bad."  
  
"I need to feel you, Spike. I need you touching me, feeling me.... tasting me."  
  
He pulled her to him, plunging his lips to hers, winding his fingers through her long blonde hair. Without realizing it, they were on the floor, his body beneath hers, kneading and caressing every available body part between them. She caught Angel staring intently at them and felt an odd sensation. Maybe it was the drug, but she liked the idea of him watching. It felt erotic and sexy, almost taboo. If he were intent on staying, she'd at least make sure he got a good show.  
  
Buffy sat up on her knees to straddle his body as Spike grabbed her hips with both hands, guiding her over top of his cock. He released one hand from her to wrap it around his length. He pushed his slick head against her most sensitive spot, rubbing against the swollen nub, warranting a gasp and moan from both of them.  
  
"I can't wait, luv. I need you." He stopped the teasing and pushed into her, her wetness allowing him to slide all the way in.  
  
Buffy squeezed the muscles she knew he liked and began to raise slowly, milking him as she went. He pulled her back down and grabbed her hips again, stopping all movement.  
  
"Stop, luv. Don't move or I'm gonna come." He shifted positions so he could sit up with her in his lap. His lips grabbed hers and hungrily latched on.  
  
She stopped and stared into the human-like eyes gazing back at her wondering when he'd returned to his human visage. "I had no idea."  
  
He looked at her questioningly.  
  
"I had no idea I could feel any deeper than I already did. I want to stay like this forever."  
  
"It's like a craving. I can't get enough of you," he agreed.  
  
His eyes flickered yellow and a low growl eased its way out. She placed her hands on the back of his neck and leaned back, exposing her throat. "I know what you want. I feel it."  
  
Buffy watched as his features shifted. She felt the heat in her body center around the area where he was still buried deep within her. The growl grew louder, turning to one of animal possessiveness. She closed her eyes when she felt the prick of his fangs barely entering her. She moaned loudly, flexing her muscles tightly around the throbbing hardness inside her body.  
  
The feeling made Spike's demon loose all sense of his surroundings. He pushed Buffy back roughly against the floor and pierced deep into the vein he knew would taste like ambrosia. Her blood began to pour over his tongue, and he heard her voice rising as she began thrusting against him. Her arms grabbed at him to pull his body as far inside as he could go.  
  
"Oh, god, Spike. So good.... you feel so good. Fuck me harder..... I need you to..... oh, yeah, just like that..... I'm gonna......"  
  
He pounded into her, feeling the tight clench and release of her muscles as she began to convulse around him. His body tensed and he pushed his hips as tight as he could against her to allow the deepest penetration as he came. He felt the sting as her nails sunk into his ass, pulling him closer as her back arched causing her head to fall further back. He regained the hold on her neck, still sucking, not wanting to let go of the incredible feeling.  
  
He felt her heartbeat slowing as the effect of her orgasm began to wear off and her breathing started to return to normal. He forced the demon back, pulling from her neck as fangs retreated into hiding and ridges disappeared into smooth skin. Spike closed his eyes and rolled off onto his back, resting his arms under his head, relishing in the moment. Buffy snuggled next to him, running lazy circles with her fingertips on his chest.  
  
Buffy glanced around, realizing once again that Angel had disappeared. 'Maybe we should get him a bell like Xander had suggested years ago,' she thought silently. She snickered at her private joke and turned her attention back to the vampire beside her.  
  
"Why didn't we do that before?"  
  
"What, luv?"  
  
"The whole biting thing. God, I felt like I was gonna explode."  
  
"Well, pet, you would have been vacuuming up my remains if I'd tried that before."  
  
She sighed as her lip rolled into a pout. "Yeah, I guess. But didn't you ever think about it?"  
  
"Every bloody time, slayer."  
  
She leaned in further to look up at him. "But you never tried."  
  
"Like I said, I kind of like all my parts intact."  
  
She rolled over, mimicking his position, lying on her back. "Mmmm.... I'd forgotten how erotic it was."  
  
His eyebrow raised with genuine curiosity and a hint of jealousy. "Do tell, luv."  
  
"No, you definitely don't want to know. I shouldn't have said anything."  
  
"Too late," he insisted, rolling over on his side with his head raised on his elbow. "It's not like I'm completely daft." His finger brushed up to rub the old scar on her neck. "I know I'm not the first to taste you."  
  
"And I'm sure you know who was."  
  
"Assumed."  
  
"It wasn't what you're thinking. Angel was dying. My blood was the only thing that could save him."  
  
"How bloody hospitable of you, slayer."  
  
"It was the right thing to do. The only thing I could do."  
  
"Always the hero. But you got off on it, didn't you? Let him have a little taste..." He nuzzled closer, nipping her neck with blunt teeth. "I bet he was hard... yeah, bet he was so bloody hard he was dying to bury that cock inside you while he sunk his teeth in."  
  
"It wasn't like that," she whispered breathlessly.  
  
"Yes it was. Always is."  
  
His hand slowly traveled down the length of her body, a fresh scent of arousal invading his nostrils. She tensed as he rubbed her painfully slow and then dipped a finger into her wetness. "I can imagine you squirmin' under him, wanting it all even if he couldn't give it to you. Did you come, slayer?" His finger stroked in and out, curving each time to rub the spot he'd grown to know she loved.  
  
"Mmmmm..."  
  
"You did, didn't you? There's nothing like the first time a vamp gets a hold of you. I bet you came harder than you ever had."  
  
Her eyes closed tightly as the sensation began to build. The deep almost hypnotic sound of his voice was bringing her to the edge as his finger moved just right.  
  
"Because there's nothing like the feeling of a vampire with its fangs buried deep inside your jugular. Always something sexual about it. Even during a kill, the smell of release made the draining that much better. They couldn't help it. And it always made me hard. You think it was any different for him?"  
  
She began to pant, soft whimpers escaping her lips.  
  
"Difference is, luv, he was the first one to taste you, but I'll always be the last."  
  
Her body began to shudder as he let his fangs rip into the skin he'd been rubbing earlier. His finger sped as her orgasm ripped through her, knowing he was claiming what was his by leaving his mark over the one Angel had put there years ago. He didn't suck, the purpose only to mark her, claim her, make her his. When her body stilled, he pulled out and kissed her lips.  
  
"Dracula bit me, too."  
  
He rolled his eyes, an expression of exasperation evident in his gaze.  
  
"Bloody hell, slayer."  
  
"Sorry," she joked as an afterthought. "But that one doesn't count. He had magic or something. I couldn't help it."  
  
"Thrall."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Thrall. Dracula uses gypsy parlor tricks. Anyone can do it. Not so special."  
  
She eyed him suspiciously. "You sound jealous."  
  
"Never did like the poncy bugger."  
  
"You 'are' jealous!" she said, grinning ear to ear.  
  
"What of it? Anyway, he welches on his bets. Never trust a bloke who cheats."  
  
She looked accusingly at him. "Coming from a right, upstanding citizen such as yourself."  
  
"Damn right, slayer. It's not cheating unless you get caught." He smiled at the game between them until he noticed Angel reappear in the doorway. He focused his attention back to Buffy and sat up, pulling her with him.  
  
"What is it? What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing, luv. I just need to talk to you about something."  
  
"Anything, Spike."  
  
"Well, you know a little about sire and childe relationships, right?"  
  
"Not really. Only what your brain decided to show me on our little trip."  
  
"Okay... well, that's part of it."  
  
"Seemed like a big part if you ask me."  
  
He looked down, rubbing her hands gently with his own.  
  
"Would that bother you?"  
  
Her eyes widened in amazement. "Oh my god!"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"You wanna have sex with Angel!"  
  
"What!? No! Well..... Not really."  
  
"Not really?"  
  
He sighed, not sure of how to explain it. Angel came to the rescue, finally joining them in the room.  
  
"I've asked Spike to reaffirm the bond between us."  
  
She looked back and forth between the two men. "Which means?"  
  
"I want to reclaim him."  
  
She tilted her head in confusion, not unlike a gesture Spike would usually make. "And he would do this why?"  
  
Angel shrugged. "Because I asked him to."  
  
She looked at Spike who was still sitting quietly beside her. "And you always do what Angel asks," she pointed out with a large hint of sarcasm.  
  
"If you don't want me to..."  
  
"No. This is between the two of you. Your choice. I suppose there is some kind of sex involved though?"  
  
Spike's eyes found his sire's. "A bit. Yeah."  
  
"And the curse?" she asked, directing her attention toward Angel.  
  
"Not an issue. Not really a perfect happiness kind of moment."  
  
"I don't know. Have you had sex with Spike lately? Cuz perfect happiness? Comes pretty damned close if you ask me."  
  
"Not exactly the same thing, Buffy." Angel answered, a hint of the green- eyed monster present.  
  
"Okay, I just have one more question." Both men braced for the bombshell. "Do I get to watch?"  
  
Spike's mouth dropped in astonishment.  
  
"Just kidding," she teased. "Well, not really. Do I?"  
  
Spike looked up at the other vampire. "What did you give her!?"  
  
Buffy playfully slapped him on the shoulder. "It's not that. Okay, maybe just a little bit, but gees, the thought of you and Angel... that's kinda hot."  
  
"I'll show you hot, slayer." Spike moved in, grabbing Buffy by the arms and pulled her in for a deep kiss.  
  
"Mmmm."  
  
"I know what you like," he whispered tenderly in her ear. "What gets you hot."  
  
His hands danced down the skin of her arms, raising the flesh into a mound of goose bumps. He leaned in and let his tongue wander from behind her ear and down the side of her neck as he pushed her back onto the blanket again.  
  
"Everything you do gets me hot, Spike."  
  
"I seem to recall that, yeah," he answered smugly smiling in her direction. He kissed her again and then took her hand as he caught Angel undressing out of the corner of his eye. He decided to distract Buffy the best way he knew how.  
  
"Come over to the couch, luv. More comfortable there."  
  
He walked her toward the sofa and softly pushed her onto it. She sat watching as he knelt down grabbing her and pulling her to the edge of the seat, urging her to wrap her legs around him. He took his hardened cock in his hand and stroked it firmly a couple of times before sliding up next to Buffy. She closed her eyes as she felt him enter her, pushing in an inch at a time slowly.  
  
"You like that, luv?"  
  
"Mmmm. God yes. You're so hard, so good."  
  
"Always for you, Buffy."  
  
He took his time, relishing in the sound of the small gasps and sighs that left her body each time he pulled out, only to push in a little farther the next time. They were both lost in each other, not noticing when Angel moved to kneel down behind Spike. The other vampire felt a breath on his neck and opened his eyes, gazing into the yellow ones of Angel's demon.  
  
"It's been a long time, William," he whispered softly into his ear.  
  
Spike nodded and looked down at Buffy, now watching the two vampires with fascination. He began to speed his thrusts until Angel placed his hands on Spike's hips, slowing him down.  
  
"You want me to take you now? While you're buried deep inside her? I can fuck you while you pound into your mate?"  
  
Spike began to breath, a chill running down his spine as he heard the sure and dominating voice, not of Angel, but of Angelus.  
  
Angel leaned in again, softly so Buffy couldn't hear. "Just like old times. Fucking you so hard, so deep, while you drained an unknowing victim. Then we'd go home to the girls and do it all over again." Angel's hands glided over the blonde's cheeks, spreading slightly as Spike felt a stiff erection press against him. "I bet you've missed it as much as I have. Has anyone else been here since me?"  
  
Spike shook his head as an acknowledgement that his sire was the only one to ever breech him in that way.  
  
"Good boy."  
  
A hand grabbed his head and he felt the sharpness of Angel's teeth rubbing against his neck. He could almost imagine he'd stepped back in time. The actions and words of the other vampire were so much like the sire he'd known before the soul changed him forever. He realized he'd all but stopped his actions and tried to concentrate on Buffy, who was thrusting forward for more contact.  
  
His back arched and his muscles tightened as he felt Angel penetrate him. Dry. Had to be dry the first time. He thought back to another time and place. A time when the demon world was new and confusing. A time when Angelus had entered him much the same way to show his dominance and rights as sire. William had cried then. Newly turned and bred by high society standards beforehand, a proper gentleman was not fucked in the ass in any way, shape or form.  
  
He'd begged. Pleaded for it to be over. His cries had only caused Angelus to push harder, deeper, tearing and ripping at the virgin tissue until the smell of blood overpowered them both. Only as he felt the other man pull out, leaving a gush of mixed liquid, blood and come to ooze slowly from his channel, did Angelus bend down to kiss him softly. "You're mine, William. Always." Those powerful words that caused anger, fear, and a sense of belonging all at the same time. The words he still remembered one- hundred and twenty three years later.  
  
It was then that he'd sworn never to let Angelus see him cry. It was then that a bit of William slipped away and Spike began to be born. It would take years of pain and sometimes-learned pleasure at his sire's hands before he'd gained the courage to stand up to him. When he finally did, William was gone. Spike had emerged just in time for Angelus to disappear.  
  
He washed the memories away as he felt Angel slip past the tight outer ring, causing a gasp to escape his lips. He briefly met Buffy's eyes and saw the look of amazement and lust behind them. He sucked in his cheeks, closed his eyes and tried to relax as the familiar feeling came back to him. A century later and he could still remember the feel of his sire's cock inside him.  
  
Spike's demon emerged as he felt the pain of torn flesh. Unlike the first time, Angel was easing in slow, small thrusts, trying to keep the discomfort to a minimum. The blood was present, had to be for the claiming, but this time the older vampire wasn't reveling in the pain of his childe. Only the bond that would come from the joining. Things had changed. Spike was no longer a fledgling Angel had to scare into submission. They held equal ground and mutual respect for the experiences they'd both endured.  
  
Angel growled forcefully as he buried himself into his childe. As Spike's blood coated the dry passage, he began to slide in easier, able to push inside deeply. He pulled out, receiving a moan from the younger vampire, only to hear another when he slid back in.  
  
His motion increased in speed, pulling the other man's hips toward him to allow better access each time he thrust. Spike had begun moving inside Buffy again and Angel tried to imagine the sensations the other man was feeling. Fucking and being fucked. He was mesmerized by the whimpers coming from both Buffy and Spike as the pressure grew to allow release.  
  
"Did you miss this, Spike? Did you miss being fucked?"  
  
A strangled cry sounded from the blonde, lost deep in pleasure.  
  
"I can tell you did. That tight little ass opening up just for me. No one else will ever know how good you feel. "You're mine, William. Always."  
  
Fangs buried deep into his throat, sending Spike over the edge. He came hard, feeling Buffy begin to squeeze and flex around him as her own orgasm took hold. He felt the sucking reflex as Angel began to feed from him and felt his ass being filled by the other man's release. Only one thing was missing. One thing he needed. Grabbing his sire's wrist, he pulled it to his mouth and bit down deeply, swallowing the essence that flowed freely down his throat.  
  
*********************************  
  
Tired and sated, three bodies lounged comfortably on the blanket in the middle of the floor.  
  
"Mmmm... I was right," Buffy stated after a few moments of silence.  
  
"About?" Spike asked.  
  
"You and Angel. That was very hot."  
  
A smirk appeared on his lips. "Burn it to memory, slayer. Once a century's enough for me."  
  
Angel raised an eyebrow in question but remained silent.  
  
Buffy giggled and sat up. "As much as I would love to stay here forever, we should start heading back. We have a lot to do and not much time to do it in."  
  
"You have something in mind?" Angel asked.  
  
Buffy glanced at him remembering he wasn't there earlier when she'd made the announcement of the attack. "Not much of a plan really. I figure we'll just go in and kick ass."  
  
"Works for me," he answered casually  
  
"A little ass kicking is always good," Spike chimed in, standing to take Buffy's hand.  
  
"Let's get to it then." 


	37. Bonding edited

Chapter 36B  
  
Bonding  
  
She'd been gone for less than a minute when Spike felt a stirring in the pit of his stomach. A knawing feeling that something was wrong. He quickly pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it into the corner. His socks and boots followed as he eagerly undressed. His hand made its way to the buttons of his jeans and a sense of nausea passed through him. He eased his way onto the couch as his head began to swim. Closing his eyes, trying to steady the spinning room, he felt a presence.  
  
"Are you okay?" Angel asked.  
  
Spike looked up at the other man who was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, staring at him intently. "Came over a bit queasy's all."  
  
Angel nodded and turned his eyes toward the fire. A long moment of silence passed between them before he spoke again. "I'm sorry."  
  
Brown eyes met blue ones. "For what?"  
  
"For the kiss. It just felt....right. Seeing you like that, I couldn't help it." His gaze traveled back to the comfort of the fire. "I wanted her so badly."  
  
"I know."  
  
"That doesn't bother you?" he asked, turning his attention back to the blonde.  
  
"Bloody hell, Angel. You're cursed, not dead." A knowing looked passed between them. "Okay, technically... But you're still a man for Christ sake. I'd be calling you a ponce if I didn't think you'd get a hard on for her. Figured you'd left to go toss off somewhere."  
  
"It's hard, being here. Seeing the two of you," Angel said, ignoring Spike's comment and trying not to look too guilty.  
  
"No one said you had to stay, mate."  
  
"I wanted to. I needed to see it done. I love Buffy, I'll never deny that..... and I think I was looking for the closure I needed to let her go."  
  
"Did you find it?"  
  
"I know she's happy. That's good enough."  
  
"Well then why don't you toddle off and let us have a proper shag, would ya?" Spike asked, motioning him toward the door.  
  
Angel glared. "Could you be any more obnoxious?"  
  
"That's for the slayer's ears only, peaches. Now if you don't mind...." He stood, fighting the nauseous feeling still churning in his stomach, and returned his attention to removing the last of his clothes. He heard the door shut behind him as Angel finally left.  
  
Standing naked, waiting for Buffy to return, he made his way to his duster to fish a much-needed cigarette out of his pocket. As he flicked open the Zippo, the sickness began to subside and was replaced with the familiar tingling he associated with Buffy. He returned the unlit stick to his pocket and looked at her curiously.  
  
"That was weird."  
  
"What, pet?"  
  
"Well, I was in the bathroom trying my hardest not to heave everything in my stomach. I figured it was the drink, or the blood. Now I feel fine. As soon as I saw you....."  
  
"The feeling went away."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And now you can't think of anything other than throwing me down and fucking me raw?"  
  
She pondered him with lust filled eyes. "That about covers it."  
  
He grabbed her hand, pulling her over to the blanket. "I had the same feeling, luv. Came over sick soon as you left. Now......" His eyes traveled down the length of her body. "I've never wanted to be inside you so bad."  
  
"I need to feel you, Spike. I need you touching me, feeling me..... tasting me."  
  
He pulled her to him, plunging his lips to hers, winding his fingers through her long blonde hair. Without realizing it, they were on the floor, his body beneath hers, kneading and caressing every available body part between them.  
  
Buffy sat up on her knees to straddle his body as Spike grabbed her hips with both hands, guiding her over top of his erection. He released one hand from her to wrap it around his length. He pushed his slick head against her most sensitive spot, rubbing against the swollen nub, warranting a gasp and moan from both of them.  
  
"I can't wait, luv. I need you." He stopped the teasing and pushed into her, her wetness allowing him to slide all the way in.  
  
Buffy squeezed the muscles she knew he liked and began to raise slowly, milking him as she went. He pulled her back down and grabbed her hips again, stopping all movement.  
  
"Stop, luv. Don't move or I'm gonna come." He shifted positions so he could sit up with her in his lap. His lips grabbed hers and hungrily latched on.  
  
She stopped and stared into the human-like eyes gazing back at her wondering when he'd returned to his human visage. "I had no idea."  
  
He looked at her questioningly.  
  
"I had no idea I could feel any deeper than I already did. I want to stay like this forever."  
  
"It's like a craving I can't stop. I can't get enough of you," he agreed.  
  
His eyes flickered yellow and a low growl eased its way out. She placed her hands on the back of his neck and leaned her head back, exposing her throat. "I know what you want. I feel it."  
  
Buffy watched as his features shifted. She felt the heat in her body center around the area where he was still buried deep within her. The growl grew louder, turning to one of animal possessiveness. She closed her eyes when she felt the prick of his fangs barely entering her. She moaned loudly, flexing her muscles tightly around the throbbing hardness inside her body.  
  
The feeling made Spike's demon loose all sense of his surroundings. He pushed Buffy back roughly against the floor and pierced deep into the vein he knew would taste like ambrosia. Her blood began to pour over his tongue, and he heard her voice rising as she began thrusting against him. Her arms grabbed at him to pull his body as far inside as he could go.  
  
"Oh, god, Spike. So good.... you feel so good. Harder, please.... I need you to.... oh, yeah, just like that.....I'm gonna......"  
  
He pounded into her, feeling the tight clench and release of her muscles as she began to convulse around him. His body tensed and he pushed his hips as tight as he could against her to allow the deepest penetration as he came. He felt the sting as her nails sunk into his ass, pulling him closer as her back arched causing her head to fall further back. He regained the hold on her neck, still sucking, not wanting to let go of the incredible feeling.  
  
He felt her heartbeat slowing as the effect of her orgasm began to wear off and her breathing started to return to normal. He forced the demon back, pulling from her neck as fangs retreated into hiding and ridges disappeared into smooth skin. Spike closed his eyes and rolled off onto his back, resting his arms under his head, relishing in the moment. Buffy snuggled next to him, running lazy circles with her fingertips on his chest.  
  
"Why didn't we do that before?"  
  
"What, luv?"  
  
"The whole biting thing. God, I felt like I was gonna explode."  
  
"Well, pet, you would have been vacuuming up my remains if I'd tried that before."  
  
She sighed as her lip rolled into a pout. "Yeah, I guess. But didn't you ever think about it?"  
  
"Every bloody time, slayer."  
  
She leaned in further to look up at him. "But you never tried."  
  
"Like I said, I kind of like all my parts intact."  
  
She rolled over, mimicking his position, lying on her back. "Mmmm.... I'd forgotten how erotic it was."  
  
His eyebrow rose with genuine curiosity and a hint of jealousy. "Do tell, luv."  
  
"No, you definitely don't want to know. I shouldn't have said anything."  
  
"Too late," he insisted, rolling over on his side with his head raised on his elbow. "It's not like I'm completely daft." His finger brushed up to rub the old scar on her neck. "I know I'm not the first to taste you."  
  
"And I'm sure you know who was."  
  
"Assumed."  
  
"It wasn't what you're thinking. Angel was dying. My blood was the only thing that could save him."  
  
"How bloody hospitable of you, slayer."  
  
"It was the right thing to do. The only thing I could do."  
  
"Always the hero. That's my girl. Got off on it, didn't you? Let him sink his fangs in..." He nuzzled closer, nipping her neck with blunt teeth. "I bet he was hard..... yeah, bet he was so bloody hard he wanted to bury himself inside you while he sunk his teeth in."  
  
"It wasn't like that," she whispered breathlessly.  
  
"Yes it was."  
  
His hand slowly traveled down the length of her body, a fresh scent of arousal invading his nostrils. She tensed as he rubbed her painfully slow and then dipped a finger into her wetness. "I can imagine you squirmin' under him, wanting it all even if he couldn't give it to you. Did you come, slayer?" His finger stoked in and out, curving each time to rub the spot he'd grown to know she loved.  
  
"Mmmmm..."  
  
"You did, didn't you? There's nothing like the first time a vamp gets a hold of you. I bet you came harder than you ever had. Harder than the first time you let him inside you."  
  
Her eyes closed tightly as the sensation began to build. The deep almost hypnotic sound of his voice was bringing her to the edge as his finger moved just right.  
  
"Because there's nothing like the feeling of a vampire with its fangs buried deep inside your jugular. Always something sexual about it. Even during a kill, the smell of release made the draining that much better. They couldn't help it. And it always made me hard. You think it was any different for him?"  
  
She began to pant, soft whimpers escaping her lips.  
  
"Difference is, luv, he was the first one to taste you, but I'll always be the last."  
  
Her body began to shudder as he let his fangs rip into the skin he'd been rubbing earlier. His finger sped as her orgasm ripped through her, knowing he was claiming what was his by leaving his mark over the one Angel had put there years ago. He didn't suck, the purpose only to mark her, claim her, make her his. When her body stilled, he pulled out and kissed her lips.  
  
"Dracula bit me, too."  
  
He rolled his eyes, an expression of exasperation evident in his gaze.  
  
"Bloody hell, slayer."  
  
"Sorry," she joked as an afterthought. "But that one doesn't count. He had magic or something. I couldn't help it."  
  
"Thrall."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Thrall. Dracula uses gypsy parlor tricks. Anyone can do it. Not so special."  
  
She eyed him suspiciously. "You sound jealous."  
  
"Never did like the poncy bugger."  
  
"You 'are' jealous!" she said, grinning ear to ear.  
  
"What of it? Anyway, he welches on his bets. Never trust a bloke who cheats."  
  
She looked accusingly at him. "Coming from a right, upstanding citizen such as yourself."  
  
"Damn right, slayer. It's not cheating unless you get caught."  
  
She smiled. It had been easy to forget that he was a demon with a demon's sense of morals. "As much as I would love to stay here forever, we should start heading back. We have a lot to do and not much time to do it in."  
  
"You gonna let me in on this little plan of yours?" he asked as he stood and held out a hand to her.  
  
"Not much of a plan really. I figure we'll just go in and kick ass."  
  
"Works for me, pet. Works for me." 


	38. Telling

Chapter 38  
  
Telling  
  
Buffy and Spike left the comfort of the mansion hand in hand. Both were glad Angel had decided to go on ahead, giving them some time alone. Almost immediately Buffy's eyes widened when she met the cool night air and her senses went into overload. She stopped, taking in her surroundings. The sight, sound and smell of everything around her.  
  
"What is it, luv?" Spike asked, slightly worried when she let his hand go.  
  
"Everything's so clear. So vivid. Everything I see, everything I hear.. it's like they say when you loose a sense and all the rest of them get stronger? Only I didn't lose anything." She took a long, deep inhalation of air. "I can smell the rain coming."  
  
Spike moved to stand in front of her, a smile spread wide on his lips. "Like you're experiencing everything for the first time?"  
  
"Exactly," she answered, still in awe.  
  
"Close your eyes and listen."  
  
She did as told as he placed his hand over her chest.  
  
"Can you hear it?" he asked softly.  
  
"What am I listening for?"  
  
"The sound of your heartbeat."  
  
Buffy concentrated on blocking out all other sounds and listened closely. "I hear it," she whispered, as her eyes opened in surprise.  
  
"Vamp senses, luv. You're feeling what every vampire experiences when they're turned."  
  
"But I'm not a vampire."  
  
"No, you're not. But you just mated with one," he reminded her with a bit of pride in his voice. "Seems you gained a bit of demon after all."  
  
"I figured I'd get something from it. More strength, speed... but this isn't what I expected. I'm not gonna start craving a liquid diet, am I?" she halfheartedly joked.  
  
He smiled back. "You get used to it. Things aren't as amplified after awhile. You learn to tone it out a bit. And no, I think pizza and doublemeat burgers are probably more your taste, luv."  
  
"The thought of being part demon... somehow that doesn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. It used to scare me. When I came back...and thought..."  
  
"I know what you thought, Buffy. I was the one who put the idea in your head, remember? Tried to convince you that you came back wrong. Less than human." His eyes traveled everywhere except where they could rest on hers. "I'm sorry," he whispered softly.  
  
"No, Spike. Don't say you're sorry. This is a new start, right? No more apologizing for things that happened back then. We both said and did things that were wrong and I think we've both faced the consequences."  
  
"I just never meant to make you feel like you were less than what you are."  
  
"Spike," she leaned in to pull him against her. "You were the only one who made me feel 'anything'. You didn't make me feel like less...I was the one doing it to myself. Now, with this, you've given me a gift. Whether it's demon or not, it's you. The demon is a part of you and I can accept that now."  
  
"I hope so, luv. Cuz you're stuck with me. No turning back." His lips made their way down the side of her neck, stopping at the place where he'd bitten her. He lapped at the spot with his tongue, circling and nipping at her skin with blunt teeth.  
  
Buffy shivered at his touch and felt an instant wave of heat invade her body. A breath escaped her as she bent her head back to allow him better access. "Why do I feel like this when you touch me there?" She pulled him further in, urging for more contact. His lips, his body, anything to lesson the almost painful need for him.  
  
"A vampire bite is a powerful thing, Buffy. It's what connects us, the blood and the acceptance. The trust involved. It's almost more intimate than sex."  
  
"I can feel you. Like you're still inside me."  
  
"I am. We're a part of each other."  
  
"Does it work the same way with you and Angel?" she asked, reaching out to rub his scar that was now barely seen.  
  
"The ritual you and I did makes it different. I can still feel him but not the same way. A sire bond isn't quite the same thing."  
  
  
  
"So why'd you let him...I don't get you and Angel and the whole sex thing..." she trailed off, almost blushing at her question.  
  
"It's all about dominance, pet. When you're turned, you're taught to learn your place. And Angelus being who he was at the time used that to his advantage as often as he could. After awhile, it becomes expected...almost a show of affection as much as it can be. It's not about sex the way you're thinking."  
  
"I just can't get over you letting him..."  
  
"Not really a choice, luv. Just the way things are."  
  
"Did you ever..I mean...did he ever let you...?"  
  
His eyebrow rose. "Did I shag him? Doesn't work that way. At least not with Angelus. He'd never give up that much control. He played his role as sire to the hilt."  
  
"I guess I just don't understand the whole bond between sire and childe."  
  
"You probably won't cuz you're not a vamp. It's something you have to experience to know. I denied it for a long time, but Angel made me...turned me into what I am. It's as simple as that."  
  
"I can't believe I never knew that. That Angel was your sire."  
  
He shrugged, lighting a cigarette he'd fished from his pocket. "We weren't best friends. You threatened to kill me, I told you what I wanted you to hear."  
  
"You lied."  
  
"And your point is? Wasn't like you cared, slayer. You were too busy snoggin' soldier boy to pay attention to anything I said. I was bending over backwards tryin' to get you to notice me."  
  
Buffy sighed deeply, pushing her hands in her pockets. "I always noticed you, Spike. That was my problem. I knew it was wrong to be attracted to you and I hated myself for wanting you...even back then."  
  
He flicked the finished cigarette away and glanced at her curiously. "You did?"  
  
"Don't act so surprised. It's always been there between us. Even when we were trying to kill each other."  
  
"Considered that foreplay, luv," he answered, his tongue curling against his teeth.  
  
She batted her eyelashes coyly and smiled. "I think it started for me after Will's spell."  
  
"Which spell?"  
  
"You know which one," she answered. "When we were engaged. If anyone actually knew what was going on when they weren't looking..." She giggled at the memories of the first time she'd ever felt Spike's arousal. The seductive way she'd squirmed and pushed against him on his lap as they discussed their wedding plans just to get a rise from the lovesick vampire.  
  
"Your watcher would have had my head on a stick if he'd known what you actually let me get away with."  
  
"It wasn't that much!" she complained as she remembered quick caresses on bare skin and naughty comments behind turned backs. "And besides, we were engaged. That's what almost married people do!"   
  
"I would have shagged you silly if we'd had half a minute alone together."  
  
She smiled, stealing a soft kiss. "I would have let you."  
  
"Too bad it was just a spell. Then you went back to hating me."  
  
"As much as you hated me. Face it, we weren't meant to be friends back then."  
  
"Have we ever been?" He raised a curious eyebrow at her.  
  
"Been what?"  
  
"Friends."  
  
She gave a troubled look in his direction. "I don't know. Maybe...when I came back. Before all the crazy sex stuff got in the way. You were the person I wanted to be around...tell things to."  
  
"I just figured since I knew how it was...being dead and all..."  
  
"I enjoyed talking to you. That's what friends do, right? Enjoy each other's company?"  
  
"Suppose so. It'd been so long since I'd had one. Niblet was about the closest thing to it, I guess."  
  
"I never said thank you. For taking care of her. It meant a lot."  
  
He shrugged. "No sweat, slayer. Told you I would. Made a promise, right?"  
  
"And vamps always keep their promises," she joked sarcastically.  
  
"Always to you," he answered seriously.  
  
She shivered, knowing he 'would' always be there for her. "Well, we'd better get back to the house. I'm sure everyone's waiting."  
  
"And so the fun begins..."  
  
They walked silently back to Revello Drive. Approaching the house, they found most of the lights on and caught glimpses of movement from beyond the opened blinds. Buffy walked through the door first with Spike following close behind. All actions stopped when everyone turned their attention to the pair standing in the doorway holding hands.  
  
"Are you guys ready for a fight?" Buffy asked, putting on a show of bravery for the others as well as for herself.  
  
"Where have you been, Buffy?" Giles asked, glancing between the woman and the vampire on her arm.  
  
"We had some things to do," she answered defensively.  
  
"Some things to do," he repeated. "Right before an attack that you yourself are planning."  
  
"Yes," she countered, ignoring his sarcasm. "Okay, everyone has a job to do."  
  
"Except us," Xander spoke accusingly gesturing between himself and Anya.  
  
"I told you, I want you here, safe. Just in case." She hesitated. "You can hand out weapons," she added, pointing toward the large, wooden box in the corner.  
  
Xander rolled his eyes, knowing that would always be his job. Weapons boy, doughnut, boy, glorified bricklayer. He knew Buffy wanted to keep him out of harm's way, but still felt he had more to offer.  
  
"Willow," Buffy said, turning toward her best friend. "Come upstairs and I'll explain your part."  
  
The red head nodded and moved to follow. Buffy turned toward Spike and kissed him, oblivious to the curious looks they were receiving, then retreated upstairs.  
  
Spike made his way to where Xander was lifting the lid on the weapons chest.  
  
"I told you to leave her alone," the boy spoke hatefuly.  
  
"And I told you to piss off," came the reply.  
  
"Whatever." Xander shook his head and began rifling through the trunk, mumbling to himself. 'Nasty vampires...what to get to fight nasty vampires...' He eyed an object and glanced at Spike. "Here, hold this."  
  
Spike reached without question. "Bloody hell!" he shouted, dropping the cross from his grasp. "Wanker," he added for good measure before noticing the awed expression on Xander's face. Spike's forehead rumpled as he brought his hand up to inspect it.   
  
"What the hell?" Angel asked, moving in closer.  
  
Spike reached for the cross again, wearily picking it up. Everyone had now joined them, watching the new discovery play out. Spike flipped the object over, flipping it from one hand to the other, unharmed. His eyes found Angel's, silently questioning the other vampire's.  
  
"What's going on?" Xander asked, again scrounging around inside the trunk. "What about this?"  
  
Before Spike could protest, the other man already had the cap off and was flicking the bottle of water toward the vampire. The blonde flinched, but stilled when he realized nothing had happened.  
  
"Spike?" Giles asked with eyeglasses and handkerchief already in hand.  
  
Xander pulled out a stake and turned back toward the confused vamp. Spike immediately reacted and stood in full game face. "Try it and lose some parts, Harris," he growled.  
  
The piece of wood found its way back into the trunk and Xander's hands found his pockets.  
  
After a moment of silence, Giles finally spoke. "Holy water? Crosses? Spie, what did you do?!"  
  
"It's the ritual," came the answer from across the room. Buffy walked over to her mate, pushing her way through Angel, Giles, Kennedy and Anya. "It has to be."  
  
"Ritual?" the watcher asked, his voice filled with worry.  
  
Buffy took Spike's hands, turning them over in her own to see for herself. A smile curled on her lips.  
  
"I guess you're a little less demon now."  
  
A look of knowing passed between them. Forgetting everyone else, Spike pulled her to him to nuzzle her neck, running his tongue along the two puncture marks. They both immediately felt the connection, igniting the sparks between them.  
  
"My lord, Buffy! What were you thinking?!"  
  
The sound of Giles' voice pulled them away from their focus on each other and they reluctantly pulled apart.  
  
"What thinking? Who? Huh?" Xander asked in confusion.  
  
Through a look of fatherly concern, Giles answered. "Buffy let Spike claim her."  
  
"Huh?" the boy repeated.  
  
The older man shook his head and backed up until he reached the sofa, clumsily sitting. Buffy sighed nervously. "Giles."  
  
"Have I not taught you anything?!" he snapped.  
  
Her nervousness turned toward anger. "You taught me plenty! You taught me how to fight! You taught me how to follow my instincts! I'm doing exactly what you taught me!"  
  
"I did not teach you to be foolish!"  
  
"Hey! Watch it, Rupert!" Spike scolded.  
  
"And you...stay out of this!"  
  
"Spike is a part of this!" Buffy interrupted.  
  
"What were you thinking?! Do you have any idea what you've done? This isn't the movies, Buffy. This is real life. This is forever!"   
  
"And what happened to 'I'll stand behind you if it makes you happy'? Huh? Do you remember telling me that yesterday?"  
  
"Yes, well..."  
  
"No. You're right. This is forever and I know that. Spike and I did the ritual. We knew exactly what we were doing. I'd think you'd be curious. Don't you want to write it down somewhere in your watcher journal or something? I don't think a slayer has ever mated with a vampire before."  
  
"Mated?! Did you say mated?!" Xander asked, his face full of panic.  
  
Giles sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before replacing his hand with his glasses. He finally looked toward the boy who was waiting to be answered.  
  
"Yes, Xander. Buffy and Spike took part in a mating ritual. Quite dangerous and it quite possibly could have been life threatening."  
  
"But it wasn't," Buffy interrupted. "We were careful and everything is fine. All it can do is help us. Then maybe when this is over, you just might want to research the effects from the bonding."  
  
"Effects?"  
  
"Well, you've seen Spike all immune to crosses and holy water and we don't even know what else."  
  
"And what about you, Buffy? What have you noticed?" Giles asked, tired of fighting and deciding to go into full watcher mode.  
  
"I feel alive. Sharper instincts... vampire senses I think is what we figured out. That, combined with slayer strength can only be good, right?"  
  
"Possibly."  
  
"Giles. It's what I wanted. What I needed."  
  
"Guess there's not anything else that needs to be said. We'll just have to see how things turn out, won't we?"  
  
"I guess so. But right now, we have a war to win. Everyone ready?" Buffy asked, turning toward the others, preparing them to do battle.  
  
"As ready as we'll ever be," Angel answered, placing several weapons throughout his coat. "Let's go." 


	39. Winning

Chapter 38  
  
Winning  
  
Buffy caught up to the others who were waiting for her patiently outside.  
  
"Everything okay, luv?"  
  
She took Spike's hand with a gentle squeeze. "Everything's good. So, does anyone have any questions before we do this?" Buffy asked, looking around at the faces of her friends. Her friends, who were once again risking their lives to help her save the world.  
  
"It sounds pretty simple, Buffy. In fact, a little too easy," Willow answered.  
  
"Well it won't be. It might sound like a walk in the park, but there's not gonna be anything even remotely simple about it. It's gonna be our strength against theirs. And Will, you're gonna need to work the spell as fast as you can. I'm thinking the sooner The First is gone, the better off we'll be."  
  
"I'll get it done. You just hold those vamps back, okay?"  
  
"That's the plan."  
  
Giles spoke up. "We'd better hurry. We still need to find the right cave and it's going to be light soon."  
  
They quickened their pace, racing toward the north side of town. Spike and Angel felt the beginnings of dawn approaching and charged uncomfortable ahead, ready to seek the shelter of the caves. Buffy tried to reassure her mate, feeling the anxiety building up inside the vampire. "Not too much further. Should be just around that bend."  
  
"Hope so. Getting' kinda itchy out here."  
  
"Plenty of time. Don't get all freaky on me, okay?"  
  
"Sorry, slayer. Something just feels.off."  
  
Angel stopped in front of them, causing everyone to halt. "He's right, Buffy. I feel it too. Something's not right."  
  
" C'mon guys. It's just getting to you. Don't let it win." She glanced among them. "We can do this." She charged ahead, missing the weary look she received from the others. She finally slowed the pace when she saw them. Several caves, hidden by the underbrush of the forest. "There they are."  
  
"But which one?" Angel asked.  
  
"That one there," Buffy answered quickly.  
  
"Can you sense the evil?" Willow asked.  
  
"Nope. I think the guy with the no eyes kinda look heading toward us gave it away!" She ran forward, sword in hand, meeting the robed figure head on. "Giles! You're gonna have to fight these guys! The rest of us need to get into that cave!" she yelled, running the bringer through with the blade as two more approached.  
  
"I've got it! You go on!" Giles answered, stepping up to take over.  
  
Buffy gave a final nod toward her watcher and motioned for the others to follow. They approached the mouth of the cave wearily, cautious of their surroundings. Seeing no one blocking, they entered slowly.  
  
"Spike and Angel stay with me. Will, you and Kennedy set up there," she ordered, pointing toward a clearing near the cave's wall.  
  
"We'll probably have company soon," Angel offered.  
  
Buffy glanced around. "I'm counting on it."  
  
Willow and Kennedy made their way in the other direction and sat the bag of needed items down on the dirt floor. Immediately, the redhead began making preparations for the spell she intended to work.  
  
"This is getting eerie, Buffy. Where is.?" Spike ended the question prematurely as a shadow began to approach along the wall. "Never mind."  
  
Several others appeared, along with the sound of snarls and low growls, as they joined the one shadow to become many. The two vampires and the slayer got into position and readied themselves for the final fight against the ubervamps. Within moments, the battle was on, the three warriors matched against two- dozen opponents.  
  
Along the other side of the cave, Willow and Kennedy were enclosed in a circle of blue sand, holding hands as the witch chanted the ritualistic words. Sparks began to fly as the energy began pouring off the small woman.  
  
"You'll never beat me," came the sound of a voice in front of the two joined figures. "I have more power than you can possibly fathom little girl." A deep-seated laugh and the shape shifted, revealing itself in the form of Buffy.  
  
Willow continued chanting, pushing down the fear she was feeling deep inside.  
  
"Better be careful, Willow. Your history with the magic is shaky at best. Dark and veiny doesn't suit you. Didn't really work out too well last time either."  
  
The redhead closed her eyes and tried to ignore the taunting from the imposter in front of her.  
  
"The First! Over there! With Willow!" Buffy screamed, swinging a decapitating blow to the head of her opponent.  
  
Spike looked up, eyeing the form on the other side of the room. "What do we do now?!" he yelled, occupied with his own part of the battle.  
  
"We have to wait for the spell to work!" Buffy swung again, taking out another vampire and turning to face two more. "Can you feel it, Spike? Like a walk in the park."  
  
"If you mean the power, luv, I'm right there with you. Seems you were right about the strength bit." An unknowing vamp stepped in toward Spike, meeting a dusty end when the blonde gripped with both hands and pulled its head from its body. "A fellow can get used to this," he added, a large predatory smile curling on his lips. He glanced at Angel who was holding his own against a couple more vampires.  
  
"How ya doin' over there?!"  
  
"Great," Angel answered as he strained to pierce the creature with a larger than normal stake. "Never better! Thanks for asking!" The vampire disappeared in a cloud of dust, leaving Angel panting for unneeded breath.  
  
Just as he turned toward Buffy and Spike, a large wall of flowing light emerged in front of them.  
  
"Shit!" Buffy screamed. "The portal!" She began running full force, trying to reach the two girls still face to face in the circle.  
  
Angel and Spike gave a confusing look amongst themselves. "I thought the portal was a good thing," the dark haired vampire spoke.  
  
Spike shrugged and took off after Buffy with Angel following on his heels.  
  
They screeched to a halt when they saw the sight in front of them. The bright ball of light was shining brightly from the floor of the cave to the ceiling, floods of energy and power snapping and popping throughout.  
  
Buffy was leaning over her friend, holding onto her free hand, giving another burst of borrowed power needed to keep the portal intact.  
  
"Quite a light show you have going on there," The First taunted, standing within safe distance of the energy wall. She smiled evilly, crossing her arms in a victorious stance in front of her.  
  
"Bloody hell!" Spike cursed, stepping forward. "The portal! Willow was supposed to open the portal where that evil bitch was standing!"  
  
"Don't suppose she'd walk through by herself to a hell dimension if we say please?" Angel asked, assessing the situation at its worst.  
  
"Fuck, Angel. Now what?!"  
  
The power flowing from the witch was fading as she slowly began to loose the grip on the portal. "I can't hold it, Buffy! It's gonna close!"  
  
The First in Buffy form began a hearty gut-wrenching laugh.  
  
Angel turned toward Spike. "She's your mate now. Take care of her. Give her everything she deserves."  
  
A frown appeared on the brow of the blonde vampire. "Angel, what are you.?"  
  
His sire cut him off. "What I have to. I feel it. This is what I was meant to do."  
  
"Angel."  
  
"Take care of yourself, too. Okay?"  
  
Without waiting for the other man to answer, Angel swirled around and began running in the direction of the fading portal. He grabbed the arm of the woman standing in front and pulled her with him into the harsh light.  
  
"Angel!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Buffy screamed, seeing him jump through to a place she knew would bring unimaginable pain and torture. She let go of Willow's hand, trying to run after him. Strong, leather-covered arms caught her, pulling her back, cradling her to his chest as she began to sob wildly.  
  
The wall of light exploded furiously in front of them, beginning a rumbling of the cave from the ceiling to the floor, until after a great show, disappeared into nothingness.  
  
"C'mon, luv! We need to get out of here! An explosion such as that's bound to cause havoc in a cave like this!"  
  
She pulled away, a steady stream of tears making their way down her cheeks. "But Angel!" she sobbed, trying to return to where the portal had been.  
  
"He's gone, Buffy," he stated, grabbing her arm again, as Willow and Kennedy came up beside them. "Nothing you can do!"  
  
"He saved us," the redhead spoke weakly, holding onto her girlfriend for support. "Just like a champion."  
  
Buffy wrapped her arms around Spike, leaning into him as the four figures quickly made their way toward the front of the cave. Giles greeted them at the opening, looking worn and bloody from his own battle.  
  
"My god, Buffy. What happened?!" he asked, seeing the look of turmoil on the girl's face. He glanced around, silently counting heads. A frown appeared on his lips. "Where's Angel?"  
  
Willow gave him a look of warning, no words needing to be spoken.  
  
"I see," he answered, nervously placing his hands in his pockets. "So it's over then?"  
  
"Bloody right, watcher. The First is in hell where it belongs."  
  
Buffy pulled away from Spike, her eyes widening, the tears slowly melting into drops rather than waterfalls.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, confused by the utter look of amazement on her face.  
  
She didn't answer, but reached up, tracing the outline of his cheekbone.  
  
"Buffy, what's wrong?!" he repeated, a slight nervousness in his voice.  
  
She glanced up, squinting, forcing a smile in his direction. "The sun's up."  
  
"The sun." Spike stopped in mid-sentence as he realized what she had said. The first of the morning light was slowly making its way over the horizon, shining down upon the four people standing in front of the cave. More importantly, shining on the vampire now bathed in sunlight.  
  
Spike closed his eyes, turning his face toward the sun, soaking up its warmth.  
  
"Quite a story this will make," Giles announced, turning to make his way back toward the town. "You'll have to tell me the details of this mating ritual some day."  
  
Willow smiled and grabbed Kennedy's hand, soon falling in step behind him. "I need a hot bath and a week's worth of sleep." She glanced back over her shoulder. You two coming?"  
  
"In a minute," Buffy answered, turning toward her vampire.  
  
"You're finally in the light. With me." She smiled, enjoying the look of joy radiating from the man in front of her.  
  
He leaned in and latched onto her lips, pulling her close. "Never thought it would happen, luv. Been in the dark for so bloody long."  
  
"Never say never, Spike. This is Sunnydale. Stranger things." She hushed as she watched his face transform into his demon's.  
  
He sniffed the air around him. "Angel."  
  
"Huh?" she asked, staring as Spike's head rose to glance around.  
  
"Angel. I feel him." The vampire let go, turning back toward the cave.  
  
"Spike, he's. gone," she reminded him, barely able to say the words herself.  
  
"No. He's here. You asked about the bond, well here it is! C'mon!"  
  
She followed as he quickened his pace, dodging his way back into the darkened cave. His nostrils flared, catching the familiar scent. In the corner, along the wall, pushed up against the rocks, lay the unconscious body of his sire.  
  
"Oh my god!" Buffy screamed, ready to run to him.  
  
"Wait!" Spike caught her wrist, holding her back.  
  
"Spike! It's Angel! We have to."  
  
"Listen!"  
  
She quieted; frustrated that he wasn't rushing to the other man. "What am I.oh," she interrupted herself. "But why? How?" she asked with widened eyes, picking up the faint sound of the heart beat Spike had heard.  
  
"He's alive, Buffy. Human."  
  
The End 


End file.
